"Stop your comic musings and give us gossip!"

So, I've been a little light on the insider info for the past couple weeks. Good Lord, can't a man take a vacation once in a while? But now that I'm rested up and firmly planted in my corner booth here at the HoJo, factoids have been flooding in. Some stuff was obvious, like Michael Jackson's termination of contract (i.e. divorce) from his wife of two years. But, honestly, I haven't cared for Michael since he caught his hair on fire during that Pepsi commercial! Claire Danes had a rowdy, wild party for her boyfriend, Ben Lee, at her swank SoHo loft, only a few blocks away from my own abode. However, since that little trollop failed to invite me, I hardly think it merits mention at all. (Now see if I return your Tupperware, sister!) Guests like Janeanne Garofolo and Michael Stipe were reportedly throwing water balloons onto the street. Sounds like a blast...if you're nine years old! And from the looks of Claire and Ben, I'd say they are! Of course, as you know readers, my favorite Ben isn't named Lee, so without further ado....

Ben-t

I haven't talked about Ben Affleck and Gwyneth Paltrow in over two months. (Forget the fact that they broke up half a year ago!) Gossip has Gwyneth secretly seeing powerful music executive Guy Oseary, sending the jealous Ben into a desperate attempt to win his former amour back; he even bought his Oscar-winning ex some expensive diamond earrings for her birthday. He may have been bundled in knots at last week's New York Film Festival premiere of his newest film "Dogma;" spies say he was disgruntled the entire evening, ignored reporters, and claimed that the photographers were bothering him.

Ben recently denied all but the earrings to the New York Post, but if you were acting like a desperate, obsessed dumpee, wouldn't you? I know for certain that Benny has not gotten over the porcelain-skinned star, nor should he've. Their topsy-turvy relationship was a billion times more fun than the current Matt Damon-Winona Ryder match-up, which has created about as much excitement as Melanie Griffith's newest collagen treatment. If it were that much fun for us, imagine being them! I would love it if Ben got all freaked out and started dating Gwyneth look-alikes. Oh what fun we'd have!

Stone Cold Busted

When Sharon Stone finds somebody she's working with on a film desirable or sexy, she reserves a hotel room, drops the individual a note, and tells them that it's "now or never" if they wish to bed the "Basic Instinct" actress. And not just extras, gaffers and best boys either; she's apparently done this to several of her costars. (Could they be Michael Douglas, Robert DeNiro, or Samuel L. Jackson perhaps?) This is all according to one of her lawyers who was quoted during a drunken New Year's Eve bash by her unauthorized biographer Frank Santello. That sounds patently ludicrous, but Santello has gotten one unusual vote of confidence from a Los Angeles courtroom. It seems a libel suit against Santello was called in his favor by a jury who believed that, although the statement itself might not have been correct, Santello did accurately quote the lawyer. On the stand, Stone herself even suggested that she would not have been surprised if the lawyer had really revealed such information. It's still uncertain if the damaging gossip is true, but if it were, I would only respect Sharon that much more!

Hair Raising

Maybe Cameron Diaz should shave her head, a la Sinead O'Connor. She's best known on film as styling her hair with a particular bodily fluid, though her real-life coifing habits are hardly an improvement. In fact, when she stopped in New York en route to a photo shoot in Paris, the Post reported that her hair was so badly dyed that it appeared "torched" (a horrifying description, especially since she's now a brunette)! The former blond was recoloring for her role in "Charlie's Angels," and it took a brave hairdresser to correct the catastrophe in time for her flight to Paris. When she pops up on the cover of Vanity Fair in a couple months, remember this tale and remark on the thoroughness of photo touchups.

Spacey Day

An observant source from LA sent me some info on Kevin Spacey's recent acquisition of a star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame. Seems Jack Lemmon, who has a star, and Ed Norton, who does not, showed up to praise the "American Beauty" patriarch. No Annette Benning, but then future first ladies don't attend these kind of events. Anyway, one-third of the Dreamworks godhead, Jeffrey Katzenberg, was spied there in the presence of several directors who had worked with the actor, who's as straight as a horny farmer, remember? As a matter of fact, Spacey mounted the podium himself and thanked his people, nodding in the direction of this so-called Diane that he's seeing but nobody seems to know much about. When the lighting is right, Hollywood Boulevard actually looks less sleazy than Coney Island, so I'm sure Spacey's surely straight beams of heterosexual stardom were dazzling the women on the street corners that day!

