Okay, if you just don't get this whole "Survivor" thing -- or, if you DO get it, but you're thoroughly sick of it -- skip the next couple of paragraphs and go straight to the latest (and freakiest) scoop on Winona Ryder and other fabulons. But frankly, readers, I'm obsessed with watching the ploys and schemes of 16 greedy people willing to eat rats and go without a proper ensemble for weeks in order to win one million dollars. Finally, on Wednesday, this heroin-like habit will be broken, as the winner will be revealed in a three-and-a-half hour festival of island greed. I think the last to go will be, in order: Sue, Kelly and Richard, with that disgusting, old, homophobe Rudy as the final winner. (People thirst to see an old man cry on TV!)

But who are the real winners of "Survivor"? Not these four wicked, unsightly finalists. Look for gorgeous Colleen Haskell to stick around in the public consciousness for a long time. In fact, Colleen may say she wants to go back to school, but I say give the girl a sitcom or an MTV show to host, post haste! (Just be sure to wear pants, darling; we don't need to see those scabby gams.)

I've got a bit more to say on this topic at the end of the column (about my speculation regarding a "Celebrity Survivor"), but onto news of a more lasting "survivor" of love...

Autumn In Ireland

No one's love life has been more turbulent and torrid than that of Winona Ryder. The gamine, waxen-skinned beauty has a list of ex-boyfriends longer than Vince Vaughn's intestines in "The Cell," and she's just added another unsuspecting dude to her list of loves. And what a dude he is! Babyfaced, white soul-man Beck has reportedly tossed his girlfriend of several years, Leigh Limon, in exchange for the fragile, porcelain-colored star of "Autumn In New York" and the upcoming flop "Lost Souls." The two have spent some time together liplocked in, of all places, Ireland, where they are holed up in a castle while Beck performs at a Dublin music festival.

Beck and Winona, in an Irish castle? Gregoire does not do drugs, yet right now I feel like I'm overdosing! Medic! Winona is a sort of Black Widow for musicians, as brief affairs with such rockers as Evan Dando of the Lemonheads and Dave Pirner of Soul Asylum have only insured the musicians' tumble into obscurity. Will her kiss spell doom for Beck's ubiquitous career? Trust me, I'll be paying close attention to this frazzled affair.

Memo to Breakup Girl's resident rockboy, Rob Paravonian: if Winona rings your buzzer, don't answer the door!

Girl Troubles

The big news in breakups this week is the tragic demise of America's premier lesbian duo, Ellen Degeneres and Anne Heche. This toe-headed pair broke ground in society pages everywhere when they were photographed kissing and holding hands alongside other short-lived straight couples in celeb-land, but it looks like those public displays of affection have come to an end. The duo said in a brief statement that the breakup is amicable and that they "value" their three year relationship. Sounds more like a contract expired than an actual emotional breakup!

Ellen, who was hilarious on her recent HBO comedy special, will hopefully find herself another galpal very soon, as she's a legend in my books, darlings. If not, I'll date her! As for Anne, I don't mean to seem, well, cynical, but is anybody willing to take bets that the next person she dates will be male? Nothing wrong with that mind you -- I mean, lots of my friends date males -- but it would add fuel to those rumors of Annie's opportunistic dating behavior.

Get His Motor Running

Worried your husband may have cheated on you? Then buy him a Harley! That is precisely what Melanie Griffith gave her hubbie Antonio Banderas on his 40th birthday last week. In fact, she surprised him by driving the motorcycle herself, right up to the door of her apartment as her overwhelmed husband and children looked on. Can you picture Melanie on the back of a hog, her blonde tresses tucked in a helmet while wearing Bob Mackie evening gown? I sure can!

Mel's birthday was the next day and what did Antonio get his little woman? A new car? A minivan? No, dear readers. Diamond earrings. Just diamond earrings. I mean, let's put these gifts on a scale and weigh 'em! Mel, I think it's a good idea to hire that private investigator now....

Celebrity Quote Of The Week

"I'm not that book-smart. I talk with small words. People don't have to use a dictionary. They understand me."
-- Anna-Nicole Smith, pontificating on her elaborate and comprehensive vocabulary.

(I know I keep mentioning Anna every week, but I'm just so elated to see her name in print. Anna-Nicole! Anna-Nicole! Anna-Nicole!)

