On prime time's newest television doctor drama, "City Of Angels," alarmed physicians removed a Golden Globe from the rectum of a famous patient who had unwisely chosen the statuette as a sexual toy. This past Sunday, a more hypothetical version of this very same act occured at the Golden Globe Awards, where actors both brilliant and undeserving were rewarded; monster egos (Meryl Streep, Barbra Streisand) were massaged; and the world was slapped into sobriety by the absolute tackiness of the Foreign Press Association's annual award-fest. I, naturally, was glued to the HoJo cocktail lounge television screen for the ceremony, the preshow, the pre-pre shows, and the pre-pre-pre shows. Who won what? Who cares? Does it really matter? Instead, I present to you ...

Gregoire's Golden Glossy Dossier On The Globes

The big winner of the 2000 Golden Globes wasn't "American Beauty" or "The Sopranos;" it was breasts. Never in the history of awards shows have I seen so many mammaries spilling from so many shocking, daring, and ghastly gowns. It's as if Hollywood were experiencing some unusual fabric shortage, and I wouldn't be surprised if a legion of actresses have colds or flus by morning after. My nominees for Breast Actress are:

Minnie Driver -- Did she have her backless dress on backwards? This striking actress was struck by something surreal, with a plunging neckline that proceeded to send her breasts in opposite directions. (By the way, did anybody notice how NBC would coincidentally show reaction shots of her and spurned ex-boy Matt Damon back-to-back, while only once showing Matt with his girlfriend, Winona Ryder?)

Camryn Manheim -- Swimming in a gown that looked like those of Xena, Warrior Princess, highlighting a bosom larger than the cast of "Spin City." People have given her props for being a "hefty" woman who's not afraid to look her size, and I approve of beautiful, full-figured (nay, even beautifully obese) women, but never in full body armor.

Debra Messing -- the "Will And Grace" star successfully pulled off an oddball, vertically-slashed chest opening that revealed her entire breast when she stood in profile.

Courtney Love -- We should have seen her outrageousness coming by looking at her dress: a rag-like, tattered number that looked as though an angry puma had nested in her cleavage and ripped its way out. Fortunately, she was glued into the garment, as she neatly popped right out while teasing Phil Collins on stage.

Chloe Sevigny - Instead of a gown, Chloe opted to find some pieces of old 1960s couch fabric and drape it pell-mell over her body, leaving a heaving chasm for her breasts to fly out at any given moment. Maybe boys do cry!

Other, less chest-obsessed fashion missteps include ....

Halle Berry -- Can the truly beautiful ever really go wrong? Globe winner Berry proved the affirmative in a gaudy gown inspired by trapeze artists the Flying Wallendas.

Peter Fonda -- A twofold tragedy. First, he beat the likes of Sean P. Hayes and David Spade in the Best Supporting Actor television category, with his performance in a minuscule, undemanding role in a telefilm nobody really watched. Secondly, he wore some odd, designer glasses that looked like he was either going to a rave or about to weld something very delicate. Horrific!

Ben Affleck -- At past award shows, the boy either looks like a freshly scrubbed Adonis or a frumpy, unkempt frat reject, and at this year's Globes, he achieved the latter description. (Of course, he has a way to go before achieving the look of one producer who won for "RKO 261." It was one of his greatest moments, and his shirt was completely untucked. So what does he do? Onstage, he tucks his hand in his pants. Ten feet from Barbra!) Ben's ex Gwyneth Paltrow also underperformed in a slip of a blouse and some bland brown locks, though she didn't really look bad, just a tad boring. Matt Damon, however, was scandalously adorable.

Lara Flynn Boyle -- I'm sorry, I know she was trying to go "over the top" in her sequined Bob Seger tee shirt, presumably designed by Stella McCartney. She's got guts, but when everybody else is in formal wear, doesn't it look a little sad to dress like a roadie?

Best dressed? I vote for Sarah Jessica Parker, whose flawless hair, understated gown, and goofy acceptance speech for her "Sex And The City" win were among my favorite parts of the evening. Runner-ups were the gorgeous Hilary Swank, whose spunky short 'do looked great with that dark, definitely-not-a-boy gown, and Claudia Schiffer, who really is the most beautiful example of Eurotrash in the world. (Her viper-red gown was highlighted by that certain glow her eyes. What glow? Well, she quickly jumped into an engagement last week with new boyfriend, Tim Jeffries. David Copper-who?) Among the men, I'll give the best dressed prize to the Lowe boys: the still-youthful-looking Rob Lowe and his brother, Hilary's hubby, Chad Lowe, who looks both gay and sixteen years old at the same time, but nobody's holding that against him.

The Hurricanes

Believe it or not, the Golden Globes aren't really about clothes and awards, but rather about embarrassing celebrity behavior. As you know, the audience is actually served food and booze during the ceremony, and oftentimes, a star or two will down too many glasses of their favorite spirits. In past years, the honor of most drunk celebrity has always gone to Gillian Anderson, whose tiny frame can never quite handle the combination of free booze and wild glamour. As Gillian was absent this year, this year's booze-hound award goes to ...

