It's been a celebrity orgy this week, my friends! The streets of New York have literally been packed with glitterati going to and from such functions as the MTV Video Music Awards, the U.S. Open, the Fashion Week festivities, the "Nurse Betty" movie premiere, and last week's Breakup Girl Live at Gotham Comedy Club. Wait, you ask, when did BG Live join the elite enclave of glamorous functions that routinely clog the schedules of the world's most famous? We certainly have our devoted following each month, but this month was truly different, and not simply because I debuted my authentic 1950s Italian "pleisure" shirt. (Oh, my shirt had a following as well, at least a table or two of "pleisure" fanatics.) This month, audience members enjoyed a special, end-of-show treat: a surprise appearance by Jerry Seinfeld! Moments after I ended my own segment, BG introduced Seinfeld to the shocked, moderately drunk audience. He then performed new material for over an hour to the captivated crowd. After the show, Jerry hung out with the gang downstairs while a documentary film crew cheerfully stuck cameras in our faces. (Please, don't ask. I'm always tripping over documentary film crews.) Though BG and others within Breakup World talked to the television legend, I kept my distance, fearing that my being a gossip and all would intimidate Jerry. Don't you worry, Jer -- I was off-duty.

Afterwards, BG and I headed uptown for an MTV Video Music Awards party, but our exhaustion from the show paired with the constant attention from legendary standup comedians and film crews rendered us mentally drained. Plus, one look at an MTV Music Video after-party crowd (17-year-olds wearing entire cases of hair gel in their kinky hair and thousands of poorly made-up Christina Aguilera clowns, I mean, clones) and I was ready for bed. YAWN!

Video Par

The MTV festivities were full of the usual "shocking" behavior, though it was a tad more eclectic than previous years. Eminem, *N SYNC and, believe it or not, Bjork each took home two ugly trophies, but the performer permanently emblazoned on everyone's memory is Britney Spears, who threw her all into looking like a porn star and succeeded admirably.

Trolling the red carpets before the ceremony, however, was none other than George P. Bush, bo-hunky nephew of George Double-You. Who was he on the lookout for? Seems Georges has a bit of a thing for Jennifer Lopez and was hoping to meet the, for once, properly dressed singer/actress. Alas, it appears a meeting did not take place. Could you imagine the repercussions in that family if Jenny decided on a whim to drop Puffy for George?

If he were serious in his intention to meet the "Cell" star, he should have attempted to get into the Interscope after-party at Lotus; Jenny and Puff were crammed into a booth there as hundreds of fabulons filtered into the crowded place. It got so packed, in fact, that fire marshals actually came and shut the party down! (If you'll notice, this happens everywhere that Puffums goes. Think the fire department is trailing him?) Before they were kicked out, however, Jen and Puff got to hang with Howard Stern, Veronica Webb, Sting, Jakob Dylan, and Jay Z. Meanwhile, the festivities were milder at Rhone, where Jane Magazine threw its soiree. Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers actually checked his MTV award in at the door! (Neither of these were the party that BG and I were planning on attending. We were, unfortunately, invited to the "other" party.)

Crazy rumor of the night? That Janet Jackson threw a raging tantrum backstage when she heard that she was being introduced by Renee Zellweger: "Who is that? She's nobody! I'm Janet Jackson! I don't even like her boyfriend. He's a fool!" were the purported words. Eventually, Ms. Jackson (because I'm nasty) was coaxed into letting Renee stay on. Hey Janet, I don't hear anybody talking Oscar buzz for your acting skills (unlike Renee's in the hi-larious new film "Nurse Betty"), and I hardly think you're that untouchable. Gee, honey, channel Michael much?

Don't Run Away, Renee

Li'l Renee, whose worth tripled in my book after seeing "Betty," was all aglow at the film's premiere party, held at tired model hangout The Coffee Shop. She hung on Jim Carrey for much of the evening, while mingling with her costars Greg Kinnear and Chris Rock and admirers David Spade and Mark Curry. And Gina Gershon was doing a bit of hanging-on herself, namely to Anthony Kiedis. Wasn't she with Lenny Kravitz like five seconds ago?

Auntie Emmy

The small-screen stars put on their Sunday best and honored each other at the Emmy Awards last Sunday. I don't have any scoop on the after-parties yet, but I did happen to notice during the ceremony....

--Was host Billy Crystal, er, Garry Shandling coming off his Prozac? It appeared as though he was listening intently to a little voice inside his head as he delivered his extremely distracted monologues.

