Gossip lovers, do not fret! A big heaping, helping scoop of fresh gossip will be slung your way next week. I'm preempting my weekly dish-fest so that I may present a Very Special Episode of the G-Spot. For today, the G stands not for gossip, but rather, pure GOLD ...

Throwing The Perfect Oscar Soiree... The Gregoire Way

Move over Martha Stewart! (No, really, move over.) While you might be able to make melon balls and strange, gingham potholders, dear Marth, you have nothing on Gregoire when it comes to crafting the perfect Oscar party! I've officially been hosting Oscar parties for ten years now, and they've become as important a part of the fabric of the New York film aesthetic as the Oscar bashes thrown by Elaine's and Talk Magazine. (Though, admittedly, they've not reached the legendary status and cultural significance of Breakup Girl's New Year's Day events.) In my time, I've learned one very important fact about the Academy Awards: no matter how excited everyone is about that statuesque, golden man, he will eventually let us all down and bore us to death. That's why your Oscar party has to be so over-the-top that the actual ceremony is virtually drowned out.

So, since I can't invite you all to my Oscar party, I've decided to offer forth my secrets for throwing a fun-filled bash in your own home, duplex, or villa. Please feel free to pillage as many of my suggestions as you wish; unlike Martha, I won't require you to buy anything at K-Mart, and I won't be putting these tips into a tastefully designed magazine. This is just between you and me, dears!

Oscar Pre-Production

Most of you have sent out your invites to your respective Oscar soirees already, but to those procrastinators (like me), here are some invite suggestions, taken from my very own experiences:

Not merely an excuse for people to sit around and watch television, your Oscar party should have a thoroughly controlled, individual personality which -- like a boyfriend -- reflects your own style. I like to give my parties names, such as this year's gala, "The Talented Mr. Oscar." (My invitations reflected that film's fonts and style and gave me a reason once again to use Matt Damon's face in new, unusual ways.) Very few of this year's Best Picture nominees afford the opportunity for such wordplay, so look toward the films in the acting categories. Oscars Don't Cry? Oscar, Interrupted? The Oscar House Rules? (I didn't say this had to make sense.)

E-mail your invites: it's the 21st century, so drop those invite down the virtual mail chute. It's the best way to get the basic information to your guests, as well as a convenient way for them to RSVP. You can also provide useful info links, like www.oscar.com, and huge, time-consuming photo downloads of your favorite stars, certain to crash your invitees' computers at work, possibly getting them fired, leaving them no excuse not to come!

Don't forget snail-mail! For those freakish friends of yours without e-mail, follow up with a printed invite. In past years, I've gone with fancy, gold print on a tasteful card -- like a wedding announcement, without that bad wedding aftertaste. However, this year I've gone tacky and sent a poster of Haley Joel Osment saying, "I see GOLD people!" (Haley Joel + Photoshop = fun!) In addition, in this Oscar "care package," I also include a cassette tape featuring the five nominated songs and snippets from the nominated scores. If making a tape, please note that putting that Phil Collins "Tarzan" song first will most assuredly keep your guests away in droves.

Casting Call

But which of your friends to invite? Just as the Academy had to snub Jim Carrey, so too will you have to "nominate" a select few of your many, many friends. You'll do well to leave off your invite list anybody who cannot correctly answer the following three true-or-false questions:

1) The Academy Awards honor excellence in car design.
2) David Letterman was the best Oscar host ever.
3) The Oscars are absolutely unaffected by politics, favoritism, or campaigning.

People who feel like they need to talk about work or irrelevancies like politics or religion should be left off your list, though a few sarcastic loudmouths are definitely needed to make your party feel like an orgiastic revision of Politically Incorrect.

Set Design

Just because the primary focus of your bash will be a television show, doesn't mean you can be lazy with your art direction. First, I recommend having LOTS of televisions, in any and every corner of your house. Borrow, steal, or lease them if you must! In addition to your primary viewing area, televisions should be placed in the kitchen (where your guests will be frequently refilling their glasses) and in your "work space," where you'll be counting ballots and prepping special events (see below). Multiple screens are especially useful before the Oscar ceremony begins, when your crowd will most certainly be torn between watching Joan Rivers and Barbara Walters.

Adorn your hallways and walls with gold streamers and place red material (or carpet, obviously, if you have it) at your door to greet guests in the proper manner. Don't know what to do with all those spelling bee and bowling trophies? Use them as props. If you can afford it, buy movie posters of the nominated films. (If you can't buy them all, at least get the one for "The Insider." It's tasteful and gorgeous.) For a kitschier feel, cut pictures from magazines to adorn the TV and refrigerator. In fact, nothing says Oscar glamour more than a wall comprised only of photos of Angelina Jolie's lips.

