A is for Apple, J is for Jerk!

At least that was the consensus last Wednesday at New York's Roseland concert venue, when angry rail-thin rock star Fiona Apple threw what could only be called a fruit-flavored hissy fit. Fans of the gaunt, pretentious (and, admittedly, extraordinarily talented) Apple were greeted with a baby-like tantrum and a barrage of curse words that would make even the residents of "South Park" blush. After a calm couple of numbers, Fiona began complaining about the sound in the legendary arena, proclaiming she couldn't hear herself in the onstage monitors. She then launched into a string of four-letter words and shouted, "This is so embarrassing!"

Meanwhile, onlookers (including Gwyneth Paltrow and "Magnolia" director Paul Thomas Anderson) observed that nothing was noticeably wrong with the sound. That didn't stop the stick-figure rock queen from running toward the VIP section to skewer the press, who were frantically taking notes of her immature reactions. "All you critics out there better not ****ing tear me apart or I'll ****ing kill you!" she haphazardly proclaimed, whipping around her Medusa-like locks and waving her arms in anger.

This went on, according to sources, for almost 45 most humiliating minutes, until the Big Apple decided to excuse herself from the stage to "work out the sound." She had no further sound difficulties, actually, because she never returned to the stage, leaving Gwyn, Paul, dozens of rock journalists and others in the lurch, still clutching their expensive ticket stubs. After a half-hour of confusion, a perturbed spokesperson came out to announce that she would not be returning to the stage. But, they promised, "She'll be back for another concert!" A comment which, according to my source there, was met by groans and under-the-breath name-calling.

Although a wonderful singer, Fiona needs to potty-train her mouth and grow out of her adolescent fits if she honestly expects people to support her music. I truly wish Gwyneth had jumped on that stage and given Ms. Apple a firm shake or possibly a rap on the head with her Oscar! I would have paid double the ticket price to see that!

Devil in a Green Dress

The Grammys are long gone, but the image of that horrific Versace dress/shower curtain draped very slightly on the exposed body of Jennifer Lopez remains emblazoned upon our memories. Though it barely clung to her form, it seems her image won't be escaping it for some time. In fact, Fox News anchor Lynn White will be performing as Ms. Lopez in a copy of the dress at a performance of political farcists Inner Circle.

In the performance, set for this Saturday, White's Lopez will be seen gallivanting playfully with a Bill Clinton impersonator. Interestingly, set to attend the performance will be Bill's wife Hillary -- who's certainly become unfazed to jokes aimed at her husband's lecherous activities -- and Hillary's Senate rival Rudy Giuliani, who'll be champing at the bit of this political jibe.

Speaking of the real Jenny, it's been hinted that a slew of new advertising deals are coming her way, and that she's quite anxious to escape from her L'Oreal contract, especially since she must share the limelight with hit-and-runner Halle Berry and other petty, er, pretty celebs. Expect a mascara-running fuss by the make-up company if Jen decides to bolt. She and her wicked boy toy Puff Daddio were seen last week dining at clich* celebrity hangout Spago in Los Angeles (I just don't get it; the place is a dump!) with Puff slipping on his sunglasses on the way to the bathroom. Gee, Puff, porcelain too bright for you?

Island in the Stream

Things are getting awfully crowded on the exotic isle of Majorca. First it was Mike Douglas and Cathy Zee-Jay preparing their impending marriage on the rich people's paradise. Now, equally photogenic Claudia Schiffer plans make the Spanish landmass her wedding destination. The Euro-blonde, who wants us all to forget that she once dated cheesy magician David Copperfield, will lawfully wed her fianc*e Tim Jeffries on May 20 in a small church on the island, a few months before the Douglas/Zeta-Jones ceremony. Also like Mike, Claudia will make Tim sign a pre-nuptial agreement, to protect her millions of dollars in modeling income. After dating a man who can make coins disappear in his ear, I can't blame her.

The Next Best Boy

During the past few weeks, I've been running odds on who will become the sperm donor for Madonna's upcoming child, lately putting Peter Berg and an Anonymous Italian Man (from an international sperm donation center) in the lead. However, it looks like third place Guy Ritchie makes a huge surge in popularity this week, rising from 8:1, to almost 3:1 odds! All this derived from a recent interview Madonna gave the London Mirror, in which she proclaims she's ready to marry her sometime boyfriend and film director.

Seems the two have been keeping their relationship on the down-low due to Guy's unique situation, in which he used to date the daughter of the producers of his smash film "Lock, Stock, And Two Smoking Barrels." Guy hasn't wished to create trouble with his old producers, though Madonna has kicked the door down during recent interviews for her new film, "The Next Best Thing," which is sizing up to be a real flop. In fact, the two made their first "official" appearance together at last week's Manhattan premiere of "Thing," and fought off gossip-ravenous reporters.

Will Madonna's premature exclamation force Guy to pop the questions? Indeed, has Madonna already asked him? Only one thing's for sure: Rosie O'Donnell must be extremely jealous.

Seen!

