The Grammy Awards, certainly the most boring of such ceremonies to cross our glamour paths thus far this year, are now but a faded memory, and the only person anyone really remembers is that lovely, young, attention-grabber Jennifer Lopez. Not because of any stellar vocal performance or any amassing of golden statuettes, but rather because of her "dress." In truth, the modest frock looked like a gaudy shower curtain very loosely fastened around the waist, allowing her well-insured assets to spill out. As her boyfriend Mr. Puff was busy getting arrested again, Lopez accompanied a stunned David Duchovny to the podium to present an award, flashing her exposed frontal nudity to all of America. Her bosoms were apparently attached to this piece of slender fabric with pieces of tape. The line between elegance and pornography was literally held together with adhesive! I don't mean to sound so chaste, but somebody must stop this girl before she gallivants down the street in the full nude. What next, the Blockbuster Awards in pasties?

Gramma's Grammys

The second most memorable event of the Grammys was Carlos Santana's extraordinary sweep for his album, "Supernatural." (Am I the only person on the earth who thinks this album is a total snooze?) [Quite possibly, dear Gregoire, xoxo Friday] Exercising his seniority, Carl did not bother to remove his tacky, heavily tinted eyewear and routinely wiped his feet on the likes of Ricky Martin and the Backstreet Boys on his frequent visits to the podium. Yet Santana was not the only fashion victim or aging freak present within the disturbingly named Staples Center that evening:

Christina Aguilera -- As this stunned and talented child singer approached the stage to accept her Best New Artist trophy, the crowd collectively gasped at the sight of her blousey, overbeaded gown. Apparently Chrissy perused the closet of Joan Collin's from her "Dynasty" days and emerged with an outfit better suited for a "Price Is Right" showroom model. Her endearingly immature speech would have made a great impact, too, had she not warn so much makeup as to make her appear embalmed. Pull back from the blush, dear, and act your age.

Whitney Houston -- At what point in her career do you think Whitney lost it? After "The Preacher's Wife"? Before "I'm Your Baby Tonight"? Regardless, she was in rare form on Grammy night, flipping off Rosie O'Donnell from the audience, swaying uncontrollably backstage, and thanking R&B "original" Bobby Brown, who must pay her for saying things like that. Fortunately, she looked stellar in her Dionne Warwick-like coif.

Ricky Martin -- Did anybody read any subtle symbolism into the fact that Mr. Martin, as saucy and heavily made up as ever, was dancing in a ring of flames? Still looking good in leather, however.

Elton John -- Normally I'd say he looked extraordinarily classy, but when he's doing material from the 1970s, he should be wearing feather boas, red leather, and large, starry glasses. Of course, he was certainly acting all feathery backstage. He forced Billy Joel to feel his pacemaker -- yes, Elton's got one -- and later chided that he thought the whole Lifetime Achievement affair was "bull----." He bitched all evening and frequently to the point where Joel, who flew 3,000 miles especially to present the award to Elton, actually cornered him on the issue and yelled at him. Later, Elton joked that he had "done" all the boy bands present, including his background singers the Backstreet Boys. Clearly he's kidding. I don't think a pacemaker could withstand it!

Speaking of boy bands, fashion winners amongst the lads included Lance from 'N Sync (doing a bad white afro which, inexplicably, looked strangely adorable) and Backstreets Nick Carter (no longer resembling a chubby frat boy) and Kevin Richardson (sharply dressed and really looking like he's over the whole thing).

Dependable fashion horror shows included Busta Rhymes (but what did you expect?), MTV's Jon Norris (looking more and more like an unwrapped version of Lon Chaney's Mummy), and the collective known as TLC (in negligees designed by Salvador Dali).

Other accolades:

Most beautiful -- Faith Hill (God himself must give her facials) and Sting (I don't care how old he's looking, the man is shaggable to a fault).

Most disturbing -- The Dixie Chicks, performing a song that condones murder, even if it is a wife beater played by Dennis Franz.

