This week, Gregoire fell in love with a man who eats brains.

No, not just brain cells, like the few other unfortunate loves who have plagued me. But rather, actual human brains, through a quick-moving projectile that pierces the human skull with the efficiency of an excellent public relations firm. Okay, so not the monster per se, but rather the hottie who played it on last week's episode of "The X-Files." His name is Chad Donella, and, glitterati-wise, he comes from out of nowhere. (Trust me, I did research. A bit part in the Katie Holmes vehicle "Disturbing Behavior," and that's about it.) I'm not sure what did it for me: that perpetually stoned look!? That hair?! Those "soulful brown eyes?!" (as described by the show's sexy psychiatrist), or the heartfelt storyline of an organ-munching monstrosity wanting to change. Whatever it was, I could not pay attention to a single word of "The Practice" afterwards and ended up doodling little brains exploding into hearts all over my phone and electricity bills!

A few months ago, I polled all my readers regarding "unknown" heartthrobs from bit roles in movies and television , and an overwhelming number came from guest appearances on "The X-Files." How does this show, even in its declining years, still manage to rack up such an assortment of cute men and women previously unbeknownst to the world at large? Oh, to be a casting director!

Rain Man

Speaking of The X-Files, Breakup Girl and I swam through a river of cheese and schmaltz to get to the post-opening Broadway presentation of "The Rainmaker," a thoroughly innocent and enjoyable play being revived with Cheers dunce Woody Harrelson as the magical man of precipitation. ("Speaking of The X-Files?" Yep: dusty ol' dad is played by none other than Jerry "Deep Throat" Hardin -- we knew he'd be back -- and leadin' lady Jayne Atkinson also appeared as "Willa Ambrose" in a 1995 episode.) We were duly impressed with both Woody's fresh, lively dramatic skills and his sexy physique. At one point, he does a completely superfluous handstand which allows his thin undershirt to fall, revealing his pristine abdomen. He's been getting mixed reviews from the more jaded of theatrical critics, but then again, he's not doing Shakespeare here. (Unlike hottie Liev Schrieber, who's planning on tackling "Hamlet" later this month off Broadway. Don't think for one minute that I'm not gonna be front row for that one, my sinful, sexy readership!)

Man Of The Week - Jackie Chan

Surely we of the genetically masculine sex should be proud of this week's man of the week, Jackie Chan. How did he win this coveted title? Upon hearing that Elaine Ng -- the actress with whom he's been having an affair -- has given birth to a girl last week, Jack-kay is quoted in a Hong Kong paper as saying, "If the child is mine, I'll surely take responsibility." Mr. Nice Guy, indeed! And so trusting of his lovers!

Penn-sive

Of course, Robin Wright would not have felt so right after hearing the news that her husband Sean Penn has been stomping around the Big Apple with an unidentified blond model. The Daily News reports seeing the two leaving a party together at the downtown club, Life (that's Leonardo Di's favorite hangout, natch). Naturally, that doesn't really imply anything other than maybe Sean gave her a ride to her hotel, or perhaps the woman was a niece, or maybe she had locked her keys in her car and he was just helping her out. Regardless, I've heard that Robby and Sean are not exactly on stable romantic ground anyway, so this sighting comes as highly suspicious. People, think of the children!

Sightings

Talk about fruity! Wacky banana Madonna was seen stuffing her face twice last week: once dining downtown at Pop (love it) with her ever present sidekick Ingrid Casares and a couple others, and later across town at her brother Chris' new restaurant, Oriont (really love it), with another group of compatriots, whom she was entertaining by balancing a nectarine on her head. Is that in the Kaballah?

Talk about vegetable-y! The Post reports that overrated hair band Korn got burned by the Manhattan glam system last week when, at trendy restaurant 151 last week, they demanded four additional tables be cleared for several of their friends. Not that it's such a big place anyway, but restaurant workers refused their request, with one employee even stating aloud, "You're not Metallica. You're Korn." The defrocked rockers stormed out. Ooo, so cold!

Richard Gere, sans his beard (and we're not talking the stubble kind, neither), enjoyed the wrap of yet another movie, "Autumn In New York," with his director, the ravishing Joan Chen, at their downtown club party. How did Joan look? "Irresistible." And Rich? "The same."

Matthew McConaughey, avec beard but sans bongoes, does appear to have a thing for percussion. At a downtown club, Matt wowed a crowd of partiers (including our rainy friend Woody) by leaping to the stage and doing a quick drum solo for onlookers. When celebs do such self-mocking things as this, you have to wonder if they get the joke. I personally think that Matt does get it, but nobody is laughing at it!

Blind Items

Plucked from conversations with high level "unattributed sources" (meaning these people would be found floating in the Hudson River if they were found out), the following items are so hot I can't even reveal the names of the celebrities involved. And besides, it's so much more fun to guess, isn't it?

