I don't mean to be getting all Seventeen Magazine on you, but 1) wasn't, like, that black-and-white "Felicity" episode, like totally cool, 2) wouldn't you, like, crawl over the corpse of Julia Stiles to get to Freddie Prinze Jr. in his awfully bad new movie, "Down To You"? and 3) is, like, Jonathan Taylor Thomas totally gay or what? (Actually Jay Leno asked him if he were last week on "The Tonight Show," and Jon politely said no. JTT, we'd love you if you were blue, green, or lesbian.) Since I'm stuck in teen mode here, how about we discuss some teen love crises, hmmm?

A Broken Gay-Heart

Breakup Girl, to the rescue? Rebecca Gayheart, that thin, doe-eyed girl from "Wasteland" and all those skin-products commercials, broke up a few months ago with her boyfriend of 12 years, Brett Ratner, director of "Rush Hour," and apparently is still devastated, according to friends. Becky and Brett first started dating when Gayheart was -- get this! -- 15 years old and fresh off the bus from Kentucky. This is Becky's only serious relationship, naturally, and friends fear that she'll do something drastic out of heartbreak. You see, she quite obviously threw him out of the house a few months ago when she discovered him cheating on her. He has tried to reconcile -- sending her flowers and jewelry, according to reports -- but she is justifiably standing her ground. She claims to the Post that she remains friends with Brett. Honey, you're 27-years-old, hot, and available. There are other men on the planet, perhaps (at least I've heard) even more faithful ones!

Spice Fight

There's nothing like a good old-fashioned celebrity cat fight, especially when it involves a Spice Girl. Not that Vicky Adams, AKA (or is it formerly known as?) Posh Spice, even resembles a trashy pop star anymore, what with her seamless career makeover as unofficial British royalty and mother. But she's not a complete bore yet! During an interview for British television, Vicky relayed a story in which Naomi Campbell once asked her in a most condescending tone, "Why do they call you Posh?" To the interviewer, Poshy then overreacted calling Naomi a "bitch" and a "complete cow." (Think somebody needs an anger management course?) Surprisingly, Naomi's remaining mum, but her mum isn't! Valerie Campbell, the model's mommy and a Milan designer, has lashed out at the Spice star, saying she is "stupid and thick" and "can't sing and can't dance." The Campbell matron concluded by saying, "The girl is talentless." Harsh words from the mother of a fashion model if you ask me! On which scales of quality would you compare the relative talents of Naomi versus Posh? Isn't this argument like asking the question, "Which is healthier for you, Snickers or Milky Way?"

Anna's Got It Maid

I've always had a soft spot for wacky large-sized model Anna Nicole Smith -- as would any inquisitive snoop with a love for outrageous scandal -- but the latest word on the curvaceous kook stumps even moi. According to the Los Angeles New Times, a female nursing home attendant is claiming that she had been lovers with the screwball queen for three years before Anna's marriage to the now-late billionaire J. Howard Marshall. In a scenario straight out of Penthouse Forum, the spurned lesbian in question, Sandi Powledge, was picked up by Smith, at the time a successful topless dancer in Houston, at a lesbian bar, and later the duo went on a date. According to Powledge's confessional, Smith would entertain moneybags Marshall during the day and Powledge at night, in open displays of affections in the gay bar where they first met.

When Smith's career ballooned, she allegedly made Powledge her personal assistant and moved her into a guest house while Anna, in turn, moved in with her elderly rich lover. Supposedly, when Anna finally married the old geezer, she wanted her female companion to move in as a maid, but, naturally, Sandi refused. (I can see her plea now: "Dear Breakup Girl, I'm hopelessly in love, but I'm relegated to doing my girlfriend's husband's laundry all day. What should I do?") The liaison dissolved when Anna married the king -- who then died one year later -- and Sandi pleads to the local paper for Anna to return to her. Is this the shocking truth or just the rousing of a celebrity stalker? Smith's people are laughing off these admittedly off-the-wall stories. But isn't this the kind of trash you want to find on all your favorite celebrities? True or not, it brings Anna back to the lowest, juiciest rung of my column, where she has always rightly belonged. Love you, precious; you gorgeous, black-widowing, allegededly lesbian star!

Celebrity Quote Of The Week

"I'm not sure that people don't need a break from Garth."

-- Garth Brooks, using a double negative while referring to himself in the third person, contemplating retirement.

Sightings

I had a delectable Cajun dinner at Jezebel here in midtown -- that's right, I don't always eat HoJo cheese fries -- and was nearly knocked out of my chair when a heavyset black man brushed by. I could sense without even turning around that he was somebody fantastic, though I was hoping for Barry White or Don King. Instead, it was the Reverend Al Sharpton, who was dining at the next table with several gorgeous young women.

Whoopi Goldberg whooped it up with Robert De Niro during an animated dinner at the Four Seasons, which I hope means that these two will be working on screen together soon. Where Bob has NOT been spotted recently is at his own restaurant, the Tribeca Grill. How's business, Bob?

I apologize for my scant coverage of the Sundance Film Festival, but most of my sources there we more concerned with the less interesting stuff going on (i.e., the actual films). I do know, however, that flights from Salt Lake City to Los Angeles were stocked with stars, including, on one particular flight, Ed Burns and Heather Graham, who delighted other passengers by smooching throughout the flight.

