Too bad I can't actually play my very own Glam-Quest 2000 game. (At least you all can play along! Click the Glam-Quest logo or scroll down to some very astute celeb sightings below.) Why, celebrities have been assaulting me all week, as though demanding to be sized up for a point value! (Forgot how to play already? Brush up on the Rules.)

Last week, while rushing through the congested streets of midtown, I was almost plowed over by a very yellow, very severe-looking Helen Hunt, wearing that no-nonsense my-baby's-sick-so-I-can't-talk-to-you-Jack look that won her an Oscar. She was literally surrounded by tourists who were too busy gawking at Planet Hollywood handprints and to notice an actual star had just sped by! (When this woman runs an errand, she leaves the glamour -- and the lipstick! -- at home.)

Also too scruffy to be recognized was Ethan Hawke, who approvingly admired my Duffer 70s Nashville designer tee as he stepped past me. I wish I could say I was admiring something on him, but the boy looked like rolled out of the gutter! (Seriously, I almost offered him a quarter.) Still, after seeing his excellent work in "Hamlet," I'll never say a bad word about him. Disheveled and smelly or not, Uma's hubby will always be a fabulon! I'd mention my Fire Island weekend in the former home of legendary Broadway composer Jerry Herman (which provided such d»corating tips as a zebra-striped bathroom and unused leather-apparatus bolts still left in the bedroom ceiling), but do you all know who Jerry Herman is anymore? "Mame"? "La Cage Aux Folles"?

The Beauty Myth

As a minute fraction of you know, it's tough being beautiful. Beautiful people may cry more attractive tears than ugly people but, dammit, they're still sad! And nobody has had more reason to shed a few this week than Liz Hurley, the Estee Lauder beauty who's already had to suffer the heartbreaking dissolve of her relationship with Hugh Grant. Obviously still distraught, Liz refused to shun her responsibilities as a cosmetics spokeswoman, peering through her own sadness to shill high-priced facial creams and fragrances to less beautiful souls.

Unfortunately, she seems to have become a little TOO devoted to her responsibilities. Last week, she filmed the latest television ad for the cosmetics giant, entirely unaware of the strike against advertisers by the Screen Actors Guild that had been raging for months. Unaware of this monumental blow to her most glamorous union, Liz crossed the picket line and worked her makeup magic as usual. Now they're calling her scab. A scab! With that complexion?! Reps for the superstar claim that she simply was unaware of the strike, possibly because she was too busy being wined and dined by multi-millionaires, who don't talk about such things. Lizzie, dear heart, perhaps you shouldn't throw those SAG newsletters in the trash so quickly!

While sports figures and politicians have crossed the picket lines over the past few weeks, Liz is the first actress to break rank. Crisply enunciating spokespeople for SAG are threatening to reprimand the leggy starlet, and thousands of out-of-work, no-name actors -- of the type that actually make commercials -- are threatening to hurl their Estee Lauder products into the garbage.

It's not only unfamous people mad at Liz, either. Sometimes, other beautiful people enter the fray! Stunning tennis teen Anna Kournikova volleyed a harsh comment toward the star at a recent charity event. Not only did Annie noticeably upstage Hugh's ex, she later commented to the press that she thought Liz was "so ugly."

Opinion or no, Anna is now running for her life. Liz attracts all sort of psychotic fanatics, and one of them has risen to defend Liz, sending Anna a death threat for uttering such a wretched phrase. The "fan," purportedly from a right-wing hate group called Combat 18, has become enough of a threat to warrant the attention of Scotland Yard, and security has been beefed up for the misguided tennis youth. (We certainly wouldn't want another Monica Seles knife-in-the-back thing, now would we? Let's keep those strictly metaphorical.)

As if that horror show wasn't enough, Liz, in her svelte and soothing backhanded way, responded to Anna by declaring, "Anna's a very pretty girl." Never let them see you sweat, darling!

Don't quite feel sorry for her yet? Well, imagine having to trip over your ex-boyfriend on a daily basis! That's what Liz has in store for her, as Hugh has simply moved from their apartment which they shared for 13 years to a swanky four-bedroom flat... just a few short blocks away! They'll be bumping into each other at the druggist all the time!

Drew Green?!

Don't expect pouty, self-proclaimed bisexual starlet Drew Barrymore to lose that high-wattage last name yet. However, she moved one step towards its removal by accepting an offer of marriage from her beau Tom Green, raucous comic wit and self-proclaimed testicular-cancer spokesman.

