I hate it when I see a really hot guy and realize after I've made quite a spectacle about it that the guy is really a lesbian with short hair. Why do so many lesbians look like Tom Cruise?! In the terrific new film, "Boys Don't Cry," which I finally caught this weekend, actress Hilary Swank looks just like one of those pouty, bevested boys in the Gap ads. That's because she's playing Brandon Teena, the tragic, sexually confused soul who abandoned her sex by disguising as a young, studly womanizer in the middle of Nebraska. Lana (Chloe Sevigny), a buxom dreamer with a penchant for cows and really fiery hair dye, falls for Teena and loves him even though his manliness is interrupted at a certain time every month. It's a riveting film, though it's rather fast and loose with the facts. For instance, the Lana in real life isn't Lara Flynn Boyle-thin, like Ms. Sevigny. Also, Brandon is not seen chewing tobacco and, thus, would be outed almost instantly. The real life Lana is suing the makers of the film, claiming they did not get her permission to use her name in the film. If I were Lana, I'd go on the talk show circuit and demand not only that the film stay released, but also that it be released in thousands of theaters and projected on the side of barns throughout the Midwest. She comes out smelling like a rose! She's an automatic lesbian icon! Doesn't she realize how long it took Queen Latifah to become one?!

Name My Daddy!

Speaking of lesbian icons, Julie Cypher and Melissa Etheridge, my third-favorite celebrity lesbian couple (after Ellen Degeneres and Anne Heche and Tom and Nicole Kidman), are about ready to announce the identity of the father of their two children, Bailey Jean and Beckett. (Those names sound like old-man cocktails!) Though the eldest child already knows her daddy, Bailey Jean's beautiful lesbian mommies are going to wait just a wee bit longer before revealing his name publicly. One thing's for sure: the secret sperm-donor is not Etheridge fave Brad Pitt -- his girlfriend, The Hairstyle, can relax -- though the singer claims the zygotes' contributor is actually "cooler than Brad." Any guesses? I have no reason to say this, but my money's on Antonio Sabato Jr., though Johnny Depp and David Duchovny are remote fantasies.

A more sophisticated seed-guessing game is going on in the womb of playwright Wendy Wasserstein, who just recently gave birth to a daughter without revealing the name of the father. Gossips are gathering a short list of potential daddies that is a who's-who of modern playwrights: Christopher Durang, Terence McNally, and Tony Kushner. And I would add one more possible name to that list -- Nathan Lane!

And since we're guessing, who could possibly be the father of Jodie Foster's child, Charles? Indeed, who would be cool enough? We may never know. It's only circumstantial, of course, but what leading man is only now getting ready to have children, also has a catalog of gay rumors about him, and also happened to star with Foster in a romantic film? If Charles were a girl, would her name be Sommersby?

False Labor

Madonna -- who also used a sperm donor (Carlos Leon) (recently spotted by Breakup Girl and her arm candy in the hopping Lower East Side joint Standard Notions), has had lesbian encounters in the past (Sandra Bernhard), and has also never slept with Brad Pitt -- has squelched a rumor through her publicist that she's been impregnated again. The falsity swept through the European press last week, claiming that another ray of light was on the way, delaying her upcoming world tour and her work on the Noel Coward film "Quadrille." But there'll be no new lady for Lourdes, fabulous spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg told The Post. Referring to the London airport incident in which six cops had to escort her from the plane after a threatening call, Liz said, "Maybe she got pregnant at Heathrow Airport. Maybe all six of them helped!" Liz, why aren't you a star in your own right?

Damon's Domain

Matt Damon recently bought a huge downtown loft here in Manhattan on Lafayette Street, but not, as some newspapers have reported, with his girlfriend Winona Ryder. Some think this means rocky road for the photogenic couple, but as I can't even believe they're a real couple to begin with, I find nothing surprising about it. Matt will, however, be scandalously close to the loft of his true love, Ben Affleck. He will also be close to my apartment, but I don't think this has figured into his decision. Yet.

By the way, have you seen the trailers for "Dogma," featuring Matt and Ben as angels? I wonder if this film will be big with the Precious Moments/Roma Downey crowd, who will flock to anything that has people with wings.