Best Costumes

The Academy Awards have become a worldwide forum for fashion designers, and your party should be no exception. Give your guests two options: they can either dress formally or dress up as a nominated actor, actress, director, or film. As an incentive, give away a Best Dressed award during the party. (If you're really adventurous, also give a Worst Dressed award. But be warned! The first year I presented this award, I single-handedly lost an entire group of friends! They dressed collectively as "Sense And Sensibility," but I called them a tribute to "Babe"!) Naturally, your guests will gravitate toward the more creative option, so expect about ten Brandon Teenas, four pregnant Annette Benings, two Hurricanes, a stray Richard Farnsworth or two, and, if you're lucky, one adventurous guest will dress like Oscar himself. (I'm planning on dressing as M. Night Shyamalan, though I haven't quite figured out the specifics yet.)

Reward your guests upon entry by "hiring" one of your friends to play paparazzi, snapping people with a Polaroid or, better yet, one of these new, snazzy, e-Zone cameras. Further inundate them, if you dare, by getting another friend to play Melissa Rivers, giggling hysterically as she asks everyone "who" they are wearing. She can hand out door prizes or simply criticize everyone without pity.

For you truly thorough folks, I have sometimes assigned an Oscar nominee to a guest, making them wear a nametag with that nominee's name. Then, if that nominee actually wins an Oscar, the guest will then also have to give an acceptance speech during the commercial break. This works only if your entire guest list stays for the entire ceremony; for instance, the year that my Martin Landau and Dianne Wiest left early together was a total fiasco!

Eat, Drink And Be Merry

Consistently the most important element of any Academy Award function, the food served at your fete must reflect the glamour and class of the ceremony, while remaining edible. (I'll never again use gold spray paint as cake frosting! It took weeks to get rid of that rash!) In fact, my most time-honored tradition is serving food based on themes of the five Oscar-nominated films for Best Picture. That means serving dishes that were either used in the films themselves or reflect the general theme of the film. For my own bash, this year's menu will probably include:

The Insider -- A narrow, white-frosted cake, in the shape of a cigarette, with actual candy cigarettes used as "birthday candles." Russell Crowe and Al Pacino order tempura in the film -- a bit expensive, but your guests will love it -- and Crowe's wife in the film mentions she's making pasta primavera (though that might be a difficult dish to present at a party).

The Cider House Rules -- Duh, apples! Go crazy with 'em! Extra bonus points if you serve them in a white, porcelain bowl with a lid similar to the one used in the film to discard, well, stuff.

The Green Mile -- The most difficult of the five films, unless you want to serve a big plate of cornbread, decidedly NOT a popular party favorite. Instead, you'll prefer to make small, chocolate pastries in the shape of little mice or a simple bowl of green M&Ms for a more abstract approach.

American Beauty -- The most notable appearance by food in this film was asparagus, thrown against the wall by Kevin Spacey. But who wants to eat something healthy at a party? You can go monstrously white trash and recreate the film's Big Barn burgers, making a batch of hamburger sandwiches and chopping them into small pieces, tastefully accented with a tooth pick. (Believe it or not, I did something similar a few years ago with Arby-like sandwiches for the film "Fargo," and they were the first eats to be polished off!) Of course, candy roses might be the easiest choice to prepare.

The Sixth Sense -- Remember the scene where l'il Haley Joel is eating breakfast cereal? That's the best you're going to do with this film, unless you want to serve chicken noodle soup with a conspicuous container of Drano sitting next to it. Personally, I'd do something more creative -- sugar cookies in the shapes of sixes, for instance?

I cannot stress to you how important your theme food is for your party. Why, people still call me and tell me how much they enjoyed my blue-and-white cookies (mimicking the faces of "Braveheart"), the "Titanic" Jell-O ocean with marshmallow icebergs and actual ship and little people embedded into the delicious gelatinous goodness, and my "Saving Private Ryan" gingerbread men, with strategically missing arms and legs and healthy dollops of red frosting smeared randomly.

And have fun with your drinks as well! Create drink recipes that highlight Oscar's darker side, like my hugely successful "Trainspotter" (a frozen orange sherbet-and-vodka concoction) and last year's "Jim Carrey's Oscar" (a dark, bitter intoxicant). Hopefully, my guests will delight in some of my newest recipes, including "The Hurricane" (a punchy, red fluid for the serious imbiber), "Drinking John Malkovich" (with Malkovich-headed drink stirrers), and, oh yes, the return of "Jim Carrey's Oscar."

That's Entertainment!