-- The fantabulous, Oscar-nominated Chloe Sevigny, dazzling as a butch lesbian in "If These Walls Could Speak 2," sure looked to be having a ball last weekend at hot East Village gay bar The Cock, enjoying the suggestive hosting of Velvet Mafia's cross-dressing lead singer Dean Johnson. In fact, Chloe's friends got so riled up that they jumped on the stage and began gyrating to the music. Later she was front row to a variety of clothes-shedding dancers, enjoying every moment.

-- Out in L.A., a lovely looking Cameron Diaz dropped into chic restaurant Naura's to wish her upcoming "Charlie's Angels" co-star Drew Barrymore a happy 25th birthday. Funny, but she looks so much older. I guess that's what a childhood of drinking will do to you!

-- In the grungier part of Laa-Laa Land, a few drunken celebrities toasted themselves to a Guinness World Record at the Viper Room, Johnny Depp's co-owned bar and death place for River Phoenix. Seems Guinness, the beer, was hosting the world's largest "simultaneous toast" at that same moment all over the world, and a few stars -- including Depp, David Boreanaz, Tori Spelling, Lukas Haas, Vince Vaughan, and Edward Furlong (wait, is he old enough to drink?) -- dropped in to participate. Glad to know Hollywood's brightest young stars are setting the proper example for their legions of fans!

Casting Couch

The past couple weeks have brought some controversial casting news on a few hotly anticipated projects, and I, being the opinionated, prying fool that I am, naturally must comment on these sometimes brilliant, oftentimes odd personnel choices:

Wes Bentley as Lestat in "The Vampire Lestat" - In a rare show of literate thinking over box office draw, Tom Cruise has been replaced as Anne Rice's hottest bloodsucker with "American Beauty" brooder Wes Bentley. I say Hollywood hasn't done this great a job at casting since John Malkovich was cast in "Being John Malkovich." Though Tom Cruise did an admirable job in "Interview with A Vampire," he was about as erotic as Count Chocula. Wes' smoldering dark looks and talents will make him a more convincing neckbiter. Bonus points: Wesley has said he would like the female lead for the new "Vampire" movie to be Cate Blanchett. Hell, I'd offer up a vein to either of these hotties!

Prognosis : Excellent! Now if only they'd recast the Brad Pitt part. (How about Jude Law?)

Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft in "Tomb Raider" - The "Girl Interrupted" is at the top of the list for this film version of the popular video game/teen wet dream. Though she's a bit too intense for such a literally byte-sized role, she at least physically fits the part. With those unnaturally over-sized lips and dramatic curves, she already looks a bit like a cartoon character!

Prognosis: Superb, though video game movies frequently suck. ("Super Mario Brothers," anyone?)

Renee Zellweger as Bridget Jones in "The Diary Of Bridget Jones" - The British tabloids are screaming at this latest Hollywood misstep, casting the popular insecure, somewhat frumpy English character with a perky, Jim Carrey-dating American. I've no doubt that Renee can mimic an acceptable middle-class British accent, but with so many more credible candidates for the part -- Kate Winslet, Minnie Driver, Toni Collette, even Gwyneth Paltrow! -- I sense an audience backlash.

Prognosis: "The Dire Bridget Jones," more like it.

Julianne Moore as Clarice Starling in "Hannibal" - Fabulous actress, great role, high profile film. One problem: if Jodie Foster -- who gleefully worked on such trash as "Maverick" -- turned down the part, then how can Julianne possibly be expected to fill her shoes? And anyway, in the book doesn't Clarice have to eat human brains? Does Julie really think this is an acceptable follow-up to her staggering work in "Magnolia" and "Map of the World"?

Prognosis: Hardly appetizing.

Charlie Sheen as Michael J. Fox (or his replacement anyway) in "Spin City" - Unless they plan to take this show into a completely sexy direction -- erotic tension between Charlie and co-star Heather Locklear -- I'd say the casting of Sheen will likely hurl this show into cancellation faster than you can say Alex P. Keaton. Fox is a television genius; Sheen is mostly known for his off-screen lechery. One possible salvation: a political crossover with "West Wing," where his dad plays the president.

Prognosis: Spinning Out Of Control

Wacky Celebrity Quotes of the Week

"It usually starts with some cleaning, like a bath. Us actors work hard, so when we come home, some cleaning has to be done."

-- David Duchovny, on his idea of a romantic evening

"My character is like Traci Lords and she's trying to get out of the porn biz. I do have a scene that's pure pornography, but it's just me alone. And a gerbil. I don't know if I should say that."

-- "Cybill" star Alicia Witt, to Stuff Magazine, describing an upcoming movie role

Tune in next week, dear readers, for a Very Special Episode of the G-Spot, where I give you the only comprehensive guide you'll ever need to host your very own Oscar Party. From the invites to the cleanup, I'll let you in on some of my most closely guarded secrets, including "What Oscar food goes well with 'The Green Mile'?" and "How can I entertain my guests during the Oscar tribute to director Andrzej Wadja?"

Until Fiona is committed,
Gregoire

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