WARNING: This week, I am banning all scoop on the following celebrities: Jennifer Lopez, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Michael Douglas. If you absolutely cannot survive without knowing why Jenny is still with Puff Daddy and why Cathy is actually considering the name Zeta-Douglas (no joke, I swear), then either e-mail me or hold on until next week. This week, it's all about "Like a Virgin" and, like, a virgin.

Crazy For Two

Is Madonna becoming Barbra Streisand?

At last month's Golden Globes ceremony, we were reminded, at excruciating length, how bland Babs has become as she gave her Lifetime Achievement Award acceptance speech. Remember when she made fun, non-serious movies ("Funny Girl") and music (i.e. disco duets with Donna Summer and rock duets with Don Johnson)? Well, these days, you can almost pose the same question to the Material Mama, who has gone from irreverent ("Who's That Girl") to uncomfortably austere ("Evita") in a pre-menopausal plea for legitimacy. Even her excellent "Ray Of Light" album had nary a laugh-inducing moment. No "I'm Going Bananas," no "La Isla Bonita," nothing. Is this truly the fate of gay icons as they get older?

Meanwhile, the latest blip in the rumormill is that the ambitious blonde, no longer content with virtually mature daughter Lourdes, has already been knocked up with a second Material Fetus. The buzz may be a bit premature; she didn't look pregnant during her interview/love-fest on the Rosie O'Donnell Show last week (and given her lust for publicity, you'd think she would have made an announcement there or during her press junkets for her new film, "The Next Best Thing"). She's been a victim of media overexposure before, and she'd never plan a pregnancy within months of a new album and new film. You think she's gonna risk revealing that much of herself again after the "Sex" book fiasco?!

Speculation has mounted as to who would father this next ray of light, whether Madonna would actually settle down with a man or obtain a sperm donor. After some consideration, I have figured out the odds of a select group of possible candidates, based on their relationship with Maddie, their potentially perfect genetic makeup, and their willingness to be used as mere fertilizer:

The Candidates For Madonna's Second Baby

2:1 -- Peter Berg: The intensely sexy star of "Chicago Hope" has been infrequently seen with Maddie over the past couple years, but their relationship has recently heated up, with Berg winning over one crucial member of the Madonna posse: good Lourdes! During one of his many visits to her Central Park West apartment, Berg noticed the baby diva bouncing insanely on her bed. So excited was the tot that she bounced right of the bed. Luckily, Pete leapt to her aid and caught the priceless lass before she crashed to the floor. Will saving one spawn of Madonna give Pete the edge to help produce a second? With those dreamy eyes and that razor-sharp jawline, she'd be a fool not to consider it.

7:2 -- Guy Ritchie: The one thing Berg never publicly had was the official stamp as Maddie's boytoy, a burden that this Brit (and director of the terrifically stylish film "Lock, Stock, And Two Smoking Barrels") has had hoisted upon him by the English press. They had supposedly cooled in the past few months, but frequent mention of him in recent interviews suggests that the suave director may not be out of the picture, both as potential donor and boyfriend.

5:1 -- Rupert Everett: Though the most obvious choice to father Lourdes' little brother or sister -- he's beautiful, intelligent, British and gay! -- Rupe may, in fact, be a little too perfect and high-profile. Still, the baby shower would be totally FABULOUS.

15:2 -- Carlos Leon: He's still part of Maddie's close knit group of hangers-on, which means she might be considering a second go with the sultry fitness trainer. However, why dip from the same well when you're the most powerful woman in the world?

20:1 -- Sting: She's been chummy with the ex-Police frontman for a while, and he's been giving her tons of pointers on parenthood. And their children get along famously. Now, if only we could do something about Sting's wife, Trudie Styler.

40:1 -- William Orbit: Ever since she met Willie, her producer and remixer on "Ray Of Light," her career has been in an upswing. And if he's a successful producer, maybe he'd be a successful reproducer! One fault: he's the least physically engaging of the bunch, if you know what I mean.

650:1 -- Antonio Banderas: Also known as the only man to turn Madonna down (see "Truth Or Dare"), Tony is inconceivably soooo in love with Melanie Griffith that the press of fathering an infant with the spurned singer would finally get people talking about him again. After a string of film flops and a head-shaking love affair, he could use a little controversy.

1,450:1 -- Rosie O'Donnell: Although medically impossible (and, in fact, genetically inadvisable), Rosie would be thrilled to participate in the birth process. I mean, did you see how she was obsessed she was during her interview with Maddie last week? All those pleas of "We should hang out more!" and those loving glances while Madonna contorted her body into a bizarre meditation position!

By the way, since Madonna has basically lost her marbles and covered the AM-radio standard "American Pie," perhaps we'll see some other 70s overplayed classics get a touchup by today's hottest stars. Cher tackling, "The Logical Song"? How about Boston's "Amanda," redone by Will Smith? (In classic Smith style, he could simply play the old song and say "ahhh yeah" repeatedly over the top of it.) Or "Year Of The Cat" by The Pet Shop Boys? Actually, that might work....

Oh, J. Simpson!

Teen stars will come and go. And one hopes this will happen, soon, to Jessica Simpson, the latest high-octave sensation who's like Mariah Carey without the intellectualism, the self-effacement, and the graceful style. (Meaning, she's EXACTLY like Mariah Carey.) Well, there is one thing that sets the two songbirds apart, and that's sex. Simpson has publicly announced that she's a virgin, despite dating that hottie Nick Lachey from third-tier boy group 98 Degrees. Simpson declares that she made the virginity vow when she was just 12 years old and plans to stick with it until she sees a wedding ring. I say, good show! Teenage girls get enough encouragement to "give it up" before they're ready, and a few chaste souls are certainly welcome into the pantheon of teen schlock. Now, if we could also get her to stop singing.

