It's spring somewhere on the earth, but not here in New York, where I refuse to leave the air-conditioned confines of my Howard Johnson corner booth due to the hot, tropical climes currently possessing my fair city. However, that need to procreate brought on by sunny weather has possessed two hot celebrity couples. Bad boy Liam Gallagher (the live-wire from Oasis) and the lovely Patsy Kensit have finally announced they're having a child in October, even though Kensit's already been showing for about a month now, covering it up with clever garments. (Pat, sweetie, hasn't Cindy Crawford proven that being preggers is tres in?) And Johnny Depp's girl, French pop star Vanessa Paradis, has already produced an heir for the sexy, brooding actor, a baby girl named Lily-Rose Melody. (By the way, when's the last time a celebrity couple named their child Anne or Harold?) Mother and daughter are doing grand, and with these two as parents, Lily-Rose is sure to be a knockout. I shall advise the girl when the time becomes appropriate to change her name to something more practical, like Chastity or Moon Unit or Prince Michael or maybe, perhaps......

Gwyneth: I Know What You Did Last Week

I haven't discussed Gwyneth in a while, but now not one but two Class A sightings of the blond icicle have fallen into my lap! Seems she was spotted at a hot new restaurant in Manhattan having dinner with her mother Blythe Danner, and the two actually seemed to be acting like they knew each other. Some nights later, Princess was caught enjoying herself at a Melissa Etheridge concert (which was fantastic, so sez my spy), singing along to the hits with the rest of the crowd. Truly, if anyone can get a imperious young film actress to loosen up, it's a hot lesbian rocker! For once, Gwyneth was nowhere near any young, hot male star, so there was nobody to link her with. (As far as I know, she's still seeing BG fave rave (pre-Prefontaine, anyway) Jared Leto, but even I can't keep track anymore.)

Hampton Hide-Outs

Paltrow was also in the Hamptons two weekends ago -- at a beach party held by Linda McCartney's father Lee Eastman -- as were "Notting Hill" fop Hugh Grant and his luscious wife Liz Hurley, spotted grabbing some iced beverages at a coffee shop in East Hampton. They always seem like such pals in\ public, despite all that Divine Brown business. Personally, I'd love to be married to either one of them; it must be like one big slumber party!

Bronze, Silver and Goldie

The hottest star couples in town came out for last Sunday's Tony Award ceremony, including Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker (in hair stretched so flat it must have been pulled in a taffy-maker), and manufactured on-air couplings like Swoosie Kurtz and member of the BG He Will Be Mine List Ben Stiller, plus Broadway legends Christian Slater ["Him too!" -- BG] and Scott Wolf. But no couple seemed more out-of-place than Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn, who really have no significant stage appearances to their credit. (Goldie was a dancer in the 1960s, but that's a stretch!) As with Academy Awards, the camera frequently shot to Hawn for her reaction to things. Is Goldie sad? No, she's happy! What does Goldie think about that win? She loves it! Has she taken off those annoying rose-colored glasses? No, she's left them on! Since we're all captivated by what Goldie thinks, perhaps television news organizations should cut to her after every story. Gun laws repealed? Goldie's smiling! Peace talks break down in Kosovo? Goldie frowns!

Flocking To Calista

"Ally McBeal" star and two-dimensional-in-more-ways-than-one actress Calista Flockhart was caught last week at a midtown deli last week, shopping for groceries and studying nutritional information on food package, the New York Post reports. A spy reports later seeing the actress at an Upper West Side restaurant dining with a friend and picking through a tuna salad which she ultimately did not eat. I only mention these to illustrate the absurdity of Flockhart sightings and how they always seem to center on food and Flockhart's relation to it. This is old, tired news, and I'm over it. Once and for all, Calista does not have an eating disorder! I caught The Rail in an off-off Broadway play five years ago, and I remember distinctly thinking then how thin she was. If she did have some eating malady, Ms. Flockhart would be a dizzying whirl of weight fluctuation and would probably not have enough energy to act on a weekly television program. Her physique is simply that of a naturally occurring chicken bone, not some mad result of a culture-spawned disease. Between these continuing reports and word of Sharon Stone's ballooning figure, I'm beginning to think we treat blue-ribbon cattle better than Hollywood actresses!

One Plane, Two Heroes

On her way back from a brief but much-deserved vacation, BG shared her flight with none other than professional ponytail Steven Seagal. She reports: "Either he's really down to earth OR really unfamous -- or call it Not 'Above the Limo Sign' -- because his driver was waiting at the baggage claim with a huuuuge sign that said 'STEVEN SEAGAL.' Which was not how I spotted him -- he is a Large Man -- but still. A sandaled blonde with trustfund hippie jeans came to meet him. She looked less like Darryl Hannah (appropriate size) and more like, oh, Cousin It: face almost completely obscured by hair (no glasses). (Could have been his companion Arissa Wolf; otherwise, we've got some kind of scoop here.) He seemed to be traveling with several family members (miniature by comparison, but similar features), but also with enormous amounts of some sort of equipment packed in special padding. Though I eavesdropped at the baggage claim, I learned little. Except, again, that he is a Large Man."

