Celebrity Quote Of The Week

"Why waste a $150,000-a-month clