Now that all the self-important relevance of the Academy Awards has faded and we've already forgotten who's won what, it's time to focus on the real story, the seedy underbelly of gold, the aftermath of the award-winning ...

Shocking Sex Secrets Of The Oscar Rich And Famous!

Naturally, no discussion of alternative Oscar sexuality would be complete without the mention of Angelina Jolie, the cushion-lipped Goth queen who stole the statue for Best Supporting Actress and embarrassed a roomful of amoral actors with her incest-tinged acceptance speech and subsequent canoodling with brother James. I was overwhelmed with letters from readers who wondered why I left the creepy couple out of my Oscar roundup last week. It was partially a mental block -- similar in nature to accidentally seeing your parents make love -- though I had no immediate scoop on the loving siblings. However, here's what I've been able to dredge up during my exploration through the tangled branches of the Voight family tree ...

Angel(ina)s and Insects

Angie's reps have issued a curious "no comment" to press inquiries into the pair's intertwined behavior on Oscar night. Now, if Angie and James were merely a platonic coupling, wouldn't her flacks have proclaimed, "Ew! You're all sick!" Even daddy Jon Voight, after the glow of seeing his baby wielding an Oscar wore off, expressed great concern at their behavior. So, with no official declaration of "Mason-Dixon love," what do I think is the real deal?

The Case Against "Brotherly" Love

1) Angie's always been prone to shocking behavior — as previously illustrated by her fizzled marriage to "Trainspotting" hottie, Jonny Lee Miller. Somebody who thinks carving the name of her fiance into her body with a razor blade for her wedding might need to find ways to top her own scandalous stunts. (And, well, considering recent rumors of her other alleged "habits," the guise of an incestuous affair might seem like a great idea!)
2) Angie has professed in interviews -- including the latest in US Magazine -- that her affection for her brother comes from growing up in a broken home and "creating nontraditional" bonds with family members out of a desperate situation.
3) And, frankly, it's awfully sick. Why assume anybody in a public spotlight would willingly risk their career?

The Case For "Brotherly" Love

1) James looks an awful lot like Angie's ex-husband Miller.
2) Similar behavior exhibited at the Golden Globes -- remember when she brought her brother on stage?! -- and at other ceremonies suggests this is more than a passing trick.
3) James is a HALF-brother, and given Angie's "nontraditional" familial bonds, perhaps he has been deemed "outsider" enough by her unique family circle. My opinion? Frankly, it's refreshing to have something truly weird dominate the gossip pages for once. I say, let us wonder, Angie! I haven't liked you so much since you overdosed in "Gia"!

No, Really, I'm Straight

Miss Elvira wasn't the only glamatron fending off romantic controversy. Alleged straight man Kevin Spacey seemed to be clutching his Oscar more tightly than his heterosexuality last week after lurid, new photographs in Star Magazine revealed the "American Beauty" star suggestively playing on the beach with a "young male model" in California. The "macho" manly star is seen in the pictures cuddling and receiving a massage from the young companion. The tawdry gossip rag, never known for restraint, actually claims it held back a few photos of a more revealing nature.

More fuel to the fire? Spacey's date to the awards was Diane Dryer, who he claimed was his girlfriend (except that Dryer is actually his personal assistant, not his real girlfriend). Naturally, you can have a verrrrrry personal assistant, but trust me, friends, that's a messy game! And, as we've never seen Dryer in this capacity, it does seem awfully convenient.

If Spacey wants to continue with this current charade, perhaps he should have reconsidered the dozens of past photography sessions that seem to be routinely circulating through the trash gossip circles. I mean, even I have pictures in my very possession! (Grainy, but, whoomp! There he is!) Anyway, nobody cares whether he's gay, straight, or a eunuch. It's the story we want straight, not Kevin himself!

American Lolita

From incest and homosexual allegations to May-December romance! (Isn't love a roller coaster?!) Kevin's onscreen lust object and "American Pie" bombshell Mena Suvari proudly debuted her new hubby, cinematographer Robert Brinkman, at the award parties. They seemed like a normal, homey pair until it was revealed that the 21-year-old actress was actually betrothed to this man 17 years her elder! This means that Robbie was enjoying his junior year in high school before Miss Suvari was even conceived. While there's a bigger age spread between Cathy Zeta-Jones and Mike Douglas, Mena can't even be considered a full-grown woman (unless you count that atrocious frock she wore to the Oscars). The pair met on the set of her latest film, "Sugar And Spice" and got hitched three weeks ago in Northern California.

In other "American Pie" gossip, the infamous cherry pie has been recently linked to a Sara Lee raspberry-swirl bundt cake.

Many Brads

What other deviations can we uncork from last week's Oscar scandals? How about cloning? Seems there are more Brad Pitts than Baldwin brothers, or at least that's how it appeared over the past few weeks. Jennifer Aniston must have refrained from alcohol after literally being sandwiched at an after party between her boy toy and lookalike Brad Rowe, who showed up quite unknowingly. (I sense a remake of the Bette Midler-Lily Tomlin vehicle "Big Business!") In fact, Rowe accidentally stepped on Aniston's gawky gown and was finally introduced to the bigger Brad, who seemed humorously intrigued by the doppelganger.

Another Pitt impostor was popping up around Springfield, MO, the backwoods metropolis that serves as hometown to both Bradley and yours truly (not to mention "toast of the West End" Kathleen Turner, John Goodman, and Bob Barker). Seems the fake Brad was barhopping through the stunned Midwestern nightlife with a bevy of bodyguards, garbed in a black cowboy hat and goatee. He even reportedly charmed the ladies with his faux-Brad posturing. The real Bradley has taken this impostor in good-natured stride, though his mother Jane (or J.P, as sonny calls her), who lords over the apparently gullible Springfieldians as an owner of a construction firm, has expressed her irritation. (I know her pain; I have impostors all over Springfield claiming to be me, too!)

And look no further than the latest ad campaign for KC Reaction to find the latest Brad Pitt double, not to mention a woman who looks suspiciously like Winona Ryder. Is there an agency where you can find these duplicates?

With all these Brad Pitt impersonators everywhere, you'd think one of them would return my call!

Baby Back, Baby Back

What other too-tacky revelations emerged from last week's award spectacle? How about some good, old fashioned infertility? Or rather, non-infertility, as "Boys Don't Cry" hottie Chloe Sevigny set the record straight regarding a purportedly evil jibe by the Post that the young star could not have children because of a youthful bout of scoliosis. Apparently, tired columnist Liz Smith decided to retrieve her info from an ancient interview with Sevigny instead of finding anything current about the star. Chloe was so distraught by Smith's supposed revelation that she burst into tears. Luckily, the story is not true and, bless Jesus, she'll have as many children as she wants. (We're not all so lucky however. I had scoliosis as a youngster, and now I can't become pregnant!) And she can dress them in the latest fashions from H&M, the European, cheap clothing store that has enlisted Sevigny -- not to mention Benicio Del Toro and Salma Hayek -- as high-octane models.

The Talented Mr. Breakup

And finally, the biggest scandal of all ... the reported breakup of Matt Damon and Winona Ryder! Details are as sketchy as any information regarding these two -- they were hardly ever seen together and rarely even seemed as if they liked each other -- though we can safely assume that those pregnancy rumors waved off by Damon were truly fantasies. I'll get back to you with word on this latest, though not exactly interesting, romantic dissolution, though I will offer you a scary possibility for the future: late into the post-Oscar night, Matt was seen talking intimately with acclaimed cradle-robber Cher!

And, finally, some random Oscar tidbits ...

Trey Parker's body wasn't the only form sheathed in that scandalously transparent Versace gown made famous by the glued naughties of Jennifer Lopez. Seems Tony Curtis' young wife Jill also wore a version of the flimsy frock, though hers was floor length.

Meanwhile, where was Ms. Lopez, you ask? Nowhere near LA, thankfully, or who knows what shred of material she might have worn! Instead, holed up in San Francisco for the filming of "The Wedding Planner," she held a pajama party for 60 of her closest friends, including costar Matthew McConaughey. And what was she wearing this time? Just a simple black Prada negligee, natch!

