In our race to celebrate so many important measured lengths of time (the Generation X decade, the American Century, the "Sexiest Millennium Ever"), I believe we've forgotten a little, itty-bitty unit of time, without which the others would be left dangling.

I present to you 1999:
a year of untarnished MAGIC.

What would we do without the contributions of this modest little year, known previously only as a Prince song and a bad Martin Landau television series? Where would we be without the Blair Witch, computer manipulation of Cher's voice, Haley Joel Osment seein' those dead people, wacky Woodstock moments, la vida loca, Jar Jar Binks and "Mambo No. 5?" Those lamenting the impending apocalypse should be safe in the knowledge that -- heralded by Britney Spears, "Shasta McNasty" and Florence Henderson morning shows -- it is already here.

Just as pop culture has exploded in so many scary directions, so has entertainment gossip. And never have superstars, psuedo-celebrities and sex symbols been more shameless, ludicrous and downright fabulous. Here's my meager attempt to sum up the year nearly-fled, and the buckets of sleaze with which we have willingly doused ourselves.

1999: An Intimate Portrait

If I were Barbara Walters and 1999 were a nervous, well-dressed mega-celebrity, I would soften the lights and ask it: 1) Why go Latin?; 2) Were you proud that Frank Sinatra died during you?; 3) Did you get "Eyes Wide Shut"?; and 4) Do you believe in life after love? Demure 1999 would utter a quiet, almost coy laugh, then answer 1) "With all these white-ass boy groups, I felt we needed something ... saucier." 2) "Oh, extremely. And I'm working on Bob Hope before New Year's." 3) "Yes. It's about metaphors and their capacity to confuse." 4) "What the hell is Cher talking about?"

But words from the year itself aren't indicative of the absurdity we've had to endure. As this was officially the Year Of The Body, I'll break it down by parts:

Hair: Cameron Diaz, no stranger to funky hair ideas, fries hers going from blonde to black for "Being John Malkovich" and will further torture her follicles as one of "Charlie's Angels" with Drew Barrymore. Kari Russell shocks the world by shedding her curls. Hair Of the Year: Dr. Evil.

Eyes: Stevie Wonder makes plans to get the corrective surgery to see, while eyes of the "Wide Shut" variety scandalize and bore audiences and critics alike. Seeing through John Malkovich's eyes, however, is a popular pasttime. Eyes Of The Year: Matt Damon (I wept at the "Talented Mr. Ripley" trailer).

Lips: Angelina Jolie, high on more than rumors, hooks up with Timothy Hutton, finally comes to the big screen in "The Bone Collector" and collects a bone thrown by the Golden Globes for her stint in "Girl Interrupted," playing a rebellious wacko (that's no stretch, trust me). Melanie Griffith contines to annoy, sucking the sexy life essence out of her husband Antonio Banderas and storing it in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons she calls lips. And Julia Roberts, in bliss with her semi-Latin love Benjamin Bratt, returns to the status of mega-star with two romantic comedies, one good ("Notting Hill"), one horrific ("The Runaway Bride"). Lips Of the Year: Hilary Swank, playing the poutiest crossdresser ever in "Boys Don't Cry."

Nose: Fabio gets smacked in the schnozz by a low-flying bird and Debbie Matenopoulos conveniently breaks her nose while at Moomba, just a couple months after getting canned from "The View." Nose-heavy Barbra Streisand sells her old junk at auction and charges $3,000 per seat at her New Year's Eve show. Nose Of The Year: that beautifully bulbous olfactory instrument of Dylan McDermott on "The Practice."

Breasts: Where to begin with the boobies? Pamela Anderson Lee lost some of her silicone, and Britney Spears has a "sudden" growth spurt, a cup enhancement that she still vehemently denies. Li'l Kim gets a li'l squeeze from Diana Ross at the MTV Video Awards and the artificially stacked Tori Spelling goes legit in "Trick." Geri Halliwell's breasts become bigger than her career as a solo makeover totally flops. Male breast icon Ryan Phillippe impregnates buxom babe Reece Witherspoon, proving he's not as dumb as he looks in any of his films. And, somehow related to all of this, Howard Stern, the king of breast appreciation, separates from his wife. Breasts Of The Year: Sophia Loren's at this year's Oscars. My God, did you see those things?!