Best performer -- Marc Anthony, followed by all those 10-year-old prodigies. In fact, that little Asian violin pixie exhibited more talent in her little pinky than Britney Spears did, implants and all.

Worst performer -- Ms. Spears, who gave the laziest lip-sync ever. I officially give her eight more months before she's performing at state fairs.

Trophy Parties

Thanks to wins by Santana, Whitney, TLC, and Little Miss Aguilera, the place to be immediately after the telecast was the BMG party which featured, among many star sightings, a rare appearance by Howard Stern, who's emerged as a party hound in his newfound bachelorhood. (In fact, on Monday, he was seen at Mr. Chow's with Angie Everhart, fueling speculation of a scandalous matchup.) Yet BMG actually had a more notable party the night before for snubbed music exec Clive Davis, whose name was uttered more times than God's by the night's winners. Those bowing at the Altar of Clive on Tuesday included Stevie Wonder, Kid Rock, Mary J. Blige, Mark Wahlberg, and Rod Stewart with new "serious" girlfriend, Penny Lancaster.

Not to be outdone was the Wednesday bash at Wolfgang Puck's eatery thrown by Sony head (and Mariah Carey ex) Tommy Mottola, which was attended by Sting, Courtney Love, Ricky Martin, Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman, not to mention the arresting Jenny Lopez and arrested beau Puff, who later escaped to his own Bad Boy Record soiree. Sadly, as the Daddy Puffums was in attendance, the party was promptly busted by the police and Jenny and Daddy had to escape out back! D'oh!

Santana, meanwhile, was too worked up at his own after-party at the Congo Room merely to bask in his wins. In fact, he led the crowd in a rousing chorus of "Happy Birthday" for his friend Edward James Almos. No word on whether he threw his excess Grammys into the crowd as party favors.

Un-Caged

They weren't the only celebrities in a jovial mood last week. One would think that Nicolas Cage would have hit the singles bar heavily last week, hot on the heels of the announcement that he and perky Patricia Arquette have split after four years of marriage. And yet, I have word that Nic and Patty had actually been separated for much longer than that. In fact, their nuptials had actually dissolved a mere nine months into the union! Since they both have children from previous marriages, it was presumably important for the two to give the appearance of happiness for the kids. This sounds like a noble notion, but years of giving a false impression to both your children and to your fans does not sound like the activity of those with strong moral fiber, no? Why did they finally end the silence then? Is Nic in love with somebody else? Is Pat ready to expand the Arquette brand name with a new boy? How many Arquettes can one nation withstand?!

Seen!

--Stephen Spielberg, no stranger to hospitals recently, escorting his wife Kate Capshaw and daughter Sasha to Lenox Hill Hospital. Remission? Nah, this time it's Sasha's turn, something about the little tyke having an inflamed foot apparently. Get well soon, Sasha! You've got a fabulous name!

--Newly hatched lovebirds Katie Holmes and the sweet Chris Klein (from "Election" and "American Pie"), exiting LA's Mondrian hotel together and completely entranced with each other...

--Jason Priestley and blank-eyed Andrew Shue ("Melrose Place") at Rue 57 in New York, apparently talking about the Fox Network's unemployment packages...

--Bald, pretentious rocker Billy Corgan, partying in South Beach with Siani, who's apparently a downloadable pinup girl from the Internet. Sounds like a class act, o' you smashed Pumpkin, you!

--Michael Zeta and Catherine Douglas-Jones at the Limelight last weekend, listening to Mike's son Cameron spin a few tunes for a hungry crowd of revelers. Cathy even danced in the deejay booth with Cameron's girlfriend Jennifer Gatien, daughter of club king and accused drug lord Peter Gatien!!

Breakup Girl reports that she and a friend -- delightful Deborah, who was kind and plucky enough to put together a book reading/signing for BG at Atlanta's cool Cafe Intermezzo -- spotted Letterman foil Richard Simmons checking into the Ritz-Carlton. BG and D resolved not to approach the giddy guru unless an appropriate moment presented itself. But before they could make a move, he turned from the registration desk, took one look, and made his own. "YOU TWO ARE PISTOLS!" he squealed. He admired each outfit, hugged each "pistol," and was off in a puff of sparkly self-esteem.

