Oh, forgive my flustered appearance, but I'm so busy being ME this week. On top of this old thing, the Gregoire message boards debut this week, where you can ruminate on things glamorous and glitzy with your the other stargazers in our little universe here. And you can also post any celeb sightings you might have had. (Now, don't lie, my dears. I can see a "Saw Julia Roberts making out with a homeless guy!!" post from a mile away, and can promptly delete the silly ones.)

And I'm performing once again at the Gotham Comedy Club with the rest of the stars of Breakup Girl Live this Thursday -- can you believe some gigantic hooked cane hasn't pulled me off stage yet? -- so I'm busily scraping up some last-minute gossip bits for that as well. Speaking of BG Live, let's begin with a little item on BG's special guest last month (and our favorite father-to-be) Jerry Seinfeld...

Celebrity Death Match

Now, Jerry was in absolutely best of spirits last month at BG's show (which was leaked to the press and ended up on the front page of the New York Observer, whoops!) but when he performed some similar material at the Comedy Cellar last week, things went a wee bit awry. It seems that comedienne Maiji DiGiorgio had a film crew in the house getting video footage for a documentary she was making about the art of stand-up.

However, she was tripping over Jerry's own film crew, who were there to document Jerry's new stuff only. So, Jerry, notoriously (and rightly) protective of his new material, had the club managers expell Maiji and crew from the club, reportedly "screaming at her berating her in public" according the Post. (BTW, Jerry's camera crews were also at the BG show as well. In fact, I accidentally spilled a drink on some of their electrical wires and almost burned the whole place down!)

Did it end there? Does Jerry Seinfeld wear a dress? The enraged Maiji promptly phoned up her boyfriend for some assistance. And, unfortunately for Jerry, her boyfriend wasn't David Hyde Pierce or David Spade or some other wispy lad, but rather Ken Simmons, an ex-boxer and former bodyguard for Mike Tyson. Simmons stormed right over and confront the stunned Seinfeld, threatening him and demanding an apology. Then, according to Ken anyway, Jerry "ran like a woman out of the club" to escape potential fisticuffs. (I hate to take sides here, but Jerry couldn't run like a woman if he were wearing a bra and giving birth at the same time.)

Believe it or not, who stopped Simmons from chasing after Jerry? Noneother than Colin Quinn, the throaty newscaster from Saturday Night Live. I don't know what on earth this tiny man did to stop Simmons -- poison darts? freshly baked cookies? -- but thank god Colin was there! Maybe Jerry will let you open for him, you know, as a precaution.

...Like The Corners Of My Mind...

Imagine an alternate-world scenario where Ken Simmons began threatening that other New York icon, Barbra Striesand, backstage at her final show at Madison Square Garden. Why, I don't believe she'd "run like a woman" either! The ultimate diva brought down the house at Madison Square Garden Thursday night at her what-she-claims-to-be final public performance ever, in a steamroller of a show that proved she could handily sweep away her imitators like Celine Dion. (For further Celine bashing, see the reader's letters below.)

And with tickets running as high as $2,500, you can imagine there were literally truckloads of celebrities interspersed in the front rows, as celebrities were practically the only people who could afford seeing her! Perked up and praising La Barbra were fans Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick, Glenn Close, Donna Karan (who must have gritted her teeth, because Barbra was wearing clothes of her own design that night, foregoing her Karan fetish), Brooke Shields, Billy Crystal, Jerry Stiller, Martha Stewart (whose house she and James Brolin were staying for the weekend), and her two biggest fans in the world Rosie O'Donnell (who's drool washed away the entire seventh row) and Jesse Jackson.

Wait! The Reverend Jesse Jackson?! Seems the former presidental candidate is so star-struck by the big-nosed belter that he even hung around back stage with her until 1:30 in the morning. And he's also prone to saying some pretty wacky things about Babs! "When she opens her mouth to sing, something else takes over," he says. (Yeah, her accountant!) He also proclaimed that her concert "was the ultimate ethnic experience." I don't know what the Reverend's been smoking, but give me some of that!

You think the lineup for her Thursday night show was something! On Wednesday, the crowd was spangled with such celebs as Isabella Rossellini, Bernadette Peters, Harvey Weinstein, Drew Barrymore, Tony Bennett, Tommy Motolla, Penny Marshall and Regis Philbin and his wife Joy, who came on the wrong night but were allowed to stay anyway.

The Birthday That Never Ends

The other bigger-than-life Babs, the one named Walters, has been granted exclusive rights from on-high to interview Streisand next month on Walters' show. I guess that's some big deal, right? Though ironically it seems Streisand was the only star NOT feted at Walter's group birthday party last week, held in honor for herself, "Superman" star Christopher Reeves, Ron Meyer, and Michael Douglas & Catherine Zeta-Jones. The place must have been aflame with birthday candles! Carefully weaving themselves around the hundreds of birthday cakes were such invitees as Oscar de la Renta, Jann Wenner, and former opera queen Beverly Sills.

What other things have Mike and Cathy been up to this week? (Yes, readers, I am aware of the fact that The G-Spot has become a virtual weekly planner for the couple. Can you blame me? I'm the magnet to their refrigerator door!) Well, they kept on celebrating their birthdays last Monday with a swell dinner at St. Regis Astor Court, where they entertained Sarah Ferguson with baby stories as Roseanne watched on from another table. Luckily, Cathy didn't feel the need to pull out the photos that she was getting framed last w eek at a photomat at 75th and Broadway. The photos were apparently of baby Dylan being held by his father... with his shirt off. Ack! Dr. Freud, your table is ready!!

SEEN!

We haven't seen Studio 54 financier/Euro-hotelier Ian Schrager on the glamour circuit for quite some time, but the opening of his new Hudson Hotel and its adjoining Hudson Cafeteria have give him reason to pop up out of hiding, where he joined such stars as Liz Hurley and Kyle MacLachlan last Thursday for a pre-opening dinner. I haven't yet been to this "Cafeteria" but I doubht Liz and Kyle were carting around trays picking out Jello bowls and plates of strained peas.

Speaking of Hurley, why is it that her upcoming film "Bedazzled" looks like the cheesiest film I will ever race to see on opening night? Perhaps that's what she was discussing with Denis Leary, with whom she was seen getting cozy in a corner booth at Serena's last week. As much as the concept of a Leary/Hurley couple excites me, don't jump to such fabulous conclusions quite yet. Though Liz later cheered on Dennis's team during a celebrity hockey match the next night, Leary is happily married. The two actually became pals during the filming of a movie in the Village last month. So relax.

Worlds collided last week at the Lava Lounge, and it wasn't pretty. Mira Magazine was throwing a bash that featured Marc Anthony sashaying through the VIP room with ladies in tow, while outside Oscar-nominated actress Sylvia Miles attempted to gain admission into the club. When the security guard would not allow Miles entry into the club she exclaimed "If it isn't Puffy Combs, you don't know who the hell it is. I was a film star before you were born, honey!" Such theatrics got her into the club but not the VIP room. Interestingly enough, this was the only party in Manhattan where Sir Puffums did NOT appear!

GREGOIRE, PART DEUX:
Portia Gripes about Calista's Closet,
and G-Mail Readers Defend their Gregoire!

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