My bachelor pad is still decorated with palm-tree decorations from my "Survivor" soiree, for I refuse to believe it's over! I've even decided to give "Big Brother" a try, because I need daily injections of reality-TV like I need Stoli. Sadly, however, it's nowhere near as full of scandal and backstabbing. In fact, it's so bad that it's not even good-bad, i.e., Susan Hawk's damning Tribal Council speech on "Survivor" or the various bitch-slapping fests on "The Real World." It's weird to watch people trapped in a house go from thinking they're going to become celebrities to realizing that their horrid, low-rated show will only provide them with mental torment for their entire lives! In fact, Karen, the neurotic mess of a housewife that was "banished" from the house last week, has already left her husband due, no doubt, to harping about her marital woes on national television six days a week. Thank the Lord I ripped up my "Survivor II" application before sending it in. I would surely have been selected, and, clutch the pearls, it would have ruined my life forever!

Back in this anti-reality know as gossip-land, I've got some dish on Bruce Willis and Anne Heche, and, as always, a spectacular collection of star sightings, featuring such minor celebrities Jerry Seinfeld and John Cusack and true mega-superstars like Richard Simmons and Morgan Fairchild!

Lesbian News

My second favorite lesbian couple (after Matt Damon and Ben Affleck) have always been Ellen Degeneres and Anne Heche, so I'm still reeling from their breakup last week. And as the dust settles, more info is being revealed about the nature of the demise. You've all heard by now that a disturbingly unsettled Anne was captured in Fresno, Ca., in a state of drug-induced mania -- half-naked, shaken, and spouting nonsense about aliens taking everyone to heaven. (Sources say she may have been on the drug ecstasy, but it sounds more like Scientology to me!) Her agents claim that it was caused by sunstroke, and witnesses describe Anne's shoulders as looking like "Heinz ketchup." (Hey, isn't Heinz making green ketchup now? I don't suppose that's what they meant....)

Well, it's no surprise that Annie took a mental vacation, given the gossip buzzing about the breakup. Apparently, Annie, who some claim was just using Ellen for some quicko publicity, may be returning to that well-decorated closet of hers and back to the world of heterosexuality. And she may have had a celebrity guest-star in that lushly stocked storage room: "Psycho" costar Vince Vaughn. Reports suggest it may also have been a costar from her latest film "John Q," which she begin filming before the breakup was announced. I wouldn't suspect it would be costars Denzel Washington (who's happily coupled) or Robert Duvall (which is just gross). Hmm, who is this mystery hetero converter?

Ellen, however, is moving on, but poorly. The day of the breakup, Ellen was dining with her agent at Orso's in LA looking severely distressed. And she was spotted last Thursday in New York at Muse cruising for a companion and then giving up, looking sullen and depressed. God, I hate it when funny people are gloomy. Oh, don't cry, love! There will be others worthy of your brilliant self. Maybe you should check out the US Open! Since we're on the topic of fabulous lesbians, expect some jaws to drop when Melissa Etheridge publishes her memoirs later this year. According to Inside.com, she divulges that she was sexually abused by her sister. (No wonder she's built up so much angst in her music!) She'll also reveal some tidbits about her hot wife, Julie Cypher. By the way, trust me on this: here's a couple that's built to last. (It helps, I think, to have a child fathered by David Crosby.)

And, while I'm not sure of her sexual status, rock goddess Joan Jett was seen hanging on the bar last week at Meow Mix, the grungiest, coolest lesbian bar in New York. When you're as iconic as Joan, does it really matter who or what you sleep with?

Reunited (And It Feels So Good)

We all have a fatalistic attraction to bad boys or bad girls; it's as affixed to our DNA as eye color and fashion sense. Luckily, one celebrity, the morally vexed Meg Ryan, has decided to fight nature and return to her senses by dumping brooding womanizer Russell Crowe and attempting a reconciliation with hubby Dennis Quaid. Dennis, however, may have had all he could take of his loopy lover and decide he's rather fond of independence. In the meantime, Dennis is using yoga as a way to make up his mind. The "Frequency" stud recently went to Tuscany in rustic, serene Italia for a one-week spiritual experience as part of his yoga class. He's devoted to his yoga group in Santa Monica, and the trip is part of a spiritual journey to get in touch with his inner, fabulous self. I hope you found him, Dennis, and I hope he's more faithful to you than Meg!

There was another surprising reunion last week, as former lovers Hugh Grant and Liz Hurley looked to be rekindling their affair, at least for one week. The pair were vacationing together off the coast of Sardinia -- naturally -- and were spotted making out and getting all cuddly-like by more than one observant jet-setter. As they have made no real public effort in making a serious split -- they still run a production company together and show up arm-in-arm at smashing English galas and such -- I'm beginning to think they're pulling a Gwyneth-and-Ben, announcing a very public breakup, then seeing each other on the sly. (But then, I guess Sardinia isn't really "on the sly" now is it?)

And for those naysayers who doubted me months ago when I first revealed my Gwyn-Ben theory (that they concocted on elaborate public meltdown so that they could continue to see each other in private), one observant spy reports that "people are constantly spotting Ben coming out of Gwyneth's [West Village] brownstone in the early morning hours." Can we just say it officially, people? Gwennie and Benny are back in Lovesville!

