It's Golden Globes time again, children, and I hope you'll all be gathered around your television sets on Sunday to view this bizarre awards program, where major films are honored alongside HBO tele-films and the child of some third-rate, faded actor is dragged onto the stage and proclaimed this year's "Miss Golden Globes." (How many resumes do you suppose have that as "job experience"?) The Globes are frequently used as a bellwether for the Academy Awards, but recently they've been off the mark (Jim Carrey won best actor last year, and he wasn't even nominated for an Oscar!)

So, who should we expect to climb the stage this year to receive that strange, gold-plated, vaguely sexual statuette? Skipping the irrelevant television awards, I predict the Best Comedy categories will be moderate surprise wins, with Carrey losing out for his "Man In The Moon" performance to Rupert Everett ("An Ideal Husband") or possibly even to Sean Penn ("Sweet And Downlow"). Best Actress In a Comedy should belong to Janet McTeer ("Tumbleweeds") but I wouldn't count out Reese Witherspoon ("Election"), who in my opinion deserves to win all the Golden Globes as well as all the flower arrangements and place settings. Best Motion Picture Comedy is a total toss-up, but as this is the Foreign Press Association (whoever that is), I easily see "Toy Story 2" taking this prize in a shocker.

On the Drama side? A little easier to guess, with the infallible Hilary Swank ("Boys Don't Cry") still riding her buzz to get the Best Actress Globe, and Denzel Washington ("The Hurricane") blowing away Russell Crowe ("The Insider") for Best Actor. And for Best Drama? If "American Beauty" loses, then somebody should be arrested and these Foreign Press people should be deported.

Of course if I'm wrong (and, very often, I admit, I am) then I'm blaming it on the booze.

Cheers to Lilith!

My favorite "Cheers" alum and Broadway star Bebe Neuwirth has bagged herself a boy, and one bred by the Clinton administration no less. The supersexy Bebe, who jumped back into "Chicago" this week, was holding hands and kissing the chubby little cheeks of one George Stephanopoulos at last week's "Chicago" debut of Robert Urich. The ex-politico, who exclusively chases starlets and occasionally snares one (such as ex-girlfriend and plastic surgery poster-girl Jennifer Grey) was so turned on by the raven-haired goddess that he kissed her arm from finger to elbow and beckoned her to scoot out of the show early, presumably to show her some tricks taught by his former boss, Bill Clinton. Bebe, always the diplomat, decided that would rude and stayed to watch Urich.

Gwyneth and the Angry Inch

The blonde, thin one, Miss Paltrow, was back in town last week, this time to catch her old pal Matt McGrath in his debut as the other blonde, thin one in the off-Broadway smash "Hedwig and the Angry Inch." Sipping on a Rolling Rock, the Miramax money-maker (and Madonna lip-locker, see below) sang along merrily to her cross-dressing friend on stage. Later, Gwyn told a photographer friend of mine that Matt was actually in "The Talented Mr. Ripley," but all his scenes were cut! Maybe if a few more of yours had been cut, dah-ling, we could have seen him.

Star Sightings

I've neglected my delivery of star-sightings, so I'm giving you an extra-sized triple dosage of them this week, my loves: The David Telasco-Roy Jones Jr. boxing face-off last Saturday didn't even register on my radar, but it obviously made a dent in the celebrity landscape, as famous people flocked to see the two sweaty men hitting each other repeatedly and passionately.

Afterwards, at the HBO after-party at a swanky uptown bar, the stars gathered to drink and revel in their love of the violent sport. Seen drinking it up were the mighty Puffy one (a Clyde once again sans his Bonnie, Jennifer Lopez), pal Jay-Z, Samuel L. Jackson ("outcooling the whole room," according to my source), Denzel Washington (who might win an Oscar for boxing in "The Hurricane"), most of the cast of "The Sopranos" (who, from the looks of it, always travel in a pack), and the New York's premiere outer borough doyennes Rosie Perez and Debi Mazur. (Sware to God, Rosie was actually overheard saying, "Oh my gawd, Debi, how's yo-ah new film?")