The kooky pair have been dating for less than a year, but Tom's recent health scare swiftly brought the two together. Ironically, this marriage is a rather ballsy move on Tom's part, given Drew's wacky marriage history. If you'll remember, she was married for five nano-seconds to Jeremy Davis and was also engaged to where-are-they-now? "90210" alum Jamie Walters. Speaking of "Bev Hills," that show's resident blondie, Jennie Garth, is also getting hitched, to her longtime boyfriend Peter Facinnelli (co-star of the flop Angela Bassett vehicle "Supernova"). And where did Petey propose to his newly out-of-work gal pal? Why, in a swimming pool, naturally.

All these newlyweds should attend a seminar on proper pre-nuptual agreements, and that seminar could easily be taught by Catherine Zeta-Jones. The awfully pregnant glam queen just cinched a lucrative pre-nup from her hubby-to-be Michael Douglas that would ensure she would receive $3 million for every year the two were married. Now, you can win "Survivor" or live with Michael Douglas for four months to essentially achieve the same financial goal!

Why did Mike agree to this outlandish deal? Presumably its because Cathy agreed to have to wedding in Los Angeles now. However, other reports from reps claim that the couple I still waffling between Cathy's homeland of Wales and their lush bungalow in Majorca. Oh, decisions, decisions! If the pair decide on L.A., then ailing daddy Kirk Douglas, who's often too ill to travel, can attend the ceremony.

Glam-Quest: the Home Version

Many of you have emailed me regarding your own star-sightings and whether they can be point valued according to the same rules as our New York and Los Angeles teams use. I think many of you will be surprised at how good you are at this game. Observe:

"Gregoire, This one will probably be given minus points but how about Mickey Rourke at the gay cafe/bar The Abbey in L.A. with some English dork trying to pick up a girl! Gotta love that one." - Dfisher

On top of the 10,000 points for sighting the celebrity (though Mick's about two years from total obscurity, don't you think?), I'd gladly give this sighting an additional 2,500 points for catching him doing what he does best. If you knew who the "English dork" was (Hugh? A Fiennes brother? That guy from "The Nanny"?), I'd double your points. Total points: 12,500.

"Gregoire, I was just lunching at Broome Street Bar and Jason Alexander (George) was seated next to us. He was with a tall, dark and handsome man. George paid for the meal, was wearing a fanny pack and had a lemon in his soda. I'll leave it at that." - Rebecca In Tribeca

Good grief! A fanny pack! Obviously he's depressed from the lackluster grosses of his film "Rocky And Bullwinkle" and has decided to eradicate all notions of glamour from his portly little frame! Total points: 10,000 plus 1,000 for shrewdly observing this horrid fashion faux pas. Total points: 11,000.

"I just wanted to contribute my Jerry Stiller story. Mr. Stiller works out at the same gym as me and I have not only seen him numerous times, but I have seen him NAKED numerous times. You haven't lived until you have seen George Costanza's dad naked. Quite scary let me tell you." - Pete

First George Costanza in a fanny pack, now his father ... in the full nude! Honey, I hope you're in therapy over this. That's 10,000 plus the new Nudity Mulitplier (5x). Total Points: 50,000.

"Hi Gregoire, My brother and I were pulling into an underground garage in Westwood and just about ran over Rob Reiner. He was rounding the corner from the elevators. He definitely got that "deer in a headlights" look at first, but smiled and waved and walked on." - Liza

Liza, if you had actually succeeded in running him over, I would have cancelled Glam-Quest and joined a nunnery. I mean, what's a world without Meathead?! The "deer in a headlights" look definitely constitutes the Eye Contact Multiplier, so its 10,000 X 4 = 40,000 points for you, dear! And be careful you don't back over Sally Struthers.

"Gregoire, who says exciting things never happen in Massachusetts?

1.Christina Ricci (with blond hair!) in Harvard Square, filming for "Prozac Nation." She was being chased across the street by Dawson Creek actress Michelle Williams.

2.Christina Ricci slurping noodle soup at Ma Soba, an Asian eatery in Harvard Square. She's so tiny, but thank god not incredibly thin like everyone else. As exciting as this was, I could only wish that I had spotted her hottie co-star Jonathan Rhys-Meyers. (sigh) But don't think I wasn't out there lurking about the trailers because I most certainly was! Luv, Harvard Hezzie!"

Again, I must discourage your compulsion to stalk celebrities, dear, even if they are hotties. I think you'll find that celebs are like animals at the zoo: if you pretend not to look at them, they'll come right up to the bars of their cage and lick your face! So if you want to meet dear Jonny -- and he's so hot in person that you'd best get out your sunwear -- let him come to you.

Any sighting of Chrissy is indeed a event, though only your second sighting of her slurping noodles constitutes a relevant "sighting." (Stars are not truly glamorous until they're off the job and their guards are down, that's what I say!) Total points: 10,000.

Until Liz Hurley steps over the picket line of my heart,

Gregoire

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