I'm in a quanadry, dear readers, as how to celebrate the entrance of yet another glorious millennium. You see, I was planning on spending it right here, at the Times Squares Howard Johnson's, enjoying my cheese fries and martinis with scores of other glamorous partiers. Yet with talk of terrorist activity -- not to mention HoJo's spiked-up holiday menu -- I'm not sure complacency is a wise option. On top of that, Sean "Puffy" Combs and his saucy sweetheart Jennifer Lopez have just been called in for questioning in regards to a Sunday night shooting at a nightclub right around the corner! Three people were serioiusly injured, and the gun was found in Puffum's car. I mean, what if they come in for a quick bite to eat? Puffy may want to take out the fury of his disappointing album sales and hollow, ephemeral fame on unsuspecting HoJo revelers! Is there no place safe enough to drink yourself into a comatose state?!

Merry Christmas, Now Get Out

What did Michael Douglas give Catherine Zeta-Jones for Christmas? From all appearances, it looks like walking papers, all tied up in a big red bow! The Welsh hottie weighed a few pounds -- or shall we say carats?! -- less as she headed to London for the holidays sans one basic item bought for her by the spindly, middle-aged star of "Basic Instinct." While London sightings confirm that she doesn't need expensive rocks to look gorgeous, she's given no reason for the sudden return home, especially since Mike is currently spending the holidays here in the city. Most interesting are comments made by Cathy's grandmother, not because she's particularly profound, but rather that her grandmother is named Zeta Jones, originator of Cathy's nom de plume. Thank God I opted not to take similar directions in my moniker selection, as in retrospect Gregoire Opal-Millard sounds positively ghastly.

Courtney "True" Love?

That wascally l'il woppet Courtney Love has been seen with a rather unlikely boytoy, suit-and-tie Geffen music exec Jim Barber, who looks more like Love's accountant than anything else. She popped into the "Man In The Moon" premiere a couple weeks ago with the banker-ish boyfriend in tow, and now she's claiming to the press that "I might get married to this one if he ever gets his divorce." That's just marvelous! How fitting is it at decade's end that the former wife of grunge music's greatest martyr is flitting about with executives and wearing couture? Burn your flannel shirts, people, the revolution is over.

Love was not on Marilyn Manson's Christmas card list this year, at least judging from comments the gaunt, churlish rock star made on his website regarding his recent tour mate. Calling Love a "alleged 'former' drug-addict singer," he blasts comments she made to Howard Stern, saying that Hole was chosen as the closing act of a concert festival because "it is the least-wanted slot, because most people are leaving the festival by that point." He also equates her with Yoko Ono -- which seems moderately fitting to me -- and alludes to similarity to their vocal talents. Mary then goes on to attack Christina Ricci, who's also unkindly mentioned him in interviews, saying he enjoyed watching her being abused by Vincent Gallo in the recent art-film debacle "Buffalo 66." I'd say that that comment got Mr. Manson Christmas cards from a variety of women's organizations!

He Shoots, He Sklars!

I'd be remiss -- but only slightly -- if I failed to report the surprise marriage of the week between goofy funnyman Jerry Seinfeld and former adultress Jessica Sklar. The East Village Jewish ceremony was attended by a select (read: uncelebrity-like) studio audience, who enjoyed cake and no masturbation jokes during the entire ceremony. The funny, though surreal, George Wallace served as best man, who upon leaving seemed both thrilled for the married couple and glad the damn thing was over. I wish Jer and Jes the best in their partnership, despite a jaded, skeptical press that assumes the two will break up within days. So cruel! I give it two years.

Sightings "On The Six"

Just a couple days before Christmas -- and the traditional ceremony of hanging around shoot-outs in New York discotheques -- Jennifer Lopez was spotted sashaying into the building housing the offices of her beau. According to onlookers, Jenny was absolutely resplendent (actually, the phrase used was "fierce") in a new mink coat, armed with a million shopping bags and without a drop of makeup. Since even I can't leave my apartment without something on my face, I find this hard to believe.

Our very own Paul the Intern also had a celebrity run-in with "Sex And The City" actress Cynthia Nixon. Actually, "unintentional stalking" seems more like it! According to Paul (and I have to paraphrase him, as he writes as eloquently as I), he sees the pert redhead in a smart vintage ensemble on the subway and remembers she was "the maid in the movie Amadeus." "Anyway," says Paul, "I tell her that I thought she was great in that movie and she seemed appreciative that she was recognized." They part, and both are pleased. Days later, Paul walks with a friend and begins to tell the story of seeing Nixon -- "You know, the one in Amadeus" -- when suddenly the woman in from them turns around in amazement. In what can only be described as a classic "New York moment," it was Nixon herself, once again, who thinks Paul is telling the story because she's in front of him. "As God is my witness, I had no idea she was there. I felt like a stalker." Nixon, however, thought the moment was quite funny. Not sure she would have felt the same way about Paul's later comments to BG and me (which also prove his innocence): "The one time I TRIED to watch her show, I found it to be so f---ing dreadful that I turned it off." The women of pay-cable do not agree!