G-Mail

"Dearest G, I am coming to you with a vicious rumor that I know only you could confirm or deny. Is it true that uber-spawn Kate Hudson is engaged to Black Crowes frontman Chris Robinson? Apparently, she was flashing a rock from the rock star on MTV. Say it ain't so! He's like the last American single rocker and the object of much lust (don't ask -- it's a sickness, I know) in the world of America!" -- Cryin' Crowe

I hate to take your heart and dash it onto the rocks of loneliness, dear one, but Chris and Kate are, in fact, planning on doing the matrimony thing, to the overjoyed approval of her parents Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn. (There's been some buzz that those two, by the way, may soon be parting ways, but I hope not. Goldie and Kurt are the B-movie romantic equivalent to Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward!) Before you slash your throat, however, let me remind you of how gorgeous and cool Kate is, especially since she has movie-star parents. If Chris couldn't have you, dear reader, he might as well have Kate!

SEEN!

--While rushing out the doors of the Rockefeller Center Banana Republic outlet -- my arms filled with tasteful blue-green sweaters and short-sleeve button-ups -- I spotted a completely made-up Brian Setzer in the lobby, smiling as he signed autographs from clueless tourists who shouted, "It's the guy from the Stray Cats!" (Forget his current project, The Brian Setzer Orchestra! It's all about what you were doing in 1984!) His hair was up, his threads were cool, and his mood was exhausted but low-key. I think he might have been eyeing some of my Banana articles, however. SCARY.

And here's a report from a member of the on-hiatus New York Glam-Quest team ...

"Gregoire, On Monday night at Grand Central's subway shuttle, Conan O'Brien serenaded everyone waiting for the subway, as he taped a skit for his show. Saturday, August 12, 9 p.m., on Sunset beach, Shelter Island: Howard Stern on a date with some blondie. Lots of hair, not a lot of conversation." -- Starr Brite

Also...

"Gregoire, I saw Dave Chappelle on Friday walking down Sullivan with an OK-looking woman. He was dressed real bummy, in sweatpants and old sneakers and not a clean-looking shirt. He looked real tired, too. Come on, he has an HBO special out! I would think with Sex and the City's fashion popularity they would have some sort of dress code for their other actors." -- Rebecca in Tribeca

Truth be told, I've seen Sarah Jessica Parker in sweatpants before, so obviously the HBO fashion police are not enforcing the stringent laws over there. Keep in mind, darling, that in Tribeca, the only people really allowed to wear sweatpants are celebrities. Normal people are arrested on the spot. So, let the famous express their rights and slum away!

--Don't ask why -- the reasons are sketchy -- but spies report that Muhammad Ali was in the women's lingerie department at Saks Fifth Avenue last week, performing magic tricks with a handkerchief for some excited female onlookers. He was assumedly with the women, though nobody's sure what possessed him to conjure a bit of sorcery so close to so many leggings and bustiers.

--If you were a millionaire, would you slather cement? That's a question one might ask when you hear that Susan Hawk, one of the final four "Survivor" contestants, was seen in Milwaukee at City Hall, delivering cement to construction workers there and proceeding to help workers baste the City Hall sidewalk with the stuff. Susan looked scruffy and wore a bandana, according to onlookers. What, no Ralph Lauren?

And speaking once again of "Survivor"....

Celebrity Survivor

Oh yes, the CBS reality series has been a diverting way to spend the summer. (I've been so distracted that I haven't paid a single bill!) But imagine how much more exciting it would have been had these "normal folks" already been celebrities. I mean, don't we have enough celebrities now anyway? Here's what I believe might be an accurate account of just such a scenario, involving a random cross-section of performers and singers, each vying to win one million dollars!

The Pashmina Tribe: Dennis Rodman, Winona Ryder, Beck, Sophia Loren, Don Knotts, Emily Watson, Penny Marshall, Alan Alda, "Downtown" Julie Brown, and Freddie Prinze Jr.

Day 1:

The tribe is forced to leap from a burning yacht off the coast of Majorca. Using a catamaran made of bamboo, they eventually land on a beach that is a reservoir for oil refineries. The shore is covered in dead fish and broken bottles. Julie Brown begins throwing up. Within five minutes of arriving, Sophia begs Pashmina to vote her off because she "misses her emeralds and rubies."

Immunity challenge: Must run a 50-meter dash in a tight, sequined evening gown. Dennis Rodman wins, receives immunity.

Tribal Council: Freddie Prinze Jr. employs an "alphabet strategy" and votes for Alda. Everyone else votes for whiny Sophia. Sophia Loren voted off island.

