There's no word more tired these days than the title "Diva." When Brandy and LeAnn Rimes are referred to as divas on VH1 and stars like Dolly Parton and Cher have hung their very last career hopes on the word, you know it's time to check it into the mortuary which houses the likes of "yuppie," "grunge," and "Soleil Moon-Frye." Time to check it in, that is, until the end of this column, which is devoted to those diva-nated stars and their unruly behaviors.

You Don't Bring Me Flowers (And Rugs And Antiques....)

If you truly judged every woman referred to as a "diva" by the strict definition of the word -- a female operatic star -- why, none of them would pass muster! (The same goes with DIVA as in "digital video applications." Doesn't sound like Jennifer Lopez to me!) With the possible exception of Jessye Norman -- who's so outlandish in behavior that her exploits draw international attention -- none of the actual divas are very newsworthy. Honestly, who cares whom Beverly Sills is dating? Using the modern definition, however, you'll come up with a host of celebrities, the top of the list being multitalented eccentric Barbra Streisand. Her latest kooky tantrum fit her transformation into faux rock star Chris Gaines ... I mean, her upcoming millennium concert at the MGM Grant Hotel in Las Vegas. With tickets priced at over $4 trillion dollars apiece -- no exaggeration, I bought four -- Streisand has apparently expressed so much concern that the show be flawless that she has requested perfection even in her dressing room. She is firmly requesting that the room be furnished with all of her most prized antiques, rugs, and furniture from her home in LA (to give a "homey" feel).

Furthermore, Babs is looking into tearing up some seats in the auditorium and re-insulating certain areas to improve the sound (this in a room that she doesn't own, in a space in which some of the greatest entertainers of the century have already performed). And all this for one single performance. Imagine if she were performing for a full month. She'd be asking for child sacrifices and full eclipses!

What's Love Got To Do With It?

How do you top this in the diva department? Well, why laugh in the face of death? That's what Tina Turner has done. The Post reports that Ike's ex-private dancer has opted to enjoy the fine wines and scenic vistas of the south of France instead of attending the funeral of her mother, Zelma, who died last week and was buried on Wednesday. She had plane tickets and certainly meant to go to the final tribute to the woman who bore her, but apparently was unable to pull herself away from the delicious croissants and exotic coffees that the country has to offer.

Of course, Ike and son Ronny showed up to pay their respects. Not only did Ike manage not to hit anybody, throw furniture through plate glass windows, or do incredible amounts of cocaine (as was his forte in the early days), he also actually organized the event and helped drive some of Zelma's old lady friends to the ceremony. He was also visibly upset that the woman who put his pin on the cultural map was not in attendance.

Does this mean that Ms. Tina was unconcerned with the passing of this, um, somewhat important woman in her life? Judge for yourself. She has a new song on her upcoming album called, "Talk From The Heart," which is dedicated to her mom. Yet, as soon as mom had grooved her last groove, Tina booted her sister -- who was still living at home -- out of the spacious $1 million mansion and instantly put the house up for sale. A peculiar way of grieving, or is Tina going waaaaay beyond Thunderdome with these antics?

Absence Of Ally

Ally Sheedy, a sub-diva until recently, is currently starring as a German transsexual rock-star in the off-Broadway smash, "Hedwig And The Angry Inch," and, like Tina, she also has a problem showing up. Previous Hedwigs have all been men -- as the lead character is a castrated, non-breasted individual, it does seem easier -- though creator John Cameron Mitchell personally chose Sheedy because he was interested in shaking up the role. And shaking it up she is! It's like casting Yoko Ono in "South Pacific!" Though a talented actress, Ally is entirely inappropriate and sounds like the lead singer of a skank-rock bar band. The night I saw the show, the crowd was polite at best and, at times, hostile to her rendition of the show's fantastic rock tunes. Perhaps this is why Ally has been frequently absent from the show and has even missed an entire week of performances, allowing part-time Hedwig (at matinees) and understudy, Donovan Leitch (singer of the group Nancyboy, which makes a perfect fit for this role), to perform in many more shows than he expected.