No Wire Hangers, 90s Style

Maybe it's the anxiousness of the holidays, but some seriously sedate actresses have recently been exhibiting some Whitney Houston-style diva behavior. First comes word of Ally Sheedy's hasty exit from playing the sex-crossed lead of "Hedwig And The Angry Inch," the off-Broadway hit show which received its first scathing notices once the actress hit the boards as the German transexual lead character. Producers and press people are mum as to any controversy, though Ally left before her contract was up, and ticket sales have been down, possibly because, I don't know, she can't really sing or do a German accent. Matt McGrath from "Boys Don't Cry" assumes the role in January.

The normally demure Winona Ryder has reported turned a stubborn streak on the set of her recently completed film "Autumn In New York." Her character in the film is supposed to ice skate in a pivotal scene, but Ryder didn't know how to ice skate, nor was she remotely interested in learning. So what did the director do, reports a crew member? She was pulled around on a sled for close-up shots and a stand-in was used for wide shots. I guess we won't be seeing Winona in any "Mighty Duck" movies anytime soon.

And even Jodie Foster's getting into the act, with hair and makeup bills from her recent 60 Minutes interview amounting to a whopping $12,000! CBS refused to pay, though everyone is being typically quiet about the scandalous pricetag. Frankly, I get my haircut for $5 and 60 Minutes has never given me any problems.

Resolutions Of The Rich And Famous

Oh, I may be privy into intimate lives of the stars, but some things remain a mystery even to me. Such as how many bottles of champagne each will drink this New Year's Eve, or what their resolutions for the upcoming year will be. Below are some resolutions the indicated stars should consider, with my prediction in parentheses as to the amount of champagne each will imbibe:

Jennifer Aniston, The Hairstyle, should resolve something with curls, maybe crimping. (half a bottle, shared with Brad Pitt)

Robin Williams should resolve to fly off the face of our planet and live on Mars, or at least to give up the outsider-with-a-heart-of-gold-who-teaches- everyone-something-about-acceptance roles and play a horrifyingly effective pedophile. (none, though he will get everybody around him punch-drunk with his wacky antics)

The Backstreet Boys should resolve to make a meaningful, artistic album so it will remain unsold and they can return to Florida and their jobs as Disney employees. (8 bottles)

Lisa Kudrow should resolve to leave "Friends" (the rumor circulating Hollywood, incidentally) and become the full-time movie star we want her to be, even though everything will always seem a derivation of Phoebe. (none, but she may finish off the Stoli)

Ricky Martin should resolve to be open and up ont about himself. And you KNOW what I mean. (8 bottles, in South Beach)

The Notorious B.I.G. should resolve to stay dead throughout the entire year. (none, though innumerable drunk in his name)

Stephen Spielberg should resolve to buy a country (two, with Kate Capshaw, in a bed of money)

Winona Ryder should resolve to get involved in some more kooky behavior like the ice-skating thing, so that we all still know she's alive and breathing. (one with Matt, two by herself)

Matt Damon should resolve to become, in general, "meatier" (one with Winona, five with Ben Affleck)

Absurd Celebrity Quote Of The Year

After pouring over every major entertainment magazine released this year, I can safely say the most ridiculous, most absurd, and yet most absolutely right quotation from a celebrity comes from Entertainment Weekly:

"It's just this person 'Gwyneth Paltrow'. I don't even know who she is. I don't like her and I don't give a s---." -- Gwyneth Paltrow, on Gwyneth Paltrow

Gregoire thinks you're being awfully hard on your split personality, baby, but what does he know? It's just this person, Gregoire. I don't even know who he is. I don't like him and, oh I give up, I LOVE him.

Happy Death!

And, finally, my Dead List for the year 2000. Feel free to steal for your own traditional Dead List gatherings:

1. Ronald Reagan
2. Walter Matthau
3. Gloria Stuart
4. Bob Hope
5. Bob Hope's wife
6. Sean "Puffy" Combs (he's certainly put himself in the line of fire often enough....)
7. Kirk Douglas
8. Kirk Cameron
9. Jack Klugman
10. Liza Minnelli (I always put her on, but secretly hoping she'll stay with us)

Happy New Millennium, loves; if the HoJo's around next week, so too, shall be I,
Gregoire

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