All Gregoire knows is, what with Breakup Girl AND Steven Seagal aboard, damn, that plane was safe. Engine blows up, pilot breaks up, whatever, between the two of them, the day would have been saved. Then again, if the plane had -- God forbid -- crashed, there might have been some "Big Bopper/Ritchie Valens" comparisons, but that's a big downer, so never mind.

Teen Hate Mail

My "Torment Your 12 Year Old Sister" list and random comments on That Latin Stud really brought out the animal in ye dandy readers! Most sentiment was definitely in support of destroying this year's batch of teen icons and hearthrobs. In fact, the responses, were rather extreme. I'm scared of you!

"I just have to say THANK GOD for your opinion on Britney Spears. The least she could do to gain some respect is play an instrument or something -- maybe then people MIGHT just take her seriously. But that won't happen any time soon, I'm sure."

Personally, I'm rooting for Britney to excuse herself from the music industry and become a success in another career. Maybe she can become a lecturer or an insurance agent. I'm not wishing her ill at all; I'd just prefer not seeing her face or listening to her music! Is that so wrong?

"Would you say that the what's-his-name-overrated-Latin-popstar would fit into your 1 in 10 guys in a room are homosexual theory???"

First of all, may I state for the record that obviously it makes no difference to moi if said celebrities are and are not gay. It's the illusion they are purportedly creating -- not the thing they're hiding -- that is at issue here. But in any case, it's shameless, reckless fun in guessing, is it not?

I actually have a new theory regarding that La-vida-loca Suave. (Notice how I don't say his real name anymore? It's banished from this column ... forever!) His attempts at seeming like a typical straight person are so calculatingly clumsy that I believe he actually may be "planting" himself in popular gay establishments in order to win over a traditionally jaded gay audience. Rico knows that mainstream America won't bother with such idle gossip, while urban gay crowds sop it up with a biscuit! By showing up at gay bars and clubs in hot spots in Manhattan and Miami, he is assuring himself coverage in gossip columns, which make little impact outside of those cities. (That's why we internet columnists have a nastier sting. We bitches hit you were you live.) The plan seems to be working; he's on the fast track to a trillion-selling album.

Continuing on the topic of is-he-or-isn't-he?, a voice from the supporting end of the teen beat ....

"You claim Lance will be gay? Well mister, you are quite wrong! He is so far the only one PROVING his straightness (well, except for Joey and his constant flirting, and Justin's puffed up attitude) by ADMITTING he has a girlfriend (big concept for those boy bands). And his G/f is Daniell Fishel (Topanga on 'Boy Meets World'). But on the Howie being gay, You're right on, and I'd look into Nick being on that side of the fence too.... Anyway, thought I'd share w/ you! And don't think I made this up, my dear Lance admitted this on ABC!"

Seemingly true enough, sweets! However ....

1) In last week's column, I didn't claim Lance was gay. I have no proof. It was idle speculation in order to create a rise out of my readership to an extent that they respond in letter form, which you have done.

2) PROVING one's straightness is one of the first steps on the long road to coming out of the big fat closet.

3) I had a girlfriend when I was Lance's age...!

4) Not that physical appearance dictates sexual proclivity, but, Good Lord, he looks like a really feminine version of my own mother. Can't they harden up his look a bit? I've seen well-paid drag queens with harsher faces than he!

"While you are torturing your twelve year-old sister, you might want to add that all of those Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync characters are also very unattractive. Without celebrity, they really wouldn't get any decent twelve year-old girl's time of day...."

In the real world, attraction isn't just about physical beauty as it is about presentation, attitude, and perception, and those rules apply exponentially in the world of entertainment. Are Madonna and Mariah Carey so drop dead gorgeous? God, no! But they have money and style, and from there beauty is but a purchase and a diva-snap away.

You could combine parts of all ten of the Backstreets and 'N Syncs and make about two and a half really beautiful guys, but that's not the point. When a 12-year-old girl screams that, oh, Leif Garrett is "dreamy and soooo cute," what she's really saying is "I adhere to this illusion of beauty which is an amalgamation of young talent and image." Which, actually, doesn't apply to Leif Garrett, but you get my point; in any case, I would kill to hear a 12-year-old girl say that about anyone) Anyway, I prefer these boy bands to be peopled with merely "passable" guys. It proves the gullibility of the masses.

Oh, but I ramble on! Next week, I propose another reader challenge similar to last month's "secret obsession" contest. The topic: your own personal celebrity. More later, my pets.....

Until I see what Goldie really thinks,
Gregoire

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