--"Survivor" is definitely ov-ah. I cringed at every mention -- and there were seemingly dozens -- and Billy's, er, I mean Garry's constant mockery of "reality TV" seemed desperate and weak. Richard Hatch, please return to obscurity! On a positive note, I hope any venom directed at "Big Brother" was noticed by Curtis, the "Big Brother" houseguest who won a trip to the awards, only to be relegated to the balcony with the ABC interns and James Van Der Beek fans!

--Okay, this may sound really politically incorrect, but when did Michael J. Fox become such a hottie? Oh, he did appear a tad frail, but I'm sorry, it sooo worked with his new 'do. God, now I'm kicking myself for never watching "Spin City."

--Moment of Untamed Ecstasy: You can take your Jack Lemmons and Vanessa Redgraves. I almost cried when Megan Mullally won Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy for playing Karen on "Will & Grace." She's a woman after my heart. But, as Karen herself would say, "Honey, what's with that dress?" Seem blousey to you?

--Best dressed? Halle Berry looked ravishing, as did Debra Messing and Jean Smart (but then, who looks bad in that much red? Even Molly Shannon looked fab in it!) And did I mention Michael J. Fox?

--Worst dressed? Calista Flockhart, stay away from ruffles, especially red ones. Geena Davis, I know you're trying to win your way back into our consciousness, but pulling a "Cher" (i.e. throwing on some outrageous frock to garner attention) doesn't work for you. And did Loretta Lynn do your hair?

-- Speaking of Cher, did you see the look on her alien-like face when she lost to Eddie Izzard? You'd think she'd just seen her plastic surgery bill! Her blonde wig was a humorous touch, though she looked a bit like Janice from "The Muppets."

G-Mail

"Gregoire, celeb sighting last Tuesday: a fresh-from-the-gutter Chris Noth stumbling his way through Midtown minutes before curtain of his new Broadway gig, "Gore Vidal's The Best Man." Apparently, he hadn't showered because he still had hair dye in from the previous night's performance! 'Sex and the City' girls beware, there's a New York Neanderthal on the loose!" -- Dean

Speaking of Chris' Broadway aspirations, did you hear that he wants to do a revival of "Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf?" starring one of his "Sex and The City" compadres? No, not Sarah Jessica Parker, though she'd be pretty good in the Sandy Dennis role. (God, I can hear her whining now!) Imagine, if you will, the role made famous by Elizabeth Taylor now being taken by ... Kim Catrall. Miss "Mannequin" has come a long way!

"Gregoire, this past weekend, I was taking my usual Saturday jaunt down Fifth Avenue -- stopping at Bergdorf's to try on scarves, then to Tiffany's for sparkly wonderment, and finally, on to Cartier. What? I can't get in the door. A huge crowd has formed around the entrance. Security guards stand firmly as they secure locks and tell frequent customers like me to leave. A mutter flows over the crowd. 'Who is in there?' the people protest. Some start to whisper, "Monica Lewinsky" while others leave unimpressed by the former White House intern. Finally, a proper glimpse and the identity of one 'Heat'ed celebrity is revealed: Ashley Judd is buying jewels." -- Merabelle

Wait! People were actually confusing Ashley Judd with Monica Lewinsky?! Clearly, dear one, it was not Ashley who was in the store, but rather, her bigger (and I mean, bigger) sister Wynonna. But then, what use would Wynonna have with jewels? Did she get tired of her Bedazzler?

"Gregoire, on Labor Day, my friend who works at The Housing Works Used Book Store on Crosby told me that Matt Dillon came in perusing for a book on Africa, cracking jokes with his posse, and saying very strange things like, 'Do you ever have a day when you don't want to bend over?' No, Matt, I don't." -- Anon.

I'm sure that in many of Matt's finest films -- including "Tex" and "Wild Things" -- he had to do a lot of bending over. Lifting boxes, picking up quarters, walking under low ceilings. Celebrities are required to bend over more than normal people, thus we should respect them when they request a day off from it. "Matt, you dropped your wallet. Don't worry! I'll pick it up for you!"

"Gregoire, you are going to love this one. Billy Baldwin came by Figaro's, a simple midtown after-work bar, to toast a departing employee, the director of PR for his Creative Coalition project, who was moving on to bigger and better things. (What's better than the Baldwin boys?) I was really touched that a celeb would attend such a function. I used to work next door and for my going-away celebration at Figaro's my boss didn't even show." -- Rebecca in Tribeca

The Baldwins aren't ones to burn bridges, dear reader, nor are they the sort to turn down booze under the auspices of "work." A Baldwin is nothing if not "one of the guys."

Until I introduce Janet Jackson,

Gregoire

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