Fingers: Ellen Barkin flashes her yellow-diamond engagement rock all about town, proving that Ron Perelman did not pick a quiet girl. Fingers Of The Year: Chicken fingers from KFC.

Heart: Lo, the many celebrities who got their hearts stomped on this year! Leading the pack is Ben Affleck, who shamelessly couldn't get over his old love Gwyneth Paltrow. Other achin' hearts included Lynn Redgrave (upon hearing that her husband of 30 years had a love child with her personal assistant!), Luke Wilson (who got dumped by "home fry" Drew Barrymore), and Breakup Girl, at the news of Jon Stewart and Marc Anthony's [respective] engagements. Heart Of The Year: Ann and Nancy Wilson, Heart, always and forever.

Hips: Mariah Carey juts her hips out ever further on her latest disappointment, "Heartbreaker" and in her latest steamy affair with Latin stud Luis Miguel. Fake-hip-equipped Liza Minelli returns to Broadway in a scary, scintillating new show. Hips Of The Year: Ricky Martin, shaking his bon-bon.

Waist: Rumors of anorexically manipulated waistlines continue to plague Calista Flockhart, who was successfully seen at every major sporting event of the year eating five hot dogs, ten bears and a dozen small animals. (Luckily, her return to the New York stage in "Bash" offsets the gossip.) Skinny winnie Lara Flynn Boyle is also wrecked with rumors -- both those of her weight and her oddball relationship with Jack Nicholson. After a real car wreck with Nicholson -- in which she fled from the scene for fear of publicity -- she admits to the scary pairing. Other women are accused of aiming for the opposite end of shapeliness, like the publicly scrutinized figures of Sharon Stone, Kate Winslet, and Christina Ricci. Only Ricci is affected, looking weird and starved on various magazine covers promoting "Sleepy Hollow." Waist Of The Year: Sarah Ferguson, for flaunting her crown for cheap money as the Weight Watchers spokeswoman.

Penis: This is the year that we learned that Scott Wolf calls his penis "The Little Marine." Penis Of The Year: The Little Marine

Butt: Jennifer Lopez continues to field horrible Chris Rock jokes and sexy advances from her beau Puff Daddy, all thanks to a gluteus maximus that has gotten more press than most third-world countries. Sensing her butt's importance to international politics and culture, she insures her body for $1 billion dollars (just a rumor, alas, but a good one). A smaller butt -- Nicole Kidman's -- is routinely displayed on Broadway in "The Blue Room." Butt Of The Year: Catherine Zeta-Jones' tightly-Entrapped derriere.

General Nudity: Lots of stars got nude for highly inappropriate reasons this year (see last week's column on Courtney Love) though the best stripdown definitely belongs to Matthew McConaughey and his papa-loves-mambo boogie with an unidentified young male that the police unhelpfully broke up. Nudity Of The Year: "Eyes Wide Shut" (for laughs); the nude Leonardo DiCaprio pictures we never saw (also for laughs).

G-Spot Couple Of The Year

And now, on to my yearly accolades!

Well, I'll tell who's NOT Couple Of the Year: Winona Ryder and Matt Damon. For two pretty megastars such as these, we hardly ever saw them out together and they don't talk about their relationship. Boring! Some runners-up for this coveted title include the cute little courtship of Julia Roberts and Benjamin Bratt; the mildly interesting breakup of Andre Agassi and Brooke Shields, and the immature antics of Puff Daddy and Lady Lopez. But the top three couples of the year are...

3. Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman - Whether forcing members of their domestic staff to sign bizarre confidentiality contracts or suing a reporter for spying on their cell phone conversations, these two tried hard to keep us out of their biz-ness. Well, Tommy and Nicky, as long as you're in the spotlight -- both with perfectly scandalous pasts -- then we'll worship and adore your every ridiculous move!

2. Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones - Simply the creepiest, most unnerving relationship of the year. That shifty guy's sleeping with that doe-eyed hottie?! She's no stranger to the May-December combo either (both on-screen and off) but their serious swerve into upper-crust New York society together has been garishly fascinating. More, I say! More!