Day 2:

Winona and Beck become friendly with each other in the jungle. "We're not having sex!" Winona exclaims to the camera. Dennis Rodman brags about how lazy he is while spraying his hair aquamarine. Julie Brown vomits. Alan Alda goes to fish, catches two great white sharks, an entire school of barracuda, and an extinct coelacanth.

Immunity challenge: Name the last five Tony winners for Best Play. Penny gets the most right, naming two, and receives immunity.

Tribal Council: Freddie, employing "alphabet strategy," votes for Beck. Everyone else votes for Julie Brown, disgusted at seeing a celebrity throw up. "Downtown" Julie Brown voted off island.

Day 3:

Alda, Watson, Marshall and Knotts form a voting alliance. Everyone else acts coy, stupid, and young throughout the rest of episode.

Immunity challenge: Must see how long the castaways can go before calling their agent. Winona wins -- after "Autumn In New York," she has no agent -- and receives immunity.

Tribal Council: Freddie, employing "alphabet strategy," votes for Knotts. Ryder, Beck and Rodman vote for "weird" Marshall. The four Alliance members vote for Beck because he has started to smell bad. Beck voted off island.

Day 4:

Winona asks Dennis if he thinks there is a voting alliance. "Nah, who would do that?" says Dennis. Winona agrees, then discovers her legs covered in bloodsucking leeches.

Immunity challenge: Who makes the cleanest martini? Knotts wins immunity.

Tribal Council: Freddie votes for Marshall. Winona and Dennis vote for Watson. The voting alliance votes for Rodman. ("That queer's flirtin' with me!" exclaims Knotts.) Dennis Rodman voted off island.

Day 5:

Marshall reveals to Watson that she reminds her of "Shirley Feeney" and wants to be her best friend. Alda walks around nude and reveals that his genitalia are, in fact, digitized blurs. Freddie shaves his chest, eyebrows, head, inner ear.

Immunity challenge: Have one minute to find an Oscar-worthy movie in a stack of discarded screenplays. Watson wins, receives immunity.

Tribal Council: Prinze, employing "alphabetic strategy," votes for himself. To put him out of his misery, so does everyone else. Freddie Prinze Jr. voted off island.

Day 6:

"Hmm, I wonder if there is a voting alliance?" Ryder contemplates to herself. One leg is completely consumed by leeches and sand fleas. Knotts tells Alda he "never watched M*A*S*H, never will." Watson bats her eyes.

Immunity challenge: Must produce a believable British accent. Watson wins, receives immunity.

Tribal Council: Winona votes for Knotts. Voting alliance vote for Ryder. Winona Ryder voted off island.

Day 7:

Final episode, with two Tribal Councils and a final vote for the one million dollars, using the castoffs as a jury to decide the ultimate winner. Marshall and Watson get into a catfight for no reason. Alda backstabs. Knotts gripes.

Immunity challenge: Must seem composed while eating the flesh of disease-infested rats and drinking the blood of Kimodo dragons at a "glorious" dinner party. Watson wins (then vomits), receives immunity.

Tribal Council: Marshall votes for Watson anyway. ("That bitch!" she screams.) Other three vote Marshall off the island.

Day 8:

Alda wonders openly why Watson keeps winning Immunity Challenges. "It's like they're tailored to her skills. Could it be because she's the only pretty person left on the island?" he wonders. Knotts gripes.

Immunity challenge: Leap from the edge of a cliff and attempt to fly using materials found on the island. Watson wins (she conveniently finds a hanglider), receives immunity.

Tribal Council: Watson gets to choose which one of the remaining castaways she competes with during the Final Council. As she is sick of looking at Alda's digitized, blurry genitalia, she selects Knotts. Alan Alda voted off island.

Day 9:

Don Knotts and Emily Watson sit staring at each other in contempt. Nothing moves, not even the sea.

Final Tribal Council: Watson and Knotts deliver their cases to the Tribal Jury. "I should win the million dollars because I have more Oscar nominations than any of you!" Emily exclaims. "You can all roast in the flames of hell for all I care!" Knotts says. Final vote is cast. As none of the Jury has seen a single Emily Watson movie, everyone votes for Don Knotts, who wins the million dollars. Knotts flips everyone off as he leaves the island on a private jet.

The tribe has spoken.

Until Winona works her way through the entire male population,

Gregoire

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