Thought the summer brought a drought of award shows? Wrong-o, my friends, this weekend MTV (which I choose to call BSTV, thanks to the proliferation of Britney Spears specials, but then, BSTV has two meanings, don't it?) unspooled its Movie Awards and Broadway (home of both MTV and my booth here at the HoJo) passed out its annual Tony Awards. I'll reveal more on the MTV shindig in a future column because I'd hate to reveal too much before the network broadcasts them this week (though let's just say Keanu Reeves has been vindicated, and Sarah Jessica Parker should think about putting on more, um, opaque evening wear). The Tony's were a star-studded affair, as celebs like Al Pacino, Christopher Walken, Kenneth Branaugh and Carol Burnett mingled a safe distance from the chorus boys and girls who actually comprise the Broadway shows being honored. Best dressed honors far and away belong to Bebe Neuwirth, who actually proved she can wear a non-black dress, and Matthew Broderick, who needs to help his wife Sarah shop for more tasteful slip dresses.

The show's a-star-is-born moment? The well-deserved win of the gorgeous Heather Headley from "Aida" over a category of musical veterans and the moonlighting film actress Toni Collette from "The Wild Party." As most of the winners seemed relatively uninterested in their awards -- admittedly, the Tony looks like something you'd win out of a gumball machine -- Heather's stunned acceptance speech was the toast of the town. Welcome to the upper echelon, Heather, and pull out that umbrella because this shower of awards is just beginning for you, m'dear.

The Spy Who Dumped Me

The cooldown of Hugh Grant and Liz Hurley (more on these two below) has apparently infected the entire celebrity microverse with a malevolent brand of breakup. Next up in Couple Court is the bubbly Heather Graham and her former indie darling, Edward Burns. Yes, it appears that this photogenic duo has also gone the way of the dodo; Heather's publicist confirmed this week that the two actually broke up last month though, apparently, "remain friends."

But how much do we really remain friends with those we've frequently canoodled with at Moomba, hmm? The two had been dating for two years and appeared virtually unable to unlock their lips in public. Poster children of public displays of affection -- behavior I only condone in beautiful, superpowerful couples, by the way -- Ed will apparently have to pursue his goal of becoming a virtual Kennedy all by himself. (As you remember, Ed's got an unusual fascination with real estate formerly owned by the toothy first family. In fact, he's in final stages to buy John F. Kennedy Jr.'s tragedy-laden Tribeca loft.) Heather, certainly reeling from this and her Best Actress loss at the MTV Movie Awards, must resort to finding solace in the fact that hundreds of thousands of boys download her nude portraits off the web daily. Those mourning this gorgeous coupling can get one final look-see when the film "Sidewalks Of New York" is released later this year. Like that awkward George Clooney Vogue cover -- the one where he's locked in an embrace with now ex-gal pal Celine Balitran -- the film was completed before the bust-up. Oops!

No Longer Mad About You

Despite what you might think, I do not delight in celebrity breakups. Sure, a little shakeup now and then is simply grand, but I'm not a complete cynic! For instance, I really, really wanted the marriage of Helen Hunt and Hank Azaria to reign through the ages like some small screen Bob and Dolores Hope; sadly, fate has a different plan for the pasty, Oscar-winning star and her kooky man. Sources close to the pair say that the hearth of home life has extinguished for the couple and that the pair are mulling separation possibilities. All because, apparently, Helen's been traveling all over the world for film shoots, while Hank remains at home. Hanky has denied any problems, and personally, I hope he's right and the two can patch everything up. If not, hello divorce court!

Adulterer In The Dark

Two weeks ago, I told you of the unusual situation at the Cannes Film Festival, in which the coveted Best Actress prize went to high-strung, pixie pop star Bjork for her work in the melodramatic new film by Lars Van Trier, "Dancer In The Dark." Well, it seems that Bjork has another new job in her midst: the other woman! Bjork has reportedly wooed the heart artist Matthew Barney away from his wife. Before we call Bjork a villianness, however, Matt and his wife were apparently on the outs anyway -- she called him "the evil Pied Piper" (whatever that means) in a magazine last year, according to the Daily News -- so he may simply have been susceptible to Bjork's Icelandic brand of comforting. Hopefully, he will include the thimble-sized songstress in some future video art projects of his. At this rate, I'm sure she'll scoop up awards for those, too!

Billy and Angie: Gone In 60 Seconds?