He wasn't dazzling a certain drag superstar -- who looks like a woman on a street corner -- when Spacey found out he would be interviewed by leggy, clownish diva RuPaul on a Florida radio station last week. Upon hearing that the "Supermodel" songstress would be throwing him questions -- many, presumably, related to his assertion of heterosexuality -- he stomped out of the studio and would not return, even when the deejay ran into the parking lot after him. Gee, Kev, scared of a little bitty drag queen?

Sightings

I was briskly racing down Seventh Avenue in Chelsea and almost knocked down former designer Issac Mizrahi who was looking, as always, forlorn. Perhaps it was because his 'do had been unusually styled so that it looked like he had a crown of hair?

Peta Wilson, the sizzling star of "La Femme Nikita," was spotted on Madison Avenue loaded up with shopping bags of new shoes. Lovely and approachable, though of course I didn't. La Femme With-feet-a?

One reader glanced the always delicious Jason Patric and Christy Turlington (looking "nice, like a normal girl") at a nondescript Santa Monica breakfast nook. My spy, with her boyfriend, actually sat in the still piping-warm seats of the just departed Patric and Turlington. Boyfriend sat in Jason's seat; however, laments my source, "it didn't turn him into Jason...." Funny, I heard turning into Jason Patric was a common occurrence in Santa Monica.

The Sandra Bullock Game

Bored of the Kevin Bacon game? "Over" dead-celebrity lists? In an attempt to come up with an excuse for my friends to buy me dinner, I conjured up the idea of a new game based on the eventualities spurred on by celebrity gossip. For instance, I've been hearing talk for a year now that Sandra Bullock's star is quickly on the wane, despite the modestly acceptable performance of her recent films. Highlighting talk of her fall was a recent appearance on the Fox television show, "Action." In fact, she looked great on television, her personality fits the screen nicely, and there's already a buzz that the actress will soon turn to the small tube if and when her cinematic options fade.

But when? Gather some close friends and ask them when they believe will be the actual date Bullock will announce her new television development deal. November 2001? April 2006? Make the stakes pretty high. If your date passes and Sandra still hasn't said anything, then you owe your friends a free meal. Or if she announces a project, the friend closest to the announcement will get fed by all the other contestants.

Of course, given the possibility that this announcement might take years, I would suggest playing this with long-term friends; if somebody would like to play whom you don't think you'll talk to in six months, simply suggest a game of Scrabble or Operation instead. And keep the lists handy. It'll give you something to talk about at cocktail parties. "Todd here thinks Sandra's ready for the 2002 TV season. Me? I think she's got another five years!" Hell, you might even forget completely, but it's certain to make you feel smug and "with it" for a good time to come. And people will think, "They're betting on the demise of careers? How utterly wicked."

And you don't have to stop with Sandra. Other questions could include:

• What month and year will Ricky Martin officially come out of the closet?
• What member of which boy band will be the first to be arrested?
• What cast member of "Seventh Heaven" will be the first to be arrested?
• What will be the cumulative gross of Melanie Griffith's next three films?
• Who will Kevin Spacey invite to next year's Oscars: a girlfriend, his mother, or some hired bimbo (if hired bimbo, please indicate hair color and how much taller she'll be than Kev)?
• When will Leonardo DiCaprio check into a alcoholic's rehabilitation center?
• Which show will be canceled first: "Felicity," "Dawson's Creek" or "Charmed"...and...
• Which "Friends" cast member will have the least-grossing, least successful film career by the year 2003?

Come up with other questions on your own. The more cynical, jaded and otherwise cruel, the better!

Until the "torched Cameron" hairstyle sweeps the nation like a brushfire,
Gregoire

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