Every moment of your party should be saturated with activities. Your only real opportunity to shine will be during the lengthy commercial breaks, so make the most of them! Some of my most popular Oscar games include:

The Oscar Party Oscars -- Before the actual ceremony, while people are still filling out their Oscar pool ballots, give each partier a separate ballot to vote on the candidate who truly deserves to win. Then, throughout the evening, have a guest read the nominees and actually open an envelope. You'll be surprised how different your party results will be! For added drama, when announcing the party guest who will read the nominees and winners, play the cheesy film score from "Titanic."

Lifetime Of Dramatic Achievement -- If you're a close-knit group of friends, preface Oscar's own Lifetime Achievement ceremony with your own, giving a Lifetime Of Dramatic Achievement Award to that loving friend of yours who has created the most drama for everybody in the room. Present the winner with a chocolate Oscar -- available from merchandisers online and at your finer candy stores -- and a crown to wear for the entire evening. This segment of the party was so popular last year that the winner of this "coveted" award is actually co-hosting with me this year!

Specialized Awards -- In addition to your soiree's own personal Oscars, I also like to ham it up with unusual awards. Two years ago, the "Titanic" year, ballots also included a contest between Leonardo DiCaprio and Matt Damon, with three awards: the cutest, the most "doable," and "the most obviously manufactured for a prefabricated teen demographic." (Matt won the first two; Leo the last.) This year's ballots will include an honor for the sexiest male or female nominee. Make up your own this year! The point is to create an extreme, palpable energy in the room with exhaustive activities going on the entire time.

"Tableaux Vivant" -- If you really want to intensify your party, fill a couple commercial breaks with short, one-minute plays that will serve as synapses for the nominated films. Gather a couple friends beforehand to practice and be sure to plan the staging to accommodate a short amount of space.

To give you some inspiration, here's a short snippet from my one-minute "Cider House Rules" tableaux vivant:

Michael Caine (weird English-American accent): It's fun to have abortions when you're high on ether! Good night, you princess of England!

Tobey: Gosh, Oscar-nominee Michael Caine, I'm so sick of abortions. I'm going to go pick apples with Charlize Theron while her boyfriend is away at war.

Charlize: Thanks, Tobey, you're so great. But you'll have to sleep out with the other apple pickers in the Cider House, including Grammy winner Erykah Badu.

Tobey: I love her song, "On And On"! And her head wraps!

Michael Caine: I'm really lonely. I can't talk to anybody but these two lonely nurses and these unwanted children.

Fuzzy (actually a hand puppet or stuffed animal): Why does your voice sound so funny? Cough cough! (Dies.)

Michael Caine: This is too much. I'm going to overdose on ether now! (Dies.)

Tobey: I've returned from apple picking. It seems I will never get away from my true purpose, which is performing abortions. (Looks at collapsed bodies.) Everyone has died while I was away. I guess it's true what they say -- an apple a day will keep the doctor away!

Well, you get the point.

Who Wants To Be An Oscar-aire?

Of course, the most essential element of any Oscar party is the Oscar Pool. Remember that many of your guests will already be in Oscar pools at work, so keep the price down, maybe three to five dollars per ballot, but encourage people to enter numerous times. I suggest keeping all the money in a glass bottle or jar and placing it on or near the television set, so that everyone will constantly be thinking about the money. Many people don't like that you include every category on the ballot -- including those nearly impossible-to-predict categories like Sound Effects Editing and Documentary Short Subject -- but you should leave them all on to even out your playing field.

You remember that work space I referred to earlier? You'll need that quiet room to keep track of the Oscar pool during the entire show. I usually array the ballots on a bed and keep them in stacks according to the number of right and wrong guesses throughout the show. Important: put a small television set in this room, so you don't miss the Oscars while working diligently to entertain others! If you keep the ballots in order early on, you'll be able to announce the winner shortly after the announcement of Best Picture, when people will really want to leave as soon as possible. If you can afford it, give a little award for your runner-up in the Oscar Pool, like the aforementioned chocolate Oscar, or maybe your leftovers!

Give everybody their ballots as they leave, so that they can scratch their heads, wondering why they ever thought there would be a "Sweet And Lowdown" acting sweep, or why they chose "King Gimp" over "Eyewitness" in the Documentary Short Subject category. Once everybody leaves, give your apartment a smug, satisfying once-over before falling headlong to the floor in utter exhaustion. Because, dear readers, if your fingers aren't bleeding by the end of the evening, then your Oscar party really wasn't very golden!

Next week, I'll help you handicap the more obscure Oscar categories for your work Oscar Pools and predict what sort of fashion catastrophes are bound to occur. And a return to the gossip trenches, including details of the messy breakup between odd couple Whoopi Goldberg and Frank Langella!

Until "Martha Stewart Living" hires me as a creative consultant,
Gregoire

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