Apparently, reality has set in for Billy Bob Thornton. Rumors have swiftly circulated that he and his new bride Scandalina Jolie are already having some marital difficulties. Now that Angie's over in Europe filming "Tomb Raider" -- she's playing the overly buxom Lara Croft, if you'll remember -- Billy may have realized how truly disturbed his wedded beauty really is. Apparently, a spy at the Daily News reported seeing her emerge from the dusty-leather smelling entrance of New York's premier S&M establishment, the Hellfire Club, during a stopover a few weeks ago. (Oh, readers, had I delectation for the more violent sexual arts, imagine the star sightings I could report to you!) Not that the sadomasochistic lifestyle is necessarily a sign of anything mentally screwball, but in someone so volatile as Angie, you can imagine second thoughts hovering quickly over the "Sling Blade" auteur. What will greet the "Gia, Interrupted" starlet when she returns from her "Tomb" shoot?

Genie In A Bottle

Meanwhile, over in the world of bubblegum, Christina Aguilera is in love! No, not with the unusually moled Latin sensation Enrique Iglesias, as was earlier rumored, but rather with her leggy backup dancer, Jorge Santos. Apparently those long tour schedules -- practicing synchronized dance moves to preprogrammed dance beats -- has created the proper environment for young love, as Chrissy has plucked her hot, young, prancing stud from the chorus line. In Seventeen magazine, she proclaims that she's always wanted "to find a guy who can deal with a chick like me and a lifestyle like mine." Be there a better way to find one than by essentially dating the help?! Hopefully, this pairing will provide us with love and laughter for the entire summer, if only to erase her nemesis Britney Spears from our collective memories!

Celebrity Quote Of The Week

"When you eat a piece of meat or a piece of chicken, you're actually eating euthanization drugs. They take all the dogs and cats that have been euthanized in the pound, and they take all the roadkill and they grind them up and feed them back to cows and chickens."
-- the always enlightening Alicia Silverstone on her beliefs on the vegetarian lifestyle (a regime she was obviously not following during the filming of "Batman And Robin," hmm?)

Bouncing Back

A major, internationally-reported breakup between two mega-celebrities is something we can all relate to, because a breakup in our own lives feels as though it has the same effect on our own miniature sphere of influence. Rumors, phone calls, press releases! "Getting your stuff back," however, is a bit more difficult to do when you're a star, especially when the "stuff" includes Golden Globe statuettes, priceless artwork, personal assistants, and house staff. In this time of tribulation for these two gorgeous, devastated stars, I would like to offer my services, not as transcontinental gossip provider, but as celebrity matchmaker!

Of the two, I believe Liz is the more independent one, less in need of companionship. However, if she can pull herself away from makeup contracts and designer gowns for just a second to date around, I suggest she look in the following places:

George Clooney -- As I worry that George will become an alcoholic and drifter if he remains single any longer, I'm really hoping he hooks up with someone who'll provide him a little discipline and a lot of glamour. Liz, imagine the fun you'd have! Keggers at Mark Wahlberg's house! Lazy afternoons in Hyde Park playing Frisbee and running from the British tabloids!

Ted Turner -- Nothing looks better on Liz than wealth! Although Ted's already gotten himself a new gal, I'm sure she can't possibly look as good in diamonds as Liz. Yes, yes, I hate the whole older man, younger woman thing, too, but Liz could handle it, and she could probably take ten years off of ol' Ted just by standing next to him. And imagine what she'd be like with boardroom power!

Random Sports Hero -- It worked for Posh Spice, and I'm sure Liz could perfect the idea of "taming" a macho sports stud. It would make her look all the more feminine and fabulous, draped among league pendants, Nike stripes, and Gatorade coolers. So, who should it be? Dennis Rodman? Andre Agassi?

For Hugh, I recommend somebody soft and affectionate, who'll be able to put up with an occasional indiscretion or two:

Heather Graham -- She looks good with Austin Powers. Imagine how gorgeous she'd be with a Brit with uncrooked teeth!

Kylie Bax -- If he fancies models, I'd go no further than this beauty. Plus, she just got dumped by her boyfriend Marcus Schenkenberg, who's now fawning for Pamela Anderson. She'll be in need of some fey, shy boy affections. Bonus points: she'll look good in some of Liz's leftover dresses.

Divine Brown -- Since they were so rudely interrupted before, maybe now Hugh and the former prostitute can finally take care o' bizness. This time Hugh, how about dinner first?

Until Hugh meets his new girlfriend on AOL,

Gregoire

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