Producers are afraid Liza Minelli will pull an Ally (or, rather, Ally's pulling a Liza already, so they're afraid Liza will pull a Liza...oh, whatever) when she launches a one-woman show featuring the songs of her dead mother (whose funeral Liza did attend), Judy Garland, in December. After a recent disastrous performance at the reopening of Radio City Music Hall, everyone's crossing their fingers to see if Liza will actually deliver one coherent show, much less a month of them. If she's exhausted, maybe she can try what Carol Burnett is doing at her new Broadway show, "Putting It Together." On Wednesday matinees, she's sitting out and letting somebody else sing the part, that somebody being Kathie Lee Gifford. Before Kathie became a megalomanical child enslaver, she was the voice of "Name That Tune" in the 1970s, so it will be great to hear her sing Sondheim. On a side note, what do you think the possibility is of Cody Gifford growing up gay? Like, maybe, 100%?

Gwen In Rome, Do As Gwyneth Does

Though Gwyneth Paltrow does not in any way deserve the legendary kitsch respect emanating from the phrase "diva," she will occasionally act like she does. Maybe it's the company she keeps. The Daily News reported that the Oscar-winning princess recently showed up at a Details party with new boyfriend, Guy Oseary, legit diva Madonna, and lesbian club-owner Ingrid Casares, and that the quartet bulldozed the affair with a sort of military glamour. You see, as there was no VIP section -- it's Details, I'm sure the editors were claiming, we're all VIP -- so they were forced, simply forced! to surround themselves with bodyguards the entire night, especially in front of the stage during a performance by Moby. The main portion of the dance floor was now filled with surly bodyguards, so the crowd -- which included Gabriel Byrne and Judd Nelson -- was blocked from dancing near the stage. And I'm sure Moby wasn't pleased either! (Side note: you will never meet a sweeter man than Moby. When you're as mega-vegan as he, you don't have the strength to be rude!) To offset these moments of imperious behavior, Gwyndolyn made it known that the leather garb she wore in the high-profile first issue of Tina Brown's Talk Magazine was not her idea. Rather, as she claims in Premiere Magazine, it was "another thing Harvey's making me do." As in Harvey Weinstein, uberlord of Miramax Films, who has essentially made Miss Perfect what she is today. With the power Harvey wields, I, too, would put on a leather G-string and squawk like a chicken if he asked. If I did, I wonder if he'd produce a one-man show that I might one day be writing, just as flamboyant Entertainment Weekly editor Jess Cagle has somehow convinced hotshot Hollywood director Joel Schumacher to direct his upcoming one-man show, debuting next month in Soho. I wonder what he had to promise Joel in exchange for his services? (Jess' show will probably be marvelous, but let just be jealous and catty for one minute, all right?)

Turner For The Worst

Former-diva/now-has-been Kathleen Turner really has no more room to act like a deity anymore, yet she does with ballsy persistence. She was recently seen at a Pottery Barn uptown wearing a baseball cap with the word "Kathleen" boldly written on the front of it, in case we weren't aware. She selected her purchases and then had the employees deliver them to her apartment ... next door. Wouldn't want to break a nail, now would we? I interviewed her when I was a fledging journalist working for a small Midwestern college newspaper, and she gave me the hardest time over a question that she felt was improperly worded. She then proceeded not to answer the question, leaving me to run back to my seat in near-tears. Well, darling, now I know where you live, and I know you decorate in items from the Pottery Barn. Oh, I'm sorry. Did I almost drop that heavy, clay, flower pot on your foot? Honey, romance this stone! If I ever use the word, "diva" in a column again, you're all allowed to drop flower pots on my feet. Agreed?

Until Kathleen Turner's next job is as Barbra Streisand's maid,
Gregoire

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