This sighting is actually from the pages of the Daily News, but its too weird to pass up: apparently, Madonna's daughter Lourdes and her nanny were at the Barney's make-up counter, where customers go and get mini-makeovers. Is Lourdes learning, at such an early age, the values of morphing one's image as her mom has done for decades?

Cathy's Clown

Being a gossip hound in this day and age, one must keep up on changing events hourly, especially when dealing with Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas. Revelations keep spilling from these two like cleavage at the Golden Globe Awards! On Friday, the world was simultaneously overjoyed and repelled by the news that Cathy would be having the child of the "Basic Instinct" star. This explains her disappearance from the Globe ceremony, as she was originally scheduled to present an award. Instead, she relaxed at Mike's place in Los Angeles and watched the absurd, boring events like the rest of the country, presumably on the sofa.

Suddenly, the word "shotgun" looms over stories of their upcoming wedding, as the starlet's close family ties (and judgmental whispers from less open-minded film execs) may have pressured the two into getting married and quick. I can't imagine how beautiful Cathy will look with a motherly glow and a gorgeous pregnant curve to accentuate her already goddess-like features. But, oy! It's Mikey's baby she's a-baking!

Even more zany is Zeta-Jones' decision to convert to the Jewish faith so that her baby can be brought up in the religion of its father. (This should hopefully assuage concerns of my readers last week, who were disgusted at Mike's choice of a secular bride.) She has spoken to a rabbi, and the "transformation" is in progress. The decision is an obvious one, given the couple's decision to raise the child in the Jewish faith. (Her future father-in-law, Kirk Douglas, recently reaffirmed his Jewish faith with a second bar mitzvah.) If you ask me, Cathy will need a lot of intensive training, as she seems to be nothing like a real Jewish mother at all. I mean, do we know whether she can cook or not?

She is reported to be three months pregnant, which means the little bundle of glamour will be delivered just a month or two before its parents get hitched on Sept. 25, possibly in exotic Majorca. First job for baby Cathy/Mikey: ring bearer? Luckily, that may be a responsibility shared with his/her older brother Cameron Douglas, who learned that he will not be receiving any jail time and will not be indicted for cocaine possession after he allegedly bought two grams of the powder in November. Dad's marrying a babe who's having his babe, and Cam gets away with a drug crime that less famous people get thrown in jail for! Totally rad!

Is anybody not thrilled with the concept of a baby Zeta? Why don't we ask Diandra Douglas, who is still not-quite-yet divorced from Michael and apparently took the news of Cathy's pending ovenbake rather hard, according to Post reports. In particular, she may take issue with the trust fund that was set up exclusively for Cameron and not for any other spawn, especially little Welch babies. Though I've heard that maybe Diandra should be worried that Cameron himself may be dipping into the pot prematurely (to buy a share of the Limelight nightclub, where he deejays and which is conveniently owned by his fiancee's father, Peter Gatien).

Will Diandra attack Mike with her lawyers? What else will Cathy do to make Mike happy? Will Mike's movie "Wonder Boys" be as bad as it looks in the trailers? With cocaine charges behind him, what will Cameron possess next? Stay tuned next week for the latest adventures of "The Young And The Fabulous"!

Celebrity Web Sites, Part Two

A couple weeks ago in the column, I highlighted some of the most interesting "official" celebrity websites, those links directly into a star's publicity machine. Now I shall show you four of the worst sites I've found, and, what a coincidence!, two of them happen to be dear friends of The G Spot column!

www.michaeldouglas.com
This official site is for all the fans of Michael Douglas -- are there really so many? -- who need the latest on the middle-aged movie legend. Though not officially launched yet -- as you will see, it's not very elaborate -- it's particularly notable as the place where people first found out about his upcoming marriage to Zeta-Jones. I think it's the blatant shamelessness of the site that got to me: for only $39.95 a year, you can join his fan club and receive a Michael Douglas mouse pad and autographed photo. Smashing! I've always dreamed of rolling my mouse over his face.

www.greenroomonline.com/Stars/ZetaJones/ (site's now dead)
Catherine's Web site is sadly one of the worst I've seen: it's badly designed and poorly written, with little obvious participation from the actress herself. If you click onto the engagement ring, it will link you to the Michael Douglas site. Aaaa! My favorite quote: "Warning: Catherine is pretty good with the sword! She practiced quite a lot during the filming of Zorro." Hey, don't warn us, warn Michael!

www.jimcarreyonline.com
A more interesting site overall, it still lacks the humor of its star and is rather basic for someone so irreverent. I can't even believe that Jim's even been to this site. You can, however, download some scary pencil drawings of Jim along with your very own Jim Carrey onscreen calculator!

http://www.celebsites.com/html/bradpitt (site's now dead)
I hate to diss my hick celebrity soul brother, but does Brad realize that his official page hasn't been updated and can't even be accessed? Is he so lovestruck with The Hairstyle that he's forgotten how important his Internet presence is? (By the way, Mr. Showbiz (also now dead, what a shame) features the official pages of lots of cool stars like Illyana Douglas, John Leguizamo and Denzel Washington. I highly recommend a quick breeze-through. God knows your computer could use a Denis Leary screensaver!)

Until the answer of the question, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" is "Nobody, now retire, Regis!"...
Gregoire

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