Despite some of the obvious benefits of my chosen occupation (i.e., the occasional order of free cheese fries), being a New York confidential gossip maven occasionally has its disadvantages. For instance, I have lost the ability to talk normally to "nonessentials," those people not located within the vein of rumor mill, those people such as parents and siblings. In a recent e-mail to my Mama -- I'd call her something fun like BG's Breakup Mom, but G-Mom has no ring to it -- I couldn't help but spin my daily routines into exclusive-sounding dish. Semi-actual quotes: "My apartment building is positively ABUZZ with rumors of a new boiler in the basement." "And which son of yours may actually call you this weekend, that is if the rigorous VIP activities of Fashion Week don't exhaust him first?" "Seen at Aunt Jeanie's nursing school graduation party: Flora, June, Mr. McVeigh (without Mrs. McVeigh, hmmm!), Uncle Stu (wearing Haggar), Cousin Nina, Bea Arthur (or a look-alike?)." My mom replies: "Greg [the woman refuses to use my full name], please move back home before Satan possesses you completely."

Pray For Christian

We haven't all become corrupted by the rich, velvety robes of celebrity, of course. Ironically, a refreshing breeze of normality comes from Christian Slater, who's emerged from almost a decade's worth of drug-related scandal with a healthy attitude and, now, a new wife. Chris married his girlfriend and mother of his baby, Ryan Haddon, in a private ceremony at the Four Seasons Hotel in Beverly Hills. Apparently, the ceremony was so fraught with happiness, joy and well wishes that Chris was not put into restraints ... no, not one single time, my friends. Haddon is a particularly good choice for Chris -- maybe not as good as Breakup Girl, of course, but he's already so privileged as it is -- as she's a former television producer with no previous front-page ties or former illicit love scandals. Methinks these two may actually be in love! Further proof: they're spending their honeymoon in Hawaii with baby son Jaded, er, I mean Jaden, instead of leaving him with the nanny.

Baby Bowie

A decidedly abnormal pairing -- in fact, I'd actually call it paranormal -- is the union of David Bowie and Iman, who have announced that they will have their first child together, due in August with the spring collections. Bowie is 50ish and Iman is in her forties, though both of them seem ageless and incapable of producing something as commonplace as another human being, but I'm glad they're giving it a go. Married since 1992, the two have children from previous couplings, including Dave's son Zowie Bowie, who's 28 and probably goes by Richard or Mark now, I'm guessing. Any mental pictures yet about what this child might look like?

A gaa-gaa Goo Goo

An unusual UN-pairing is the topic of this next item, regarding the sexy Johnny Rzeznik of the Goo Goo Dolls. He has announced a separation from his wife, Laurie, though it's neither permanent nor malicious. Laurie, according to John, is going back to school, worlds away from the raunchy, sweat-filled world of mainstream alternative music. They decided on the temporary split because she's going back to become an English teacher, and John will able to support her by selling millions of records and becoming an international star to pay her back for supporting him during the Goo Goo's salad days. Sounds like love is the reason they're splitting and distance will make the heart grow fonder. In fact, throw in whatever clich?you can think of, and it will most certainly apply here!

Love Is In The Air

I know that horrible, wretched holiday yesterday -- you know, the V word -- is a distant memory for some of us, but others in the elite celebrity community act like everyday is a good excuse for sweet lovin'. Take this quote from Ethan Hawke, for instance, about his wife Uma Thurman: "Me and Uma are both old-school romantics. You have to ask yourself, do you believe in love? And if you do, what are you prepared to do about it?" Sounds like it was written for a John Waters movie, doesn't it? And yet, if I didn't have it on good word that Uma and Ethan weren't STILL as gleefully in love with each other as when they first met, then I'd get all cynical and crass now. They were seen at a Chelsea restaurant shortly after their return from Sundance, and they were unselfconsciously smooching with each other in public. Forget my disgust for public displays of affection. Former bad boys Ethan Hawke and Christian Slater, giddy with love? If they can change, couldn't anybody?

Blind Item O' The Week

Well, not anybody ... what hotshot young star recently visited a Chelsea "sauna" (i.e. men in towels, no actual sauna), prancing around in only a towel, fluffing his tufts of chest hair and delighting stunned men with his humor and other various talents? No word yet on this young thespian's un-toweled acting skills, though assumedly he's as notoriously proficient as his high profile celebrity sibling.

G-mail

Some sassy, salty letters from readers on a host of issues, starting with a clarification...

"Did you see the article (can't remember where) on Kathleen Turner that says she has rheumatoid arthritis?? THAT's why she looks bloated and strange, you cruel, catty creatures. It's the medication! Time for guilt. And public retraction by Gregoire."

Now, while this certainly may explain her appearance -- and I'll certainly retract anything previously mentioned that can't be helped by God or Clinique -- it still doesn't explain her snide, pompous attitude towards her fans or her press, most of whom have abandoned her for that very reason. In fact, as it now seems Kathy is as human as you or I, I would hope for some humility. Out of respect, I'm willing to wait for it.

"Gregoire, I just read your Golden Globes episode, and in your intoxication parade, aren't you forgetting Renee Z?? Hello, she could not stop giggling onstage, nor could she stand on her own!! Lush, I tell you!"

