A Tale Of Two Weddings

Ever since they announced their engagement last New Year's Eve, Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones have hogged the gossip highway and backed up other newsworthy items for miles. I know that I, too, have inundated my dear readers with a flurry of trivial information on the couple and have sometimes had to forego scoop on the romances of other famous, red-hot couples -- like David Duchovny and Tea Leoni; Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman; and Clint Eastwood and Dina Ruiz. (Hmmm, let me sum up the year's gossip on these couples: oh, that's right, nothing has happened.)

The Cathy-Mike pairing has been so exciting to watch because it's just so completely freakish and disturbing -- so Hollywood. Of course, their road to wedded bliss has been blocked with minor annoyances -- criticisms of the May-December romance, prenuptial madness, new babies, etc.

As details of the glamorous, super-exclusive ceremony developed, nostalgia got the best of me and I couldn't help but think of another spectacular affair -- the wedding of my sister to a fishing-bait salesman in Springfield, MO. Of course, when two hearts fall in love, it doesn't matter if one of them has won an Oscar, but it sure helps! Below, a comparison...

The Zeta-Douglas Wedding

The lavish, two million dollar affair included a 40-man security team, hologram invitations and passes for the guests, and vows accompanied by $9,000 rings. (Zeta-Jones' was adorned with a Celtic symbol, possibly meaning "betrothed to the elder," and was purchased in a tiny town in Wales.) The golden finery of The Plaza was enhanced with green ivy and golden chandeliers draped in ropes of peach and pink roses. Tents in front of the legendary hotel greeted the stream of arriving limousines.

My Sister's Wedding

In the lavish fellowship hall of the Glad Tidings Assembly Of God Church, walls were decorated with streamers and fake flower arrangements -- almost $200 in crepe alone -- and the white fluorescent lighting was draped with paper wedding bells. My younger sister Jeri, in her mauve bridesmaid dress and punk make-up she refused to wash off, handed out photocopied programs to the arriving guests.

The Zeta-Douglas Wedding

Cathy and her bridesmaid were costumed in Christian Lacroix, which means the gowns were as subtle as circus tents. It's reported that she wore a tiara and not a traditional veil, and that her train was antique Chantilly lace, not that inferior modern kind. For the reception, Zeta-Jones-Douglas flung off the now-tired wedding gown for a more comfortable $250,000 David Emanuelle frock. Much later, she threw that off and put on something from the far more comfortable Jacklyn Smith K-Mart collection.

My Sister's Wedding

Tammy wore an enormous ring of white flowers in lieu of a veil, looking like a gigantic smoke ring. The bridesmaids wore mauve gowns that were bunched at the bottom. The men, yours truly included, wore white tuxedos with mauve cummerbunds. For the reception, the bride remained in her wedding dress, though the men who had cowboy boots were allowed to wear them. (Better to two-step, I suppose?) Much later, Tammy threw the dress off and put on something from the far more comfortable Jacklyn Smith collection. (No, really, this time I'm serious.)

The Zeta-Douglas Wedding

As there were only 250 guests, the real question was, who wasn't famous? SEEN: Jack Nicholson and Lara Flynn Boyle, Barbara Walters, Starr Jones, Goldie Hawn, Oliver Stone, Danny DeVito, Kenny G (I know...why?), Stephen Spielberg, Anthony Hopkins, Meg Ryan and Russell Crowe (who danced the night away), and Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt. Naturally, Mike's daddy Kirk Douglas was there, and his son Cameron was the best man. Granny Zeta also made the flight over from Wales with Cath's parents, Dai and Pat, and thirty other friends.

My Sister's Wedding

SEEN: Aunt Jeanie and Uncle Bruce, Grandma Tillie, Bob the Janitor, Roy (the recently outed preacher's son, making a scandalous appearance), various congregation members, and Brad Pitt (actually, just a friend of Brad's second cousin, but squint and who could tell it wasn't him?). I was there in all my white-tuxedoed glory (readers, you will never see these pictures), and Tammy's stepson Stevie was the ringbearer, showing his enthusiasm by tossing the ring onto the ground and throwing a tantrum during vows. Grandpa Jofrey couldn't make the flight in because the dog was sick.

The Zeta-Douglas Wedding

The pair sold the rights to the ceremony photographs to London-based OK! Magazine, which is like the National Enquirer with nicer fonts. That means that U.S. photographers had to stand outside in the cold with hundreds of fans, hoping for a glimpse of something exotic. OK! spent almost one million dollars to snap the event -- hey, that paid for the bridesmaid's dress, for sure -- and People is working to obtain the rights in the U.S.

My Sister's Wedding

A freelance Sears Family Portrait Studio employee took snapshots of the ceremony, with additional photography by Aunt Barbara's really-loud 1970s Polaroid.

The Zeta-Douglas Wedding

After the ceremony, the guests funneled into the Plaza Grand Ballroom were they were met with a lush Perrier-Jouet Champagne toast, scrumptious hors d'oeuvres, and a meal of lobster and lamb prepared by Donald Trump's chefs. (Those lucky to have attended the couple's rehearsal dinner went to the refurbished Russian Tea Room and some, including daddy Kirk, hit Elaine's afterwards.) Naturally, son Cameron served as deejay. Guests were encouraged to stay at the hotel for the evening. (Many, like Meg and Russell, did.) After the madness subsided, the couple went right up to the Presidential Suite and consummated their...oh, wait, they already did that! Hello, Dylan! Their suite came furnished with a sauna, a wine cellar, five bedrooms, five bathrooms, and free cable!

My Sister's Wedding

After the ceremony, the guests funneled into the next room where they were met with quiet prayer. Later, we ate a delicious smelling meal of roasted chicken, piping hot okra, and mashed potatoes, all catered by Boston Market. The deejay specialized in country love songs, and the dance floor swelled with loving couples! Afterwards, the happy couple retired to the Hilton where their suite also had free cable! Meanwhile, I retired to the Hilton cocktail lounge, missing my HoJo.

The Zeta-Douglas Wedding

It's Tuesday morning, and Cathy and Mike are still married!

My Sister's Wedding

Two children later, and my sister and her husband are still married! You see, why do you need to spend all of that money if you truly love each other? Care to take a bet as to which couple remains married ten years from now?

Ah, but let's wash our hands of this overexposed couple, shall we?

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