Since my return from Atlantis, I have been busily catching up on all the television finales of this season's big shows ... well all but "Buffy The Vampire Slayer," whose graduation episode was postponed to the late summer due to fears that students might try to stake their own bevy of vampires. I say, ban all wooden stakes! And ban K-Mart for selling them! Anyway, love's in bloom on several shows, especially on "The Practice," where Dylan McDermott proposed to his girlfriend Kelli Williams as she lay in her hospital bed, the victim of a knife-wielding, cross-dressing nun. And who said television doesn't accurately depict reality? Ross and Rachel pulled another surprise wedding on "Friends," though I'm not really sure if I care to see them together anymore! Wouldn't a really surprise wedding have been between Joey and Phoebe? Have you ever seen a more incestuous group of friends in your life? Speaking of which, "Melrose Place" petered out pathetically as Dr. Peter and Amanda faked their deaths and got married in Hawaii. I was so bored that I kept flipping to the "Suddenly Susan" season finale, where the truly tragic death of actor David Strickland was surreally revealed via a Fat Boy Slim song and a few flat Brooke Shields expressions.

There were a few intriguing break-ups too, as Katie Holmes kicked it to James Van Der Beek on "Dawson's Creek," and though obviously James was totally innocent, it's great to see him with egg on his face. (More on the "Dawson" crew below.) The best finales had a break-up AND a wedding, such as Jack marrying Karen's hispanic maid on "Will And Grace," while the show's title characters decided to move out! Will, I'm looking for a roommate!

Eyes Pried Open

Given the shady rumors about Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, I'd think they'd want to be rather open about their marriage. Alas, it seems the pair requires their staff to sign an outrageous nondisclosure contract, which would fine the person upwards of $50,000 for just telling one little soul any personal information about the couple. Info that makes it to television will cost you $5 million dollars; print, $250 per copy. Click here for the particulars of this rather unusual document, which proves once and for all that it my not be worth it to call yourself Tom Cruise's houseboy. They've recently practiced a more reasonable bid of marriage protection by successfully putting behind bars a reporter who taped one of their personal cellular phone conversations. Even I think that's a gross invasion of privacy, though, since he got punished for it, can't we all at least hear it? Apparently it's a "marriage squabble" and could disprove all those nasty rumors that have been following Cruise around forever. And it might dismantle comments made by "Eyes Wide Shut" costar Alan Cumming, who insists that he and Tommy do not get to kiss on screen as earlier believed, though Cumming's "wouldn't kick him out of bed." That's a $50,000 fine for you, Al! Ka-ching!

Merry Tyler, More!

I don't know when exactly it happened -- certainly not during "Armageddon" -- but I suddenly really adore Liv Tyler. One day, I woke up, drank a mimosa, looked out the window and exclaimed, "God, I wished I lived next to Liv Tyler!" Who woulda thunk?! Hot on the news that she's been cast as Bettie Page in a new bio-pic on the pin-up, she's been all over Manhattan last week, in particular causing quite a commotion in tony SoHo when she ran into some friends on the street and decided to display some of her purchases for them. Of course, it happened to be sexy negligee in her bag, and as she held the items up to her lithe personage, auto and pedestrian traffic came to a standstill. Liv, you're a weapon, baby, so stop waving yourself around!

Later that week, she reportedly mounted the stage at the Elbow Room and sang a duet with Clare Danes. Spies report Liv stole the number from her sheepish partner, and that she exhibited some very Aerosmith-like pipes. Liv, Jennifer Lopez made the jump to a recording career. Why not think about it? Speaking of, Lopez' album party last week drew the usual crowd of hotties you'd expect from a Jennifer Lopez function, including Maxwell, BG fave rave Marc Anthony (whom she did an erotic tango with) and terribly on-fire sex god Taye Diggs from "Go." Throw Liv and her lingerie into this mix, and somebody call 911, pronto! (My spy brought me home a pink napkin with Jennifer's name on it and a thick lipstick stain on it. It's probably not Jennifer's lips, but we can dream, can't we?)

Jeremy's Spoken

It's hard enough to keep straight the relationships of famous 20-somethings, even without throwing Jeremy Davies into the mix. The "Saving Private Ryan" actor, who was recently Drew Barrymore's object of affection, has now been linked with Milla Jovovich. Milla Vanilla divorced five seconds ago from director Luc Besson, and has wasted no time advertising her availability. I'll need one or two more intimate sightings to officially call Jeremy and Mil a couple, especially with his track record.

Things To Make Your Teenage Sister Cry

Since when did teenage girls begin controlling the entertainment industry? Hot on the heels of ... I refuse to say the Latin heartthrob's name anymore, I am so OVER him ... comes the success of the Backstreet Boys' latest album, which sold more copies in one week than the Holy Bible ever did. In fact, half the top selling albums these days have the emotional depth of of a gummi bear, but irresistible marketing campaigns targeted at the youth. Hollywood films and TV shows are populated with young, freshly scrubed teen faces, and I hate to say the barrage of youth-friendly detritus has just begun. My own 12-year-old clove-smoking sister Marie-Claire always complains that I focus on such "lame" celebrities as Tom Cruise and never enough on such "cool" stars as Scott Speedman and Michelle Williams. "You are zoo prejudice against what zee people want to really read about: Brandy!" I reply that I believe we're in the Tiffany-Kirk Cameron-New Kids phase of our decade, but she merely blows smoke in my face and says that unlike those flash-in-the-pans, Devon Sawa and Rachael Leigh Cook are here to stay!

In an effort to regain our pride, readers, I am officially making this Torment Your 12-Year-Old Sisters Week. Next time she nonchalantly drops the fact that she's being overmarketed to, please drop the following speculations:

1) James Van Der Beek is going to be a very ugly adult. Need proof? Take away those bangs.

2) Deep inside her heart, Katie Holmes cares about none of you.

3) Given his father's tragic death, Freddie Prinze Jr. will eventually have to work out his issues with celebrity, and that could mean he begins to make compelling, adult-oriented films, not full-length Oxy-10 commercials like "She's All That."

4) In reality, Felicity wouldn't last a full week in New York. That frizzy-haired wimp would run CRYING back to mama.

5) Sarah Michelle Gellar has reached her peak. Her future will include an aging Joan-Collins-like "Dynasty" character.

6) One day soon, Josh Hartnett will have to comb his hair, and you won't like it.

7) In five years, nobody will be asking Britney Spears to do anything "one more time." PLUS: It's more difficult to collect unemployment as a 22-year-old with breast implants. Nobody takes you seriously.

8) Those movies with Reese Witherspoon and Anna Paquin that you really enjoy? Ten years from now, they won't even be including them on their resume, and they'll deny in interviews that they ever made them. Reese will deny she even KNEW Ryan Phillippe.

9) The Spice Girls are rapidly aging ... right in front of our eyes! (Take a picture of Geri Halliwell and hold it up next to your mom. Scary, huh?)

10) Put all members of the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync in a room. Given the very basic 1-in-10 theory of homosexuality, at least one of the boys in this room will come out of the closet within seconds, if indeed they are not already struggling with this serious issue, hiding their pain and permanently damaging their desire to love in order to appease millions of anonymous girls. That means, Marie-Claire and all of you arrogant teens, as many as two members of these groups do not want you in any fashion. (My guesses: Lance and Howie. And what a cute couple!)

Until Liv Tyler shows me her lingerie,
Gregoire

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