I feel that if you have that sort of high-pitched voice and date Jim Carrey, it's difficult to tell whether you are drunk or sober. I'd have to closely scrutinize videos of Renee's actions during the Globes to make a judgment call, and unfortunately, I taped the "Mary And Rhoda" telefilm over the Globes ceremony, so I'll never know for sure.

"Gregoire, You slam Barbra Streisand's Achievement Award acceptance speech, which I thought was so beautiful and real and profound that it truly warmed my heart. Maybe you could keep your gossip to truth, rather than opinion. Don't make women doubt their worth."

I'm sorry, what does Barbra Streisand have to do with women doubting their worth? I don't care if it were man, woman, monkey or zebra: you rattle on for 20 minutes just because you can, and you're going to annoy the heck outta me, not to mention NBC-TV execs and millions of bored viewers.

"Gregoire, [Regarding last week's Madonna donor search] you forgot the most obvious father of Madonna's next baby -- Sean Penn! What a great way for Madonna to reunite with the one great love of her life! Aren't he and Robin having difficulties?"

Madonna might have considered this option if not for several determining factors: 1) Robin will kill Sean, then she would kill Madonna; 2) Maddie can't stand to be in the same room with Sean; and 3) their offspring would look atrocious. Honestly, would you want to see a human version of "Shanghai Surprise," the only real product of their previous union?

"Dearest Gregoire, would you agree with the buzz that Wes Bentley is the new Hollywood Bowl of Gravy? I think he was STUNNING in 'American Beauty,' but what else has he done, and is he willing to take on the responsibility? I'd love to hear what you think."

Always glad to offer my opinion when it comes to hotties like Bentley. If you don't count an obscure German film and a little part in Oprah's "Beloved," then Bentley's real debut was in "American Beauty," and you'll be seeing him in several upcoming new films. Personally, I actually cried during the bag-blowing-in-the-wind scene in "Beauty," and later that week, he was the highest debut in my Top 20 Hottie Countdown. Fingers crossed, dear readers, he will not succumb to mainstream temptations and, instead, continue to focus on roles as quirky as the one in "Beauty."

"Gregoire, I live right off of Sunset Blvd near Crunch fitness. Well, my better half and I were walking that direction (yes, walking in LA), and we saw some guy who we thought was a little sketchy-looking waiting to cross at the light towards us. He had no shirt on (it was rainy and cold) and was drinking out of a paper bag and singing to himself. We passed him in the intersection and realized it was Matthew McConaughey. I guess he was going to play bongos somewhere."

In fact, there have been a few Sunset McConaughy sightings from last week, including a visit to the bar at Chateau Marmont. What I like about Matt is that he can really pull off that drinking-out-of-a-paper-bag look. Vagrant chic!

Celebrity Quote Of The Week

"I don't call them a posse. That's what other people call them. You guys are the posse."

-- Leonardo DiCaprio, on how he refers to his friends

How You Can Be Part Of Leonardo's Posse

Now that "The Beach," the much-anticipated next film by Leo D, has been released and proven to be worst film of the millennium thus far, perhaps it's time for you to revisit that 1999 New Year's resolution of yours: join Leo's tight-knit group of friends, his so-called "posse." As box-office receipts have proven that he is no longer infallible, it should be a breeze to walk up to him and become his friend in a jiffy! The benefits are high -- he usually demands caveats for his "posse" in every contract he signs -- and the risk is relatively low. What's the worst that could possibly happen? A restraining order? But you'll need some help, so follow these few easy steps and pretty soon you'll be inviting Leo over to your next kegger!

1) To find Leo, spend most of your evenings at all the obvious New York celebrity hangouts like Moomba, Markt and the nightclub Life (if it ever reopens). If you're in LA, look for a Lexus and chase it. If you're anywhere in Europe or Japan, just look for the nearest throng of screaming teenagers. If it's not Michael Jackson causing the fuss, then it's Leo.

2) Don't be afraid to charge right up to him and introduce yourself. If you're arrogant enough, you'll fit in perfectly.

3) Do not call him, "Leo." Leo hates that.

4) Befriend his stepbrother Adam or casually mention that you saw Adam's new indie film, "Pups" and thought it was "pretty good."

5) Don't mention "Don The Plum." Don't know what that means? Good. Better not to know.

6) Don't do a card trick or anything involving a submersion under gallons of water.

7) Whatever you do, please don't bring up his pre-"Romeo and Juliet" habit of chilling out at big New York gay clubs.

8) Do not treat him like "one of the guys." These actorly, young stars always act like they want to be treated like everybody else, but watch his face when you give your last Mentos to Tobey Maguire instead. Learn to assuage his inner diva.

9) Diss the Academy.

10) Most importantly, do not, under any circumstance, ask him to autograph your collection of Teen Beat magazines.

You see, readers, that is why I am writing you now instead of jetsetting with this fine boy superstar. I could not resist the Teen Beat temptation. Leave the love at home, my dear readership.

Until Leo takes Ethan's advice and settles down,
Gregoire

Back to Main G-Spot | Next Date

[breakupgirl.net]
advice | comics | animation | personals | play
gossip | to do | guest | list | about us

Breakup Girl created by Lynn Harris & Chris Kalb
©2003 Just Friends Productions, Inc.