Sometimes having thousands of girls want to rip your clothes off just isn't enough. As I and the members of popular boy bands know, even the adoration of female multitudes sometimes stops short of satisfying the cravings unfulfilled by a lonely, desolate pop-music soul. Unable to hold back much longer -- and sensing a public outing by the tabloids -- two members of popular international boy bands have come out of the closet ... and they're in love!

Is this a flashback to our deliciously controversial gay 'N Sync/Backstreet Boys speculation from a few weeks ago, where I offhandedly implied that one member from each group would fall in love with each other? Seems like the sentiment was right, but I selected the wrong boy bands. Stephen Gately, the hunky pin-up from Boyzone, has come barrelling out of the closet to proclaim his love for a member of the Dutch boy band Caught In The Act. (Boyzone? Caught In The Act? Let the lewd jokes begin!) Apparently, a former employee of Boyzone was ready to spill the beans to U.K.'s notoriously sleazy tabloids, so Stevie decided to make the proclamation himself.

The effect on girls everywhere has been devastating. Reports are pouring in of teens ripping down posters, screaming "How could you do this!?" only to realize, thirty minutes later, that it would be really ultra-cool to have a gay best friend like Steve. As Boyzone had yet to make a substantial splash here in the states -- they're HUGE in England -- few girls in the states have been affected. But it does provoke the question, "Could this kind of tragedy happen here?"

You think I'm exaggerating things, as I'm wont to do? Take this letter from a dear reader of mine and conclude for yourself: "You're probably only suggesting they're gay b/c you want to get with them." Really! "And another thing, at their young age, they'll probably make more money than you will in your lifetime! And don't go insulting me as some 12 year old teeny bopper who has no life and sits around in an NSYNC T-shirt all day watching their Video, b/c I'm not. I'm 16, a Varsity Cheerleader, have a boyfriend, and a wardrobe." Oh, the denial!

Counselors are standing by, girls are crossing their fingers, and I'm slowly lifting my martini, poised to whisper, "I told you so..."

Now onto items of a strictly hetero variety ...

Berry Single

One of the most beautiful women in Hollywood -- Halle Berry -- can't get a date. She tells The Daily News that she finds it difficult to find a good man and that now her only requirement be that they're straight. "I can work with whatever you've got," she adds. To all the men reading this, shame on you! What are you doing letting a good woman like this go by? Now, I usually don't like to play matchmaker, but boys, come and get 'er! Send your picture and proposal of marriage to the Halle Berry Fan Club , 8721 Sunset Blvd. Suite 205 ,Los Angeles, CA 90069, or email LKNAFC@aol.com at the National Associations of Fan Clubs. And let her know I sent you!

He Tarzan

Phil Collins, the 48 year old aging rocker currently flying high with the "Tarzan" soundtrack (the only reason I'm not rushing to see it, actually), has left his wife to get hitched to a Swedish woman half his age. The 26 year old bride is certainly old enough to remember the song "Sussudio;" even so, she is still attracted to him, and they are reportedly crazily in love. I'm sure they'll be in for a lifetime of happiness...against all odds!

Channelling Romance

Not that you should be watching TV during the summer, but those spending their sunny days watching reruns will be heartened by the news that two big NBC shows are planning some shocking love twists for their fall seasons. Jane Leeves, the annoying British housekeeper on "Frasier," has told the press that she and Niles Crane will finally be getting together after an exhaustingly long flirtation. Meanwhile, Eric McCormack, who plays the gay one on "Will & Grace," says that his character will finally date and kiss, the first male-to-male kiss on network TV (not counting Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd).

Blind Item

A handsome young buck currently starring on a huge teen drama series recently crossed over networks -- if not genders -- to have a clandestine affair with one of the bigger network's most popular ensemble comedy stars! Given some of the comedian's recent problems and his benignly effeminate public behavior recently, he better not let this leak out, or the tabloids -- not just the British ones! -- will out him in a flash.

Sightings

Think movie stars all go to exclusive movie premieres or get all new films on video tape to watch in the privacy of their own little mansions? Then why was Claudia Shaeffer seen exiting a midtown showing of "Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me" with her dorky magician beau David Copperfield in tow? Claudie looked a little dressed down but gorgeous; her boyfriend was -- surprise! -- wearing black.