-- A certain Oscar-winning actress, so infrequently seen with a partner anymore, has not so discreetly been seeing a certain Emmy-winning actress, who disposed of her permanent partner a couple years ago. The television star, also a this-website fave, has rarely exhibited such girl-on-girl behavior, but I say it's about time. Oh, to be a fly on the wall of that bedroom!

-- A major pop star, who is obviously not made for the heterosexual life, will be getting married next year ... and his wife has already been "chosen" by his music label and PR people. Look for this rather shocking announcement to be made in the middle of next year.

-- This laser-hot film star and Golden Globe-winning actress seems to be taking the River Phoenix route in her road to method acting. One member of her entourage (who actually accompanies her to press junkets) is her drug dealer, who's there to get her through tough questions, I presume. One of the questions I might provide the actress would be, "What's the name of that au courant supermodel you're seeing when you're not filling your bloodstream with toxins?" (Hint: This is not about Liza Minnelli.)

G-Mail

"Gregoire, do you need an assistant? Or anything for that matter? Where can I send my resume? Also, what is your opinion on why soap star marriages last a lot longer than Hollywood marriages? Just a thought..."

Last question first, soap stars remain married longer because 1) they cannot compete with the drama so inherent in their occupations; 2) they're not prone to "method acting," -- avoiding such temptations as crack, fist fights, and infidelity with Lara Flynn Boyle; and 3) there are fewer egomaniacs on "Days Of Our Lives" than on your average Hollywood set.

As for your other inquiries, fortunately, I manage to handle my extreme workload of filing, typing, shredding, and other secretarial duties by myself here in the backroom of the Times Square Howard Johnson's. Of course, all readers can operate as one of my "spies" by sending me their brushes with fame. Nothing is small or insignificant enough. For example....

"Gregoire, Here's a little tidbit: I work for the Los Angeles City Fire Department in a gift shop called (so help me I'm not lying), Dalmatians. Guess who came in here to buy LAFD T-shirts last week? That's right, Pee Wee Herman, aka Paul Reubens! He was wearing glasses and was very nice and patient while I grudgingly followed instructions and took his picture with some of the staff. He even gave me his card (to get a copy of the photo -- not for any naughty reasons...)! Who was he with, you ask? A very normal looking lady, also very nice, who looked a lot like my godmother. And that's my scoop. Sincerely, Fire Girl"

Tell me, do you sell any Men and Women of the LAFD 2000 calendars, featuring scantily clad officers putting out fires and rescuing cats from trees? No, I suppose not, or else I'm sure, given his predilection for porn, Paul would surely have bought one!

"Gregoire, Vogue Magazine recently referred to a "falling out" between Gwyneth Paltrow and Winona Ryder. Sadly, Vogue was vague. Do you know anything about it?"

Of course! Since 'Nona is currently dating Matt Damon (ha!), and Gwyn recently broke up with Matt's other half, Ben Affleck, you can imagine there might be a little tension in their girl talks. In fact, their feud started much earlier, a year before Gwyndolyn's split with Benny. Seems that 'Nona had possession of an early script of "Shakespeare In Love" and was considering auditioning for the lead role, the one that later won Gwyn-doll her many awards. And where did Gwyn happen to see the script? On 'Nona's coffee table, believe it or not!

To better enlightening this situation, I have written a small play that will illustrate what I think happened on that fateful night:

SCENE: Winona's posh Manhattan apartment, winter 1997

[Winona is drinking coffee with Gwyneth in her tastefully designed living room.]

Winona: Gosh, Gwyneth, I'm so depressed. Critics and audiences alike hate me in "Alien 4." What was I thinking?

Gwyneth: I was brought up never to play such silly roles. But how were you to know? You grew up with hippies!

Winona: You're right. You're always right. [Pauses.] Why do I always feel like a girl interrup—

Gwyneth: What's that?! [Walks to coffee table, picks up "Shakespeare In Love" script.] Why, Winnie, you in a costume drama?

Winona: Hey, I was in "Age Of Innocence!"

Gwyneth: Well, you didn't do a British accent. It's not a costume drama without an accent. Emma Thompson told me so.

Winona: You're so right! I'm such a lost soul!

Gwyneth: Hmm, you know what, Winnie? I think I will take you up on those CornNuts. Will you go get them for me?

Winona: BBQ or plain?

Gwyneth: BBQ!

Winona: Um, sure. [Gets up to leave.] You're not going to, like, take that script are you?

Gwyneth: What?! Me steal! You little pixie! [Winona walks out. Gwyneth tucks script into cleavage and leaves.]

Just a speculation, of course. I'm sure the real incident was far more scandalous!

Until Winona really invites me in,
Gregoire

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