Celebrity Quote Of The Week

"I wish the public at large would concern themselves with their own lives, with their own personal business and affairs, and then probably divorce rates would be lower."

-- Julia Roberts (during press junkets for "Hook"), as quoted by gossip maven Jeannette Wells in her new book, "Dish: The Inside Story on the World of Gossip"

What Planet Is Ben From?

Correct me if I'm wrong, dear readership, but world peacemaker Gandhi was hardly a hit with the ladies. Well, that certainly can't be said of "Gandhi" star Ben Kingsley, who reportedly attempted to score with a host of young ladies at the New York premiere of his latest film, "What Planet Are You From?" The NY Post mentions that one actress, Tammy Tavares, even claimed that Ben "has a problem" with hitting on women and claims that when they met, he "looked her straight in the breasts, nowhere else." And this would differentiate him from the rest of the straight male population in what way?

The Hottie Hot List

And finally, several readers have taken note of my allusion to a monthly "hottie list" that I constantly update whenever some hot, young thing hits my celebrity radar. Actually, dear readers, I was merely jesting in regards to this said list. However, why not create a real one? This list will be updated every month, and rankings are based on

1) babe factor
2) cultural visibility
3) talent in direct relation to their babe factor
4) impact of their performance upon the daily lives of less hot normal people, and, ultimately,
5) my very whim.

So, without further ado, I present ...

Gregoire's Hottie Hot List For March

MEN

1) Christopher Kennedy Masterson -- The older brother of "Malcolm In The Middle," 'nuff said.
2) Vin Diesel -- Over-the-top sexy in "Pitch Black".
3) Rob Thomas -- Did he lose weight?! He looked awfully tangy at the Grammys last week.
4) Marc Blucas -- Buffy's hot, Angelesque boyfriend, but for how long?
5) Jude Law -- So suave and unaffected by the Oscars.
6) Taye Diggs -- Hotter than ever off-Broadway in "The Wild Party".
7) Giovanni Ribisi -- Doesn't this "Boiler Room" star have the face of a beautiful 1930s film star? The very essence of studliness.
8) Matt Keeslar -- I still can't believe they blew him up in "Scream 3".
9) Ghostface Killah -- Woo-woo Tang, you mean.
10) Tobey Maguire -- And if he weren't such a jerk, he'd be number ONE.

WOMEN

1) Erykah Badu -- Completely gorgeous at the Grammys, completely amazing in "The Cider House Rules". Bonus points: brought her baby on stage.
2) Sharon Stone -- Looks great as a saucy lesbian in "If These Walls Could Talk 2".
3) Toni Collete -- Did you see her Joan Jett cover homage on Paper Magazine?! Sassy!
4) Chloe Sevigny -- She deserves that Oscar, dammit.
5) Sonique -- Diva flavor of the month.
6) Daphne Rubin-Vega -- Doing the tortured, erotic Latina thing off-Broadway in "Two Sisters And A Piano".
7) Virginie Ledoyan -- The only watchable thing in "The Beach".
8) Julia Roberts -- Those "Erin Brokovich" trailers, ooo la la!
9) Jenny McCarthy -- Hotter in jet-black hair than Cameron, plus her career makeover seems to be working.
10) Kate Hudson -- Goldie Hawn's daughter, currently scoring with Lenny Kravitz.

Drop me a line with your personal choices, and you may affect my list for next month. Isn't this so totally "Tiger Beat"?!

And one quick note: you all may know by now that "Titanic" goddess Kate Winslet is pregnant with her first child. What you may not have known is that Kate also won a Grammy last week, in the category of "Best Spoken Word Album For Children" for a project she did with Wynston Marsalis. So, I guess you could say that Kate Winslet was honored this week with an award and a ward!

Sorry, no more bad puns, I sware,
Gregoire

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