Hillary's Wacky Week

If there were ever any question as to where New York Senate hopeful Hillary Clinton stands on the all-important issues of glamour and fun, you could have found the answer a few weeks ago at the Empire State Pride Agenda's annual fall dinner. Hill was the keynote speaker for the gay organization, hosted by "Party Of Five" star Mitchell Anderson. Unfortunately, she didn't bid in the silent auction (though the provocative Tom Of Finland leather-man artwork would have looked spectacular in her new Martha's Vineyard digs), rather, she stared appreciatively as she was serenaded by the New York Gay Men's Chorus. But Hillary's speech was the wackiest part of the evening, no contest. After mounting the podium, she began speaking of the government's "fun deficit" and suggested quite honestly that people should dress up in crazy costumes on Election Day, based on their favorite issues. For instance, people with concerns about the environment should dress like a tree. Excellent advice, Hill, let's turn Election Day into Marti Gras! Darling, how should I dress if my concern is abortion rights?

My spy at the event got the surprise of his life, however, when at the after-party, Hillary came up to him and said, "You look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?" The first lady, recognizing a nobody? Either the woman has a photographic memory, or she's picked up a superb way of mingling with strangers. (Too bad I didn't use this method at the "Dr. T" party. I might have figured out what the hell Farrah was on!) My spy, well possessed with alcoholic spirits and endowed with the driest of wits, responded, "And you are?" Oh, the laughs they had!

Seeing Hill surrounded by so much, er, gaiety must have been a uniquely surreal experience. What next for the Senate candidate, I wonder? A Victor Calderone dance single? A guest appearance on "Will And Grace" as Karen's college roommate?

A few days later, Hillary continued the surrealism at a roast for Mikhail Gorbachev at the penthouse of composer Denise Rich. This time the wackiness was all Mikey's. After recalling the death of his wife Raisa, the mood changed when somebody loudly cried out that "Dr. Quinn" was at the party. Mikey then noticed Jane Seymour and started calling her "Dr. Quinn" from the stage. Personally, I would have cried "Medicine Woman!!" Partiers Marc Anthony, Gabriel Byrne and Barbara Walters must have been choked with chuckles.

Later that evening, Mrs. Clinton attended the most absurd function yet -- a private 25th wedding anniversary dinner with her hubby Bill at their house in Chappaqua. Her gift to the President? Silver cuff links. You'd think knowing his randy ways she would have bought him silver handcuffs. Ah, love, even on the executive level!!

Celebrity Quote Of The Week

"I never dared tell him that I dreamed of him every night: [That] he would come to my bed to take me away to a desert island where we made love. He told me: 'If you really want to, I'll be the first,'" Dion writes. "And I answered him: 'You'll be the first. And the only.' "

-- Celine Dion, carrying the nightmarish schlock from her music over into her real life, in this quote detailing the attraction between her and her husband Rene Angelil, 26 years her senior. Look, I know I sound jaded, but for God's sake, she was an underage child when they first met! Stephen King couldn't write a scarier scenario than this!

Breakup At The Rodeo

Plump country legend Garth Brooks recently announced that he's divorcing from his wife Sandy after years of supposed marital bliss. But, like some bad lyric from a Conway Twitty ditty, could Garth have let another superstar get between him and his missus? The buzz suggests that Garth began having an affair with fellow yokel Trisha Yearwood in 1998 while they toured together, an assertion his spokespeople hastily deny. It would be foolish for two mega country stars to have such an illicit, delicious affair, but isn't country music all about simple-hearted controversy and cheatin'? If Garth is any kind of a country singer at all, he'll be able to milk this painful breakup for at least three or four albums. As long as he doesn't bring back Chris Gaines, I'm all for a Garth heartbreak box set! Get me to Wal-Mart, I'll order it now!

Until Farrah sits on my brown couch and completely disappears,

Gregoire

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