A spy reports seeing Claire Danes and Winona Ryder together at a downtown New York club, orally exchanging Skittles with each other. Before you jump on the bisexual bandwagon, may I remind you that these two party girls aren't known for insane public behavior and were probably just goofing around. Personally, I prefer M&Ms from the lips of Liv Tyler anyway!

Those intrigued by last week's Liam Neeson urinal sighting will undoubtedly enjoy this star happenstance. Back uptown, a spy and his family were dining at the Stage Deli (for whatever reason, ick!) when in popped Scott Wolf (his little Marine, as he calls it, saluting in tight jeans), joined by three other gentlemen, "one who looked like he could be his brother, but didn't quite get as lucky at the gene pool as Scott." Anyway Scotty went straight for the loo which, at the Stage, is quite unprivate, with certain diners being able to get a glimpse of the "Party Of Five" actor quite unbeknownst to him. No sizings, I'm afraid; as he refers to it as "the Marine," I'm afraid I have a don't ask-don't tell policy!

An eagle-eyed spy and her brother were chowing at an exclusive New York eaterie when a woman swathed in black walked in. Fearing this woman was a street urchin, my source hid her bags under the table next to them, for fear the person might begin rummaging through them. Forgetting about this person, my spy later saw her in the corner, san sunglasses, hunched seriously over a salad. From this angle, it was easy to recognize noneother than ex-wastoid Liza Minelli!

On the anti-Liza end of the star spectrum were the sports heroes and TV celebs that regrouped for the Bing Crosby Celebrity Invitational Golf Tournament in Winston-Salem. (Look, I'm an equal opportunity star sighter! Not everybody hangs out in New York nightclubs!) Spotted betwixt strokes were: Stephen Root ("NewsRadio"), Richard Kind ("Spin City") and Joe Montana,who I think is from "My Two Dads."

Just as I was preparing to file this week's column, I received a call from Breakup Girl on the BG mobile communications device. "Stop the presses!" she said. "I always wanted to say that!" She went on to tell me that she was dining late-night at the West Bank Cafe on 42nd -- after seeing the superb Associates (one week left!) -- and that she and her companion Andy were sitting right across from none other than Calista Flockhart, who is currently starring in "Bash" around the corner. "I've solved the mystery!" BG gasped of Salad McBeal, who, she reported, attempted to eat an entire plate of plain lettuce with her hands. "She has too many people coming up to her -- friends and fans -- and she's nice to them all! She doesn't eat because she can't! She can't get a bite in edgewise!" So leave Calisteeny alone in person, you all, and then maybe we'll be able to leave her alone in the press.

Gregoire Etiquette

I love opening fan mail here at the HoJo, and as I now receive a mountain of mail (adoration, complaints, star sightings, threats to cut me off) from you adorable readers, I thought I should lay down a few rules

1. Don't send me requests for love advice -- Indeed, what kind of advice could a drunken, lonely gossip columnist provide you? So many of you have sent me truly important inquiries of a romantic nature, and although I do forward them on to BG, it's much better if you send them to her directly. Unless, of course, you're a celebrity, and in that case, don't bother to write. Just come on down to the HoJo, where heartbroken stars receive a discount at the bar and free cheese fries.

2. Don't blind-item the gossip -- I just received a very intriguing star sighting involving the drunken antics of an out-of-control supermodel. Except the sighting was written in blind-item-ese, as in "what super hot model was seen...." That's my job! I can't run anything if I don't know about it. Trust me, if its libelous, I'll blind it! No need to take that step for me.

3. See through the satire before responding -- I'll admit my witticisms are occasionally obtuse, but don't attack me just for being subtle. A reader, um, bit my head off ("fava beans, a nice Chianti," etc.) implying Calista Flockhart wasn't anorexic and lambasting me for making fun of Sharon Stone's weight, when the point being made was that it was foolish to pick on either of these flaws in the first place. (And besides, is it more acceptable to chide Calista for being too thin than it is Sharon for being less thin?)

Remember last week's call for "My Own Private Celebrity" letters, in which I asked you to write about some extremely obscure celebrity whom you fancy? Well, I'll present them to you next week, and boy are there some real freaks out there. Need proof? So far, about a fourth of the letters derive from "X-Files" guest appearances!

Until Will Smith actually uses music that he recorded,
Gregoire

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