Spin Control

What's the hot new hobby among the glamour elite? Deejaying, naturally, because you're the focus of the party and all you're doing is playing records! (Why do you think I'm a deejay? Check out my other persona, Johnny Bubbles, at www.halcyonline.com.) Cameron Douglas, son of Mike, step-son of Catherine Z, spins at the Limelight regularly; Quentin Tarentino plays his blaxploitation faves whenever he gets the chance; and Sean Lennon manned the music at Spa last week (to the delight of merry nightowls Liev Schreiber and Joaquin Phoenix). Now the two-turntables-and-a-microphone are being turned over to none other than Bruce Willis. The "Sixth Sense" star recently sent Brits into a frenzy at Met Bar in London by playing a set of boogie classics ranging from Chubby Checker to Michael Jackson. The multitalented, balding star wowed the crowd, so expect him to pop up in New York sometime soon. I wonder if he happened to spin his own record, "The Return Of Bruno"? Now, there's an idea! An entire evening devoted to the music of 1980s actors-turned-singers, featuring Don Johnson, Jack Wagner, and Michael Damian. Why, you'd pack the dance floor! Think Victor Calderone will do a remix of Johnson's "Heartbeat"?

SEEN!

Note to the legion of John Cusack lovers out there: he's still dating Neve Campbell. The 80s icon was seen with the "Scream" queen in Manhattan at Le Taxi last week, chatting it up while a Chihuahua yapped incessantly. Oh, King of Cool, return to us!

Survivors of a different ilk were working the dance floor at Sky Bar in Los Angeles. That's right, the five cutest "Survivor" stars after Colleen Haskell -- namely, Jenna Lewis, Joel Klug, Greg Buis, Sean Kenniff and Gervase Peterson -- filtered into the celeb-heavy nightspot flanked by the show's producers for a little civilized play. Spies say all looked fantastic, though Jenna needs a new wardrobe and Joel needs to step two feet back from his can of mousse. Gervase, in particular, exhibited some stylin' dance moves that the CBS cameras failed to catch. Special note to Greg: despite the venom spewed by all my friends toward you, I don't care that you robbed Kelly Wiglesworth of $1 million dollars by basing your vote to Richard Hatch on a random number guess. I have fought those demons and am now ready for you to ask me out anytime you want.

Those few souls on Manhattan who weren't watching "Survivor" last Wednesday might have been catching Colin Quinn at the Comedy Cellar. Those heathens were privy to a special appearance after Quinn's quite unfunny routine by standup deity Jerry Seinfeld. Jer mounted the stage with some funny, fresh material -- very few "Have you ever noticed....?" jokes -- though my sources in the audience commented that his "regular guy" persona seems a bit strained these days. Hmm, reminds me of Janeane Garafolo when she rolls out that "I'm an ugly, frumpy girl" stage persona of hers. It's simply no longer true! Jerry, you're practically a billionaire! Janeane, you're gorgeous!

There are big stars in the audience of these standup gigs, too; comedy lovers enjoying the work of Jay Mohr last week at Caroline's Comedy Club were noticeably disrupted by the loud cackling of Kevin Spacey and David Copperfield at the prime tables up front. Who even knew they were friends?

Artsy-minded filmgoers enjoying the Catherine Deneuve flick "Place Vendome" at the Paris Theatre last week also enjoyed the appearance of another blonde glamour queen. Moments before the film began, Morgan Fairchild emerged from the shadows, arm-in-arm with an excessively old gentleman. In what appeared to be the strangest plea for recognition yet, Morgan and oldie walked up and down the aisle looking for a seat, although the theater was mostly empty. Passing row after row of unfilled seats with a prime view of the screen, the pair circled the art house like vultures before finally nesting in seats they had passed at least twice! Morgan is currently appearing with "That's Incredible" superstar John Davidson in an off-Broadway comedy, "High Infidelity," but she had the day off to be seen on the art-film circuit. Spies say she looked fabulous, as in unnaturally fabulous.

I know, I know, more Ben-and-Matt news. So shoot me! Anyhoo, I was in fear that the duo had cooled off, especially as Ben's been chillin' in da crib with Vince Vaughn of late. But now, dear readers, the "Good Will Hunting" pair are as tight as ever. In fact, they were seen in Las Vegas a couple weekends ago enjoying an adventurous game of blackjack at a roped-off exclusive table. By themselves. No starlets. No booze. No drugs. Just chums. Boys, you're a 21 in my book!

And here's my reader sighting of the week. No, I take that back. Of the month!

"Gregoire, Richard Simmons was in Topeka, Kansas of all places, hosting a doll convention at the local Expocentre (a place that holds graduations, hockey games, car shows, and livestock -- what a classy joint). He wasn't wearing a jumpsuit or anything with sequins, but he was at the door hugging and kissing the "guests" at the viewing. Strange, strange stuff." -- Jade

God help us, does that mean there's a Richard Simmons doll out there?! What sort of child plays with that frightening collectable? Jade, thank you for providing a star sighting that has literally robbed me of valuable sleep!

And finally, Breakup Girl herself had a brush with fame. Make that a paintbrush with fame, as she sauntered into a Restoration Hardware and asked an employee for some help. Except that it wasn't an employee, but rather Ricki Lake, apparently looking at first as though she could have been of some help. Sadly, BG noticed that the girl has been, um, taking up more space and describes her as "glacial, as in cold, not as in big and slow-moving." Brrrrrr!

Until Ricki helps me find just the right drill bit for my Black and Decker,

Gregoire

Back to Main G-Spot | Next Date

[breakupgirl.net]
advice | comics | animation | personals | play
gossip | to do | guest | list | about us

Breakup Girl created by Lynn Harris & Chris Kalb
©2003 Just Friends Productions, Inc.