Graham Crackers!

Either blonde boutonniere Heather Graham has gone off the deep end or she's truly trying to collect every Hollywood hunk she can get her hands on. (Of course, if you looked like her, wouldn't you do the same thing?) On the outs with ex-beau Ed Burns (who reportedly broke up with her because she didn't like his sick dog) and already tired of her European fling Heath Ledger, she's recently been seen with Rufus Sewell, Heath's costar in the film "A Knight's Tale." Heather was at The Ivy in London with Rufus, and the two were spied frequently kissing each other from across the dinner table. But don't merely take my word for it. Who was also at the restaurant, watching the entire thing? Why, Elton John, who must have pulled out his binoculars.

Dancer In The Stark

Thank heavens Madonna hasn't lost her touch. And I'm not merely talking about her fabulous new album "Music," which dabbles in the French disco sound in the same way Madonna once dabbled in melted candle wax. I'm referring to the album release party in Los Angeles last Tuesday, where Maddie strode into the crowded celebrity-loaded function wearing a shirt that said "SNATCH" (ahem, it's the name of her boy Guy Ritchie's latest picture) and delighted in seeing her hand-selected male dancers -- actually three hot male porn stars -- wearing "Swarovski crystal-studded codpieces." (Hey, Maddie, I want those back. And make sure they're dry-cleaned!)

"McBeal" No Big Deal

And again, I ask, why would David Kelley ever pick Calista Flockhart over his drop-dead perfect wife Michelle Pfeiffer? To squelch that ridiculous rumor of a David/Calista coupling for good, Michelle is lashing out, claiming that she "just saw red" when she discovered that her two children, Claudia and John, actually heard the unfortunate gossip on a radio station on their way to school. "My kids' friends and teachers heard it. To say we were furious isn't strong enough," she sasses to Britain's Now Magazine. Shelly claims further that "Ally McBeal" is one of her favorite shows -- what else is she going to say? -- and that she has no jealousy toward Calista. Obviously, she shouldn't. Have you seen the men Calista falls for? Every time I hear a Calista/Garry Shandling sighting, I want to hurl an entire week's worth of lunch.

Celebrity Quotes Of The Week

"There's no permanent neurological damage, but she is going to have a big headache when she gets up."
-- one of "Survivor" contestant Sean Kenniff's few lines during his guest appearance on "Guiding Light"

"I get nostalgic for a time in my life before I was an empire."
-- Madonna during an AOL online chat

So do I, Maddie, so do I....

G-Mail

"Gregoire, your article on how Melissa Etheridge and Julie Cypher were built to last? Here it is, September 19th, and as of a 2:00 p.m. news story on ABC Radio, they have broken up! What is the scoop on this one?" -- Dreasono

Ugh! I did in fact proclaim that very fact regarding Melissa and Julie, and within weeks they announce a split! I should probably refrain from breaking couples up by proclaiming them "built to last" -- it seems that I jinxed the pair, who had never before displayed any serious problems. Now, ironically, the only celebrity lesbians in lasting relationships are the closeted ones! (You know, that acclaimed blonde actress known for her 80s film triumphs? She's had a solid relationship with her gal pal for almost ten years!) Makes you wonder if the pressure of being an "out" celebrity takes its toll....

"Gregoire, while attending Teen Magazine's Girl Rule 13 fashion show (for work), I saw Molly Shannon alone in the crowd. She was wearing an orange halter top and looked extremely pale. Some cameras were on her, but she ducked out before the show ended -- maybe she had another engagement or would you say ego trip." -- Rebecca in Tribeca

Oh, I wouldn't go that far, love. Maybe the various scary teen fashions on display motivated her to get sick of this whole "orange is the new black" thing that everybody's been doing and change into something less trendy, less halter-toppy.

"Gregoire, this is no hot tip, only one that states what an ignoramus you obviously are. I would expect the commentary from a gay man to be well thought out, but the slam you made on Celine Dion was inappropriate and had no basis in truth. If you had half a clue on what genuine talent is (and taste for that matter), the implication that Celine's music is nothing but "bad ballads" would stand for nothing. Her work isn't the same boring and repetitive din played on some stations these days; it has soul, feeling, and musicality. If you wish to make a comment like this in the future, perhaps you should take into consideration the amount of records sold, the price of a concert ticket, or how quickly the concerts sell out. I highly doubt that a stadium full of people rush to participate in listening to "bad ballads." Look at the facts, buddy, and think about what you express before doing so." -- Offended

Dear reader, thank you for leaping to the conclusion that just because I'm a gay man, I should rush blindly into the open arms of Celine Dion! I find it nauseating that I have to repeat this (as I've had to do with rabid *NSYNC and Britney Spears fans), but "the amount of records sold" and "how quickly concerts sell out" have no bearing whatsoever on quality. Based upon this logic, "Mission Impossible 2" will win the Academy Award for Best Picture, and the Harry Potter books are the best novels written in the last fifty years! Toni Morrison and J.D. Salinger, be damned! You wouldn't happen to be from Canada, would you? Believe it or not, in Canada, Elton John's "Candle In The Wind '97" is still in the Top Ten. Quality reigns there!

Until I wake from my ignoramusness to a world of never-ending Celine Dion,

Gregoire

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