Bet you didn't know I was an avid sports fan! Call me a jock if you will; my enjoyment of events such as synchronized swimming, tango, and all things equestrian sometimes overwhelms my regular duties as entertainment guru. That's why I love the Olympics: I can view the world's finest ribbon and hoop dancers during the grueling rhythmic gymnastic sessions without fighting frenzied crowds in packed, sold-out auditoriums. Of course, in order to enjoy NBC's 15-hour-delayed coverage of this year's Olympic Games in Sydney, I'm having a self-imposed media blackout; I'm only allowed to filter through the purest of celebrity fluff. (Oh, wait a minute...what's so different about that?!)

The real games, of course, began shortly after the opening ceremony, as fabulons crammed into the American Olympic Committee party hosted by redheaded collegian Chelsea Clinton. Chelsea, swathed in Olympic banners, greeted such visiting celebrities as Calista Flockhart, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver, Bill Gates, Henry Kissinger, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, and Leonardo DiCaprio with some generic model. (And I mean generic! She was wearing all white and had a black label!) Also invited to the ceremony: Paul Hogan. I guess nobody's told the Aussies yet that Paul's on the has-been bandwagon with fellow boomerang-thrower Yahoo Serious.

Talk About A Sinking Ship!

Speaking of Leo, why is he still allowed to attend celebrity functions? Does anybody really care anymore? (Cue sound of crickets chirping.) Well, finally somebody is cracking down on Leo's rampant partygoing and swift decline into obscurity. Leo and his odd phalanx of boy friends (there's a space between those two words, remember) and stray models have been officially banned from the Fenix bar in the Argyle Hotel. This lovely, swanky lounge in La-la Land was hard hit by Hurricane Leo during a recent bout of debauchery, and hotel management have finally thrown up their hands in protest. According to sources there, Leo and 20 of his closest "friends" took over the backyard of the lounge and proceeded to smash bottles and overturn furniture, as though they were precursors of ancient man looking for hidden treasure. After this drunken orgy of violence, the crew fled, leaving the place looking like Sarajevo on a Sunday. Leo joins fellow party addict Dennis Rodman on the booted list at Argyle; Rodman was banned earlier this year when he trashed a penthouse suite. Leo better watch his spindly little self because at this rate he'll be working in hotels, not trashing them.

Jack Boyle-d Out

One of Hollywood's most gasp-inducing celebrity couples has thankfully put itself out of its misery like some sort of scurvy-ridden sick horse. Legendary scary guy Jack Nicholson and thumbnail Lara Flynn Boyle have finally ended their yearlong relationship, after a scandal-filled affair that included mysterious car accidents and gross displays of affection in St. Tropez. No real details on why the pair split -- other than common sense maybe? -- though Jack's older friends have been notoriously and publicly jealous of the young "Practice" babe. Maybe Lara got sick of looking like a trophy? As for Jack, I'm sorry, but he'll never do better than Anjelica Houston. He might as well just stop right now and be one of those creepy old bachelor guys for the rest of his life.

Spacey About Helen

From the demise of one Bizarro-world couple to the formation of another: my sources in L.A. say the big buzz everywhere is the new romance between Kevin Spacey and Helen Hunt. The two met on the set of the upcoming "Pay It Forward" and are apparently quite infatuated with each other. If the Oscar-winning pair got hot and heavy during the filming of the Haley Joel Osment vehicle, it would certainly explain her split from Emmy-winner Hank Azaria. And I'm sure Helen's game enough to help Kevin squash all those gay rumors he continually brings up. (Tom Cruise never addresses his gay rumors; why would Kev keep reminding us of them?) Their affair, of course, sounds about as long term as the entertainment career of Richard Hatch.

Zeta -Jonesing

Nothing is more fierce than an angry, beautiful, superstar mommy. Just ask the unfortunate driver of the car that accidentally backed into the Range Rover owned by Catherine Zeta-Jones while she and little Dylan were sitting inside. The usually demure beauty leapt from her vehicle and angrily harangued the careless driver. Some sources were criticizing her unabashed anger, but hell, I say she should have pulled a "Mask Of Zorro" and impaled the clumsy fool on a drawn sabre.

One person who will not be coming to Cathy's aid in the future is Mark Musters, the party thrower who was just dropped from planning the Zeta-Jones - Michael Douglas nuptials. The popular party planner, who threw Mike's last two Christmas parties, got the bad news last week though he supposedly expresses no ill will. He revealed to the Daily News that his proposed wedding theme was "a wild English garden." Apparently, Cathy and Mike didn't want to get lost in thistles and honeysuckle bushes. Good-bye, Mark!

Although Cathy claims she's postponing the wedding a bit while she regains her after-pregnancy figure, why is it that the date (November 18) and the place (The Plaza Hotel) seem to be on everybody's lips? (Note to Cathy: I'm in town that weekend so I'll be able to make it after all.)

GREGOIRE, PART DEUX:
Gywnnie's Heinous Quote, Puffy's Road Rage,
and Liv Tyler's Lips!

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