And writhing on the dancefloor was Milla Jovovich, who decided to intrigue onlookers by dirty-dancing with both female friends and strangers, as though possessed in a sudden lesbianic fury. This reminds me of reports from Miami over the holidays in which Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow, just hours after dissing Jennifer Lopez as the Versace millennium party, were seen making out and groping each other at a local nightclub. Sounds too unbelievable (or, if you're a straight man, too good) to be true? Celebs wishing for that edgy vibe routinely display themselves in unusual acts of false homosexuality. The most general rule to follow is this -- if they're actresses kissing other actresses, they're usually just kidding; if they're actors kissing other actors, then somebody call Out Magazine, pronto.

"Gregoire, I visited an old Princeton friend at his family's swanky Upper West Side apartment last week. I waited in the lobby while he went to park the car and lo-and-behold who should come home but Sting and his family. He thanked the doorman for recommending the movie 'Galaxy Quest.' I can't believe he saw that movie and liked it!! My friend told me that Paul Simon and Lorne Michaels also live in the building. Anyway, my neighbors are a guy who decorates for holidays way too early and a woman who looks like her cats."

We all can't have celebrities for neighbors, love. One of my best friends lives next door to Tony Award-winner Frank Wood, and let me tell you, you can't have loud music or noisy music or anything because these people need their rest. At least the woman who looks like her cats probably doesn't have to entertain thousands, and thus does not require the beauty sleep of a superstar. And, by the way, I have a confession to make. I also saw "Galaxy Quest" and loved it. I wanna be JUST like Sting!

"Gregoire, Spotted on post-New Year's Hawaiian Airlines flight from Maui to Los Angeles: Maria Bello in coach! Why travel coach, then have a limo pick you up?"

Easy. A film or television studio will fit the bill for a car service, but she probably paid for her own plane ticket. Bet she regrets quitting "ER" now!

"Gregoire, I see Sandra Bullock all around town. My boyfriend and her boyfriend are in a band called the Scabs here in Austin. The Scabs played her New Year's party which her good friends Nicole and Tom were to attend but didn't. The Scabs were to have several songs on the soundtrack of her new flick "Gunshy" but Bob Schnieder (the lead singer and songwriter) decided to just list "Bob Schnieder" instead (after the deals were made and the songs were recorded). The Scabs have been the most popular band in town for a few years, playing to 400-600 people every Tuesday night in addition to touring, but that's about to change. Sandy hangs out at the shows and tries to act like a rocker chick. Very lame."

"Gregoire, Over the holidays I went home to Boston (alas, I was not invited to the Affleck-Damon soiree). On the flight home, a stranger was nice enough to help me get my many presents down from the overhead bin. That stranger was none other than Big Ben's brother, Casey. He was a really quite nice. I actually thought he was Joey McIntyre of NKOTB fame at first. Oops."

D'oh! The only worse mistake you could have possibly had made is mistaking Mark Wahlberg for his brother Donnie, also of NKOTB fame!

"I forgot to mail you about a bit in your column last week. Ben And Matt didn't rent out a bar, lovey. It was a very upscale, chic restaurant, where we all go to see and be seen, called Sonsie. Not just a bar for these two, they went all out. (Let's hope they stuck it to the owner... he's a world-class creep!)"

Thanks for the clarification, doll. If I know these boys like I think I do, I'm still willing to bet that "went all out" means they drank themselves into a hellish oblivion.

You know, the realm of Breakup Girl is really coming into its own when the stars actually seem to be coming to them. Seen within walking distance of the Oxygen headquarters BG: the illegally sexy Peter Berg strolling sensually by Breakup Girl Friday; the illegally unsexy (but terminally cool) William H. Macy, with friend and "Magnolia" Philip Baker Hall, having some difficulty at ATM machine (funny, but I also happened to see his "Fargo" costar Frances McDormand at an ATM machine a few months ago!); and Hall's "Magnolia" costar Phillip Seymour Hoffman talking to friends, his ear-flap cap at a rakish angle. A word about Phil -- he always looks five times better in person than he does on the screen. You know that saying about the camera adding ten pounds. It's completely true, because Phil baby, you're gorg.

But nothing beats BG and Friday's surreal sighting while enjoying the delightful off-Broadway hit "Dinner with Friends." While waiting in line for the bathroom before the show, the two stood in front of a fidgety, boorish older woman. At first glance she appeared to be a woman who, by cosmetic surgical means, had formed her face to look somewhat like that of Kathleen Turner's. Once inside the lavatory, she took it upon herself to clean up and turn the running faucets up. In general, drawing attention to herself.