Watch out Kevin! Spacey and the entire gay contingent of "American Beauty" including its producers and screenwriter, Alan Ball, were treated to gold go-go boys garbed as life-sized Oscars at a post-Oscar party at the home of director Randal Kleiser. Sounds like everybody went home with Oscars that night!

Queen Latifah almost left the Oscar ceremonies with a $7 million debt after her 25-karat diamond broach dislodged itself and went sailing into the entertainer's cavernous cleavage. It would have most certainly been lost forever if not for the help of a nearby assistant, who went spelunking for the fallen jewels.

G-Mail

"Gregoire, I don't know what came over me, but for my own Oscar antics, I decided to have an Oscar Party and then tagged on a trailer trash theme that just came to me. So my soiree contained the likes of Cheez Whiz and Ritz Crackers, Pringles, numerous Twinkie-type items, something called "S*!? on a Shingle," White Zinfandel, Bud, etc. I decorated the house and the yard accordingly, and of my 20 odd guests, over half dressed up. Much fun was had!

I tried Oscar Bingo but with everything that was going on, it was hard to keep track. (The prize was the barrel of cheese balls.) I included things like "Gwyneth," "kissing the Oscar," "more than five people going up to receive an award," and "Jude Law looking unattractive." Actually, I think reading the bingo cards was more fun than actually playing."
--G

You wild one! The trailer trash idea is simply fab! Most of those stars were waitresses and Safeway grocery baggers in a previous life anyway, so it's nice you celebrated their roots. Sounds like Bingo might have been a bust, however, because Jude Law will never look unattractive, even if he has leprosy or bad lighting.

"Gregoire, Gwyneth was the worst! It was so obvious that a PR person was helping her repair her image after her awful acceptance speech last year! She had to make the intro to the Best Actor about her by referring to her nervousness last year? How self-centered and weird! Am I the only one appalled? Watja think, Gregoire?"

I think Gwynnie-poo could have been FAR more obnoxious. In fact, she was rather self-effacing in a snobby, I'm-better-than-you kinda way. I also liked that she had the courage to wear something completely drab. And yes, I haven't forgotten about her sudden reinterest in ex-boyfriend Ben Affleck. Wake me up when they actually do something interesting.

"Gregoire, that Angelina Jolie comment [my "River Phoenix of the new millennium" crack from last week's column] was cruel and crass. Shame on you."

Let me clarify, darling. I'm not implying that I want Angelina to travel down the same path as my late, lamented love, River. (I'm still grieving over that one, I assure you. My eternal flame for Jimmy Reardon has not been extinguished!) I'm simply saying that she's seriously involved in some weird stuff that could, if unchecked by therapy, good taste, and maturity, completely wreck her life.

"Gregoire, Apparently Meredith Viera's lap-jumping was due to the fact that Clint [Eastwood] stole her seat. That seat was supposed to have been left empty for her but for some reason, Clint appropriated it. At least that was M's version of it on "The View," and why would she lie? Um, gee, I don't know, BECAUSE SHE'S A FREAK?! Actually, it was a joke that went awry, and if she chooses to cover up bad writing with that 'seat stealing' excuse, I'm not losing sleep over it. Because Dirty Harry can take anything he damn well pleases!

And one non-Oscar letter, shall we?

"Gregoire, I work at Harvard and on Friday I spotted our own bit of galactic royalty, Queen Amidala herself, Miss Natalie Portman. She was sweet-looking sitting at a cafe table with a (gasp) boy! Shouldn't she be studying for midterms? How much do we love the fact that she said this in USA Today (Nov, '94): 'I'm going to college. I don't care if it ruins my career. I'd rather be smart than a movie star.' We love Natalie! Yay!"

I do love Natalie, too -- I mean, did ancient Egyptians make those cheekbones? Naboo Faboo! -- but the moment George Lucas waves a paycheck under her nose, her midterms will be fluttering in the wind from the dust she leaves zooming outta there.

And now, dear ones, I promise that the word "Oscar" will not appear in the column for at least six months. And if it does, may I never win one!

Until a randy remake of "The Brady Bunch" stars Angelina Jolie,
Gregoire

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