What Breakup Girl Did Not "Need To Know"

One of Breakup Girl's true loves is betraying our svelte superheroine! Marc Anthony, the Latin music heartthrob who is actually straight, has proposed to his girlfriend and former Miss Universe, Dayanara Torres, negating BG's "he totally looked right at me" moment last week outside MTV's Total Request Live. The romantic occasion was topped with a six-carat, emerald-cut diamond ring, according to the Daily News. And how do the lovebirds spend their time together? Playing video games and cooking for each other, according to friends. Aww! Boss, you was robbed!

Sightings

I saw the great new play, "The Country Club," starring "Sex And The City" star Cynthia Nixon and Tom Everett Scott, the hottie wolf-boy from "American Werewolf In Paris," but could not help but sneak a peak at the person to my right, "Vacation" mom Beverly D'Angelo, lovely as ever, sitting with a big-boned European woman. Oh, to hear her shout "Clark!"

Rushing to cocktails at Astor Bar in the Lower East Side, I almost knocked a bundled Dustin Hoffman right into the gutter, where he will certainly reside with his upcoming film, "The Messenger!" I turned to smile and accurately measure him for my G Spot readers, but he slithered away.

Another scary sight further uptown: Woody Harrelson, in town for his Broadway debut in "The Rainmaker," was observed picking out a "Beauty And The Beast" Belle costume for his Harrel-daughter. If I had been standing nearby, I would have exclaimed, "Woody, are you high?!" It's just one of the things I want to say in my life before I die.

During a playoff game between the Yankees and the Red Sox -- I believe these are football teams, readers, but I will endeavor to check this out for you -- one reader spotted MTV guru Carson Daly out at a bar, cheering on his favorite team. According to the reader report, he left with "a skanky looking girl (not Jennifer Love Hewitt)." I'm not sure what skanky implies -- garbed in knock-off Prada, perhaps? -- but he and Jennifer are on the outs anyway. Why, she's too busy making the horrid Fox series "Time Of Your Life!"

Speaking of Daly, BG's Marc Anthony sighting [excuse me, Gregoire, intense bonding moment -- BG] was followed by a glimpse of "Jerry Maguire" guy Jerry O'Connell. She reports that she would have said hello -- unable to mention his current role in the unwatchable "Body Shots" -- she didn't think fast enough to instead compliment him on his performance in "Ollie Hopnoodle's Haven of Bliss."

Sighting from Chicago: the stupendously luscious Luke Wilson (the sole redemption of "Home Fries"), lounging at a trendy bar, entertaining a gaggle of women on-lookers "and looking very bored with the whole thing." Thanks for the tip, reader! But one correction: that was not a look of boredom. That was a look of celebrity!

Back in New York, munching on new American cuisine at the hot new restaurant Canteen was a curious quartet of near-random fabulons: Leiv Schrieber (from "Scream"), magazine editor Jane Pratt, and the debris known as Duran Duran ("Debris!" Betsy doth protest!) -- Simon LeBon and Nick Rhodes. Pratt nibbled on a lemon wedge, while LeBon and Rhodes were reportedly hungry like a...oh, never mind.

More celebrity diners: Jane Seymour and her lovely daughters, having a light meal at Chez Josephine in midtown, after catching the critically reviled Broadway musical, "Saturday Night Fever." (I'll be seeing the show with an open mind tonight, and I'll give you readers my certain-to-be-tinged-with-cynicism-and-hate-filled opinion.)

And, of course, the ultimate celebrity diner: Susan Sarandon! This time she was spotted (with Tim Robbins) at The Coffee Shop on Union Square (which provided the façade used in the horrible NBC sitcom, "Union Square"). I've seen this woman brunch and lunch at more places than any other star, recently including the Chat 'N' Chew, just a block or two away, and updown at the swanky Trattoria Dell'arte. For a woman who simply loves to eat at fattening restaurants, she still looks stunning! There's actually a cult of East Village Sarandon fans -- albeit of the sad, uninteresting variety -- who can tell you were she used to live in her "Rocky Horror" days (somewhere around New York University), where she and Tim would take their children, and every place at which she's ever eaten. After a virtual walking tour with one of these individuals, I went home and made sure my phone number was unlisted!

Until I get to exclaim, "Woody, are you high?!"
Gregoire

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