Winona Ryder, lush queen!

Sitting with a boyfriend who's actually prettier than you must take its toll as, by the end of the ceremony, Winona was so wasted she could barely present the award for Best Musical Or Comedy. On stage, she giggled uncontrollably apparently at something Matt was doing (like, maybe ignoring her). Later, as Matt's name was being read for Best Dramatic Actor for his role in "The Talented Mr. Ripley," Winona repeatedly punched his arm from off-screen and was met with an uncomfortable half-smile by her embarrassed boyfriend. Lush runner-ups: Julia Roberts, who practically had bubbles coming out of her enormous bass mouth while presenting an award; and Harrison Ford, who, according to his slurred speech announced the nominees for "the bitch motion picture drama."

Booze may or may not have had something to do with the odd behavior exhibited by these celebs: Angelina Jolie, dressed like a 50-year-old soap opera actress with a strange gray coiffure and lips rivaled only by Melanie Griffith, Hilary Swank and Matt Damon, ran up to accept her Best Supporting Actress film honor and brought along her smug brother, who actually seemed to act like he belonged there. Anjelina claimed she wanted her brother "to see the view" from the podium, but my guess is that Angie is as nuts as the character she plays in "Girl, Interrupted." I thought it would have been hysterical if every winner brought up Angelina's brother to accept their prize. "He just had to see the view from up here!" screams Jack Lemmon. "I love Angelina's brother!" sez Tom Cruise. Even Barbra Streisand could have brought him up!

Audience reaction to Michael J. Fox: If either Ray Romano or Eric McCormack "suddenly" get leprosy or something next year, blame it on Mike Fox. Hot on the heels of announcing his departure from "Spin City" due to Parkinson's Disease, Fox won the Best Actor in a TV Comedy prize and received a long, tedious ovation. Personally, M.J. is a huge star of comedy who deserves standing-O's all the time (I had a mild crush on Alex P. Keaton; sorry) not just when he gets sick.

Jim Carrey -- Proclaiming himself "the Tom Hanks of the Golden Globes," Carrey assured that he would never accept another award with an uncomfortably vain, bad-joke strewn acceptance speech. He also noted that when Courtney Love leaves the room, there'll be a "personality vacuum."

Courtney Love -- Inching ever closer to becoming Anna Nicole Smith, Love made a fool of herself by premeditating her "subversive" outburst of the REM song from "Man In The Moon" that failed to get nominated. Then, when winner Phil Collins went to accept the award, Court refused to give it to him. Now, I'm no big Phil fan, but he should have taken that award and smacked her with it.

Jennifer Love Hewitt and LL Cool J -- Both looked fabu, of course, but should probably not have been given the honor of presenting Best Original Score. After screwing up the name of Ennio Morricone (who, for the record, is the greatest and most influential living score composer in the world), Jen then loudly inquired, "Are they here? Are they here?!"

And, of course, there was no explanation for that spooky "Mambo No. 5" Golden Globes entrance theme, or why the TelePrompTer failed to work during Shirley Maclaine's introduction of Barbra, or why Pedro Amaldovar felt he needed to be this year's Roberto Benigni and ramble on uninterrupted in broken English, or why Susan Lucci's daughter was named Miss Golden Globes. (Ironically, Little Lucci held more awards in one night than her mother will in an entire lifetime!)

There were a few other surreal, metaphysical parallels to the Golden Globe ceremony, all involving Tom Cruise ...

Tom's Trip To The Globes

-- While being interviewed by living Barbie dolls on NBC's pre-non-Joan-Rivers show, Tom was randomly and uncomfortably paired with Sean P. Hayes from "Will And Grace." America, for one moment, saw Tom next to television's most recognizable gay character.

-- Tom was smiling as he got out of his limousine with his wife Nicole, except that Nicole had dyed her hair brown and looked a little nervous. Had Tom just told her some secret involving Sean? Why, no! It seems the woman in question was not Nicole but Nicole's sister. She probably had NOTHING to say to him. I'd be nervous, too.

-- Tom won the Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actor for his performance in "Magnolia," and in doing so beat Haley Joel Osment, who was nominated for "The Sixth Sense." An angered Osment jumped up from his seat, pointed to Tom and screamed, "I see dead people!" (Actually, he didn't do that. He probably just sat in his seat and cried.)

-- For some odd reason, the producers of the Globes kept showing Tom's reaction what Barbra was saying during her lifetime achievement award acceptance speech. Is Tom a huge Barbra Striesand fan? Could that have been what he was telling Nicole's sister in the limo? Is that what he and Sean P. Hayes were talking about?

My Globe report ran longer than expected, kids, so I'll have my celebrity Web site report for you next week. Plus, I have the answer to these questions: Why did Posh Spice call Naomi Campbell a "complete cow"? And is Anna Nicole Smith a big, crazy lesbian?

Until Courtney Love is house-trained,
Gregoire

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