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Wedding Season 2003

Salutations, my dears, it's been about a billion, hasn't it?

How have you been? Me, still at the HoJo in my corner booth, natch. I'm sure you've heard that the city planned to close this dear ole dive and make room for a Victoria's Secret or Pottery Barn -- why does the world need so much crockery, I ask you! -- or something equally "new 42nd Street"-ish? I don't know why anybody would want to close this place; I mean, so what if the cockroach in your turkey pot pie is giving birth? As I have always been a political animal, I led the fry cooks and waitresses here in protest: we chained ourselves to the booths and demanded that this international historical landmark be preserved. Thanks to our efforts, the city changed its mind and never went through with its threatened jackbooted raid. And good thing, too, as our chains were fashioned from this establishment's generous supply of 1950s napkin rings.

This time of year normally reminds me of elaborate, beautiful weddings, the union of two people who love each other dearly. I say "normally," because thanks to the incessant East Coast rain storm -- if Gene Kelly were still with us, he'd be hoarse by now -- which ended only to be replaced by a tandoori oven of a heat wave, I haven't been much in the shackin'-up mood. Luckily for me, I can now move to Canada and marry the Celine-Dion-loving, beer-drinkin' lad of my dreams.

Fortunately celebrity has not let us down. (When has it?!) The past few months have been completely clogged with betrothals and engagements. Why, you'd think SunYung Moon was in town! Here's a little round-up of some of the most recent, most memorable and most disturbing:

All Dogs Go To Tailors

Adam Sandler, in every regard a class act (as in class-clown), married his model girlfriend Jackie Titone in a ceremony one could describe as looney-tunes romantic (or perhaps, simply, punch-drunk). Amid the smirks and one-liners issuing liberally from Adam's lips -- and surely disrupting the ceremony -- his wedding party included a small, gruff looking fellow in a teeny-tiny tuxedo. No, not Verne Troyner! It was Adam's bulldog Meatball, altogether fetching in a suit by Paw-da, shoes by Alpo, and a white yarmulke (either custom designed, or somebody's kneepad). Seriously, the canine was dressed by the Sony Pictures costume department and was even picked up by limo for his private fitting session. Can't you just feel for the poor intern who had to "talk" the dog through various fittings? "Oh yes, Mr. Meatball, those trousers make your legs look positively feline!" As for the betrothed superstar, Mr. Sandler announced his wedding in that ultra romantic way that all women love: as a newsbyte on his website, followed cheekily by "Whoopity Doo!" Good gracious, what did he do for his bride on their wedding night, slip her a whoopie cushion?

Christy Burned

Another man with a love of dogs, Ed Burns, finally got hitched a couple weeks ago to his un-pooch-like diva Christy Turlington in the lovely Saints Peter and Paul Church in San Francisco. The absurdly gorgeous couple have been dating for three years. One person who is not exactly thrilled with the match-up is Ed's old flame Heather Graham (she of the pouty lips and vacant stare), who has secretly lamented to friends that she always thought Ed might return to her. I wonder what Heather's current boyfriend Chris Weisz (director of "American Pie") has to say about that?

Ford Flock'd

If you are one of nine people who have seen the box-office stink bomb "Hollywood Homicide," you know that Harrison Ford has been making bad choices. Whether you consider current flame Calista Flockhart one of them is up to you. I tend to think he's making such decisions because he's smitten. (I mean "K-19: The Widowmaker"? The only widowmaker I know comes in a nice cold glass!) Harrison, notoriously aloof when it comes to showing public affection, has recently forgone all signs of skittishness, and at the "Hollywood Homicide" premiere two weeks ago in L.A., he seemed to have regressed in age at least three or four years! Holding hands, laughing at Calista's jokes. Heck, it even looks like he's been taking her out to gorgeous dinners, as she looks positively non-skeletal. Anyway, they haven't announced an engagement yet, but they are obviously the next Hollywood hot couple on the list to do so.

Project Wed-light

There are still myriad engagements and weddings on the horizon. Of course J-Lo and Ben Affleck, but I needn't mention them. (In fact, my doctor told me not to; J-Lo's face actually gives me acid reflux.) Most interesting is the fact that Matt Damon is also engaged .... to Ben's old personal assistant! Their engagement was actually back in January, but I'll bet we don't see these two get hitched until no fewer than one or two days after Ben and J. Anybody watching last week's premiere of the new "Project Greenlight" can see that Matty and Benny are still publicly best friends. But I sense their relationship is experiencing some strains. Did you notice that when Matt announced "This is our coming out party!" -- yet another Ben-and-I-are-boyfriends reference -- Ben actually grimaced? As for Ms. Lopez herself -- my stomach's feeling funny now, but I shall endure -- she is reportedly quickly discarding the remnants of her sassy diva image in an effort to appease Ben. This spring-cleaning has included firing her manager, cutting ties with her hip-hop past (on the wane all by itself), and making her ass shrink to a normal proportion. Okay, so maybe the last part isn't possible, but I think we're all a little tired of seeing Jenny from the Back.

Paltrow's All Yellow

Ben's ex Gwyneth Paltrow has been quiet as of late, spending all her downtime following her boyfriend, Coldplay lead singer Chris Martin, around the globe. Gwyneth the groupie! Blythe must be so proud! Actually Gwyneth and Chris announced their engagement earlier in the year too. They became close around the time that Gwynnie's daddy Bruce Dern passed away. As Coldplay's music is very soothing whenever I'm lonely or depressed, imagine how much more effective it must be coming from the pillow next to yours! Hopefully, Gwyn will return from the tour refreshed and ready to wow us with her fashions, her omnipresent mug of twig tea, and maybe even a good movie.

Prior Engagements

There are scads of other famous fools basking in the glow of their upcoming nuptials. Jazz singer Diana Krall and gruff pop singer Elvis Costello plan to tie the knot soon, presumably in a basement bar all done up with cigarettes and meloncholy. And Milla Jovovich will get married later this year to her "Resident Evil" director Paul W. S. Anderson. Hmm, Milla seems to get awfully involved with her film directors doesn't she? Remember Luc Besson? All I can say is that I cannot wait for Milla to begin making a film with Penny Marshall!

Hello Harry!

I could bore you now with the breakups -- Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson are over (shock!!!) -- but instead I'll leave you with this: the recent heck-why-note wedding of 83-year-old land developer Harry Kullijian and goodness-knows-how- old dame of Broadway Carol Channing. The two had been high school sweethearts many, many, MANY years back but his mother forced the duo to break up because she thought Carol too forward. My God, was that the understatement of the 19th Century! So, happy 5th wedding to Carol Channing Kullijian. I'm not being jaded when I say, Carol, I hope it's your last!

On that note, its time for me to fade into the sunset, or at least into the sunset-colored upholstery of the HoJo corner booth. Have a wonderful summer and don't get hitched without letting me know first. Chances are I won't really care, but you never know. ....

Until the American Kennel Club has an appropriate bridal registry,


MORE: BG on Wedding Season 2003!

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