So, Kevin Spacey is straight, eh? And he uses his status as a purported "gay man" to pick up women?

Well, then so do I!

The entire institution of homosexuality is, in fact, a sham -- a babe magnet! Thank you, Mr. Spacey, for revealing our age-old secret to the world. Now that women know that we're pretending, Kev, I can't imagine I'll ever get a date. Carmen Electra hasn't returned my calls! Hmm, guess we'll have to play a new game. I know, let's act like lesbians!

Ahem, anyway, enough pontificating, sugarpuffs, let's begin....

Curious George

Somebody call ER, 'cause we have a love emergency! George Clooney, he of the brooding, puppy-dog eyes and severe Caesar cut, has been dropped by his cute French girlfriend Celine Balitran. Mon dieu! She cites his frequent absence on film shoots as a reason for the split-up, but I find that a completely lame excuse. Honey, date a Starbucks manager if you want a homebody! George has to spread his wings ... which he did recently at a downtown bar, with two attractive brunettes on either arm. He's not shedding any tears, and nor should she. Because of her proximity to him, Balitran recently made People Magazine's 50 Most Beautiful People list. I always find that after a bad breakup, it really helps me cope when I make a 50 Most Beautiful People list. You too?

And the winners aren't...

A confidante of mine backstage at the MTV Music Video Awards last week gave me a few nuggets of info regarding the behavior of some of the celebrities she encountered. This will shock every single one of my mature readers, but the most charming performers were, according to my source, the Backstreet Boys, who were "professional," "mature," and most definitely "with it" in terms of handling press and fans alike. (I guess when your music is as toxically fluff as theirs, you can't afford a single off-moment!) Not surprisingly, my source described Ricky Martin as "a great, big woman" in mannerism and demeanor. No surprise to G Spot readers, that's for sure! Madonna was on her best behavior, though was noticeably bored by the entire proceedings. And Chris Rock, so busily ruining the entire awards show with his cruel, caustic humor, was short and unfriendly to most everyone backstage.

Drag Teen Queen

Last week, I attended New York's annual glam-a-thon Wigstock, an all-day drag queen celebration with sizzling musical and dance performances, not to mention bad jokes and taffeta for miles. If you'd swum through all the men in dresses, however, you'd have found nestled away in the VIP lounge none other than Dawson's Creek sweetie Katie Holmes, soothing her "Mrs. Tingle"-induced wounds by surrounding herself with friends in glamorous dresses. Seems Holmes gets bored on the set and flies into New York every weekend she can get to hang with her friend, drag rock star Lily Of The Valley. Of course, every attempt of the paparazzi to catch her on film with the drag lot was met with a scowl. I don't blame her, really. If you were a woman surrounded by superwomen, would you wanna be photographed with them? Not without my rouge!

Why didn't she ask her psychic friends for directions?

So when I'm not manning my corner booth here at the HoJo, I do some occasional secretarial work in the neighborhood -- you know, filing my nails, shredding documents, obtaining high-priced call girls for clients. I had just busily photocopied the entire Manhattan phone book for fun when I turned the corner and ran right into psychic songstress Dionne Warwick, accompanied by a plump, younger gentleman. She asked me for directions to a certain office, which I did not know; it was all I could do not to shout, "But I do know the way to San Jose!" Ms. Warwick looked her age, but considering her home had just recently been robbed (her maid and brother tied up and everything, just like a Rockford Files episode!), I'm sure she's been too stressed to care about facial care. Our prayers are with you, Di!

Witty Rivers

Earlier in the week, I decided to culture myself by catching the Pulitzer Prize winner play "Wit," now starring Judith Light, the actress best known as Angela from the hit Tony Danza show "Who's The Boss?" Given this performance, I'd say Light's the boss! She had completely shed her pop-culture trappings, not to mention her hair, to deliver an illumining performance as a woman slowly dying of ovarian cancer. I dare Alyssa Milano to show such an amazing range of emotion in those damn Candies ads of hers! The show also starred Grant Show, best known as "Jake from Melrose," and it was sickly amusing to see the actor who bedded practically every female character on that show now portraying a clinical gynecologist.