And, in related news...

Celebrity Quote Of The Week

"The wedding gift that I have for my husband will be a heck of a lot more valuable than a big-screen TV, let me tell you!"

-- Jessica Simpson, in Teen People, valuing the worth of her virginity

Overheard ...

... the only thing bigger than Tobey Maguire's saucer-sized eyes is his ego! During a celebrity Golden Globe afterparty, a renowned photographer asked if Tobey would mind taking a picture with his "Pleasantville" costar, Reese Witherspoon. Now, Tobey and Reese did not get along at all during the filming of that picture -- they reportedly spent weeks of time filming without talking to each other -- so Tobelroney was quite annoyed by this request. He refused to pose for the picture and actually added, "You have no idea what I plan to become!" alluding to some vain, inevitably legendary status he hopes to achieve. The photog told him immediately what he thought of him, and Tobey stomped off. Then, Ryan Phillippe, Reese's hubby, came up to the perturbed photographer and thanked him for telling Tobey off! In fact, his words were met with approval by all the celebrities surrounding him. Gee, Tobey, I hope your beloved little "plan" includes being run out of Hollywood, because it looks like you're well on your way!

... the possible demise of television's "Spin City" might have been in the cards weeks before Michael J. Fox announced his departure. In December, one of the costume designers for the show was being interviewed and said that she greatly enjoyed working on the show but, "too bad they're cancelling it." Had the cast known of Fox's imminent leave long before he announced it? In fact, there are rumors that Charlie Sheen might be replacing Mike on the series, which, to me, is a little like saying, "Cancel me!" With Charles in a mayor's office and daddy Martin as the president on NBC's "West Wing," all we need now is Emilio Estevez as a sexy new Supreme Court judge on an upcoming CBS drama!

Sightings

Oxygen Media, home of the smashing new Breakup Girl animated series, had their glamorous kickoff party on Wednesday at Chelsea Market and naturally the stars came out in force. Oprah Winfrey was there, of course, as were Dylan McDermott, Diane Sawyer, Regis Philbin, Lisa Ling, Jennifer Esposito and Oxygen's new employee, Candice Bergen. (That's right, I'm on the same payroll as Murphy Brown; isn't that a kick in the knees!) Also, there was Eric Nederlander and his new girlfriend, Gabrielle Reiffel, who ran into a friend of Nederlander's old Seinfeld-stolen girlfriend, Jessica Sklar, and the run-in was not pretty, my friends. He and his mate quickly fled from Ms. Seinfeld's galpal. Later in the evening, Cuban chanteuse Celia Cruz enthralled the crowd and the luscious Luscious Jackson played a sadly-too-brief-but-truly-excellent set, even going so far as to invite much of the crowd on stage for the last tune.

Beige at B Bar, the hottest gay nightclub (and celebrity magnet) in New York, became a frenzy of male adulation as Heather Locklear and a lucky entourage made a surprise appearance. The bodacious blonde swigged a few martinis (that's my girl!) and ate some oysters, while gay men tripped over themselves to compliment every career choice she's ever made from "Dynasty" and "Melrose Place," to her current fabu stint on "Spin City."

Cross-eyed in love, "Scream 3" stars Courteney Cox Arquette and David Arquette dined with a photographer friend of theirs at a hot Manhattan eatery Maratti last week. Neither David nor Courteney were attacked by knife-weilding psychopaths for almost the entire meal.

Meanwhile, what did I do this weekend? Well, on Friday, I ran up to Lincoln Center for a little light entertainment, as did Liam Neeson, dressed head to foot in black, who rushed past me with a gruff look on his face. (Must have read the scathing reviews for his latest film, "Gun Shy".) Then, on Saturday, I decided to shake my groove thing at the Roxy nightclub, a decision also made by Sean P. Hayes, propped up at the bar in a cute white ensemble. Talk about tripping over celebrities!

And from my dear readers.....

"Gregoire, I spotted, on a recent holiday to Byron Bay, the one and only Val Kilmer canoodling with an attractive, but very young blonde at the famous Beach Hotel. The pair seemed oblivious to all around them as they smooched at the bar, whilst he had his hand up her shirt."

".... short-but-cute Stephen Dorff leaving Barney's with a brunette in his black Porsche, waving goodbye to the freakishly skinny and not-so-cute Lukas Haas."

[Ex-squeeze me, but Lukas is adorably cute in his own way. At least he doesn't get confused for Ethan Hawke, as Stevie frequently does!]

"Gregoire, Friday afternoon (1/28): Gwen Stefani & Gang were filming a new video at the FIDM in downtown L.A. Gwen looked ravishing with fuchsia braids and an outfit that looked like something from 'Waterworld.' The directors were recruiting extras on the spot and it would have been a great way to spend a few hours had I not been fighting with my boss on the cell phone."

[You actually picked your job over a few minutes with a fuchsia-braided star? Shame on you! If Gregoire has taught you anything, it's that nothing matters but a few seconds of bad behavior from a Courtney Love why-would-you-wanna-be!]

Oh, and did you know Neve Campbell and John Cusack are batting away reports that they're planning on getting hitched? All I have to say is, what the hell is the supreme star of 80s teen romantic comedy doing with that "Party Of Five" chick? Somebody call his sister, Joan. We need an intervention!!!

Until I father a Madonna child,
Gregoire

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