Curious to crack the code of this unusual looking lady, our two celebrity sleuths eavesdropped on the woman and her somewhat disheveled-looking companion from across the aisle during intermission. Indeed, they discovered that this woman who was attempting to look like Kathleen Turner was, in fact, Kathleen Turner! According to witnesses, "Kathleen looked very nice in her black jeans, but the puffy face and weirdo foundation stuff going on was just TOO odd. And it is remarkable how her voice is in a constant state of slurred, I've-been-smoking-for-50-years drunkenness."

All available reports on Kathleen -- including my own unfortunate experience of having once interviewed her for a college newspaper -- point to an almost supernatural bitchiness and arrogance in her dealings with others, which must obviously explain why she's currently way out of the spotlight, practically banned from all films (except the five-car-pileup "Baby Geniuses"), and is tentatively slated to star in a one-woman play on the life of Tallulah Bankhead, a woman who was probably a bigger bitch than even Kathy! What happened, darling? While your former leading man, Mike Douglas, is off with hot, young starlets, you're groping for attention in downtown ladies' bathrooms!

G-Mail

"Gregoire, Michael Douglas is not white as in WASP, he is Yiddish-American. THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE. WASPs come from rich Northern Europe while the Yiddish are from poor parts of Eastern and Southern Europe and have been traditionally discriminated against because of a 2,000-year refugee title. (Remember the Holocaust? Yeah, over 6 million Yiddish "Nationals" were the focus of genocide there.) That is what makes his wedding sick, he could have married a nice Yiddish girl HIS OWN AGE, and helped rebuild our people. Instead he turned his back on his culture, and married a foreigner. Our people are a dying race!!!! He has no compassion in his heart. I guess we'll all have to sit shiva for him... shiva is the traditional mourning the dead."

I knew there was something even more insidious about Mike beyond his rich, masculine exterior: he's a tool of Hitler!

Celebrity (Web) Sitings -- Part One

With the Internet becoming a deciding factor in the success of films ("The Blair Witch Fiasco, er, Project"), it should come as no surprise that the stars themselves have launched their own official sites to promote their fame. The "official" sites are much different than the universe of fan-based sites, as none feature doctored nude shots, scandalous gossip, or long love-letters that the page creators hope will win the celebrity into their beds. Surprisingly, only the most vain stars have "official" Web sites, which is what's so deliriously fun about them.

Over the next few weeks, I'll highlight the most laughable, the most bizarre and the most hideous. But for now, I'll point you in the direction of the four most interesting sites I've researched this week:

www.affleck.com -- Not surprisingly, Ben Affleck, the most post-modern of self-effacing action stars, actually has a beautifully designed web page that not only features some stylish pictures of the actor but even brings up such controversial topics as his unfortunate directing debut in the scandalously titled film "I Killed My Lesbian Wife, Hung Her On A Meat Hook and Now I Have A Three-Picture Deal With Disney." And, obviously, there's a link to mattdamon.com. (Question: Ben shares everything else with Matt; why can't he share Web page designers?)

www.leonardodicaprio.com -- I know we don't care about Leo anymore, but I'd suggest giving this a look if you really want to see how over-the-top these things can get. This was the first place for die-hard fans to catch the trailer to his new film "The Beach" and it also features more pictures of Leo looking more girly than I thought possible. Could that be why he has the faint ghost of facial hair in his latest Talk Magazine photo spread?

www.willsmith.net (site's now dead) -- By far the most dazzling site (because he's got a music label behind him to design the damn thing), this little window into the persona of Will Smith is as sleek and impersonal as the actual star.

http://greenroomonline.com/Stars/ToriSpelling (site's now dead) -- This rather routine site for nepotism's biggest star has one unintentionally hysterical section: a puzzle game in which you can slide around pieces of Tori's face. Very similar to the challenges faced by Tori's many plastic surgeons! Does she realize how absurd this is?

More sites to be discussed next week, including the cyber nests of lovebirds Mike and Cathy. Also, I'll bring you all the aftermath of the Golden Globes. Will Madonna be with Rupert? When Matt Damon hears his name for Best Actor, whose hand will he be holding -- Winona Ryder's or Ben Affleck's? And who will be in the bathroom when their name is called this year -- Angelina Jolie? Sean P. Hayes? Jack Lemmon?

Until Gwyneth plays Hedwig (hey, it worked for Ally Sheedy... oh wait, no it didn't),
Gregoire

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