Despite these performances, the celebrity that grabbed my attention that night was that of the lady sitting right in front of me, Joan Rivers. Though the gabby queen of fashion talk has clearly worshiped at the altar of Plasticene, goddess of cosmetic enhancement, I thought she looked radiant and healthy. I followed her right out the door at play's end in order to overhear something sassy, and I was not disappointed. At noticing that the theater sold "Wit" hats -- the same hat that the cancer patient in the play wears -- Joan promptly exclaimed, "That's the tackiest thing I've ever seen in my life!" Considering her crass commentary on Oscar fashion, I'd say that's a major policy statement!

G-Mail

"Dear Gregoire, In my city, the G-Spot is a dirty gay bar! Just thought you should know!"

That's really odd! In my hometown, the G-Spot is both an animal adoption agency and a center for youth crisis counseling. Readers, what is the G-Spot in your town?

"Can you fill me in on the possible release date of 'Groove Society'? Sounds interesting.... BTW, LOVE your column -- it's the only reason I come to work on Tuesday!"

"The Groove Society," for those who read my Corey Haim tribute last week, is his latest film project, a gritty look into rave-dance culture and pill-popping clubbers. As this looks like a really low-budget affair, look for this to hit your local Cineplex this, oh, never! I'd suspect this is straight to video, like most Haim accomplishments. And thanks for the kudos, doll. BTW, does your boss know that your only reason to come to work is to read a snooping, drunken gossip columnist? I've forwarded an email fyi-ing them, so they won't bother you in the future.

"I just about fell off my chair laughing today. Why? Well, you know how you *bold* the names of the famous folks in your column (of course you know, it's your column), I loved that Satan made the cut. Very amusing. Does God also make the cut? (In my world, he doesn't even get a capital letter, but that's just me.) Thanks for the chuckle!!"

You can thank Breakup Girl and Breakup Girl Friday hokey ole boldings. Would God make the cut? I don't know. Did Betsy bold it? Here's a list of random proper names. Let's see which ones she bolds: Susan Lucci, the Rosicrucians, Edna Babbish from "Laverne And Shirley," Wonder Bread, Jesus Christ, Ben-Gay, Lorna Luft.

Bicycle Sightings And now my favorite star sighting of the month, from a still-mortified source. While riding her bike through the Lower East Side on her way to work, our celeb-spotter came up to a light and noticed a familiar looking young man who was also on a bike. "Do I know you?" she asked the attractive redhead. He shook his head and said he didn't think so. "Then why do you look so familiar?" she returned. He replied, "Well, I was in the movie 'True Romance'. Maybe you saw that movie?"

It was at this moment that my source realized that she was talking to Michael Rappaport (who has made several good movies since 'True Romance" but was probably being modest). At that moment, the light changed and they rode off together until the next red light. "Hello again," he said to my source.

As the light turned green, my spy discovered that her bike chain had loosened and she pulled over to tighten it. As she prepared to fix her bike, Michael Rappaport came up behind her and asked if she needed any help or if she was hurt. Stunned, my spy said she was fine and that this happened to her bike all the time. Michael Rappaport smiled, told her to have a great day and sped off.

After fixing her chain, my spy took a slight detour down some small Village streets to make up for her delay. After several turns, she sped up to a corner and who should be waiting there on his bike but ... Michael Rappaport!

"You got your bike fixed. That's great!" he smiled while my spy replied with a grin, thinking to herself, "He must think I'm following him!" She waved and rode off, making sure she took a winding, scenic route down alleyways and obscure streets in order to lose him. However, sure enough, about a half mile or so from work, she turned down a street and right into ... Michael Rappaport!

"Wow, we're seeing each other everywhere, aren't we," the actor, now a little concerned, said. They exchanged a few more seconds of small talk before my spy raced to work, where she finally arrived a shaken, confused mess. Michael Rappaport was not waiting at work for her, thankfully.

(Which, some days, would be the only reason I'd go to work, BTW.)

You can't make up stories as wacky as this one. Only in New York, mes choux!

Until Kevin Spacey quits following Michael Rappaport around,
Gregoire

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