1. Gwyneth and Ben - They broke up in January, but we have had to deal with the aftermath for an entire year. Ben has never quite gotten over Gwyn, that's apparent, and the speculation of their post-romance "friendship" has followed them to awards shows, Saturday Night Live and even the backstreets of Soho, where Ben resides, supposedly having sex in front of large, uncurtained windows. Gwyn, meanwhile, has moved on to Guy Oseary (who traded up from Fran Drescher, incidentally), but will her heart still go on for Ben? Stay tuned, 'cause these lovecats have got lots more to purr about for the new millennium.

Celebrity Freak Of The Year

So many to choose from, so little to admire! The freaks do not fill us with glamour, only shame. The freaks do not make us proud to be obsessed with them. They only scare us and confuse us. Be damned, you celebrity freak runners-up David Blaine (go back into your glass coffin, gothic fiend!), Jay-Z (stop stabbing people!), Andy Dick (stop, drop and roll yourself into a mental house, goofy!), and the three best...

3. Gary Coleman: It's so sad to pick on a former child star, but when you've been as shameless as Mr. Coleman -- selling personal effects and even dates with himself online -- you deserve special credit. Somebody get the man some work, pronto!

2. Monica Lewinsky: A boring choice, for she's been raked over the coals by the entire world. And yet, every time I see her "tell-all" on a discounted book shelf and hear of her impending Hollywood career, it makes me sad to be an American and a presidential mistress.

1. Garth Brooks: The biggest goofball of the year is this black-hatted yokel, who managed to tarnish his career with a little creation by the name of Chris Gaines, and then announce his impending retirement. Going to "retire" with Celine Dion, perhaps?

G-Spot Celebrity Of The Year

And finally, my list of the ten best (as in juiciest and most gossip-enriched) celebrities of the year. Drumroll please...

10. Kevin Spacey: On the straight and narrow, proving that acting gay can get you anything if you put your heart into it.

9. Edward Norton: Playboy of the Year, bouncing from Courtney Love to Cameron Diaz to his current fling Selma Hayek, proving that acting straight can get you anything if you put your heart into it.

8. Lourdes Ciccone: Madonna's baby has influenced her mother's decisions in a wide array of glamorous worlds, from spirituality to locale (movin' to London to go to school, yippie!)

7. Whitney Houston: Giving us some of the finest, most absurd diva scenes this side of Diana Ross, from kooky tantrums to devilish behavior in the concert.

6. Leonardo DiCaprio: The party boy continues to tarnish his image in the hearts of all those little girls who loved him in "Titanic," while getting the most sincere appreciation from a kindred spirit such as me!!

5. Jim Carrey - Wow, what a weirdo this guy is turning out to be! From his unsettling transformation into Andy Kaufman to his irreverent, Oscar-snubbed antics at celebrity functions, there's never a dull moment for this rubber-faced comedian. Never as annoying as Robin Williams, but growing steadily Robin-like.

4. The Backstreet Boys - If not so much for the gossip, I give the Boys props for instigating the most heated, most impassioned letters I've ever received. Next year I'll reveal that the Backstreet Boys are all not only gay, but gay Satan-worshippers.

3. Gwyneth Paltrow - When she's not stomping on the hearts of men, she's looking gorgeous!!

2. Jennifer Lopez - On the six, on the downlow, or just on Puff Daddy, she's causing controversy wherever she goes, with skimpy outfits, a weak singing voice, and a priceless figure.

1. Ricky Martin - By far, it's Little Ricky who has provided us with the most to talk about: his sexuality, his talents, his clothing, his skin (calling Clearasil!!), his secrets and, most importantly, his ability to entertain and tantalize his fans and enemies alike. Thank you, Ricky, you've helped me get through another year. When Y2K is but a misty recollection and we're off into the celebrity-rich world of the 21st Century, we'll be able to look back to 1999 and say, "Yep, that Ricky, the tackiest, gayest, most fabulous star in the cosmos! Thank you for showing us the way!"

Next week, we look forward to that star-studded future.

Plus Paul The Intern's super-wacky star stalking of a "Sex and The City" starlet!!

Until we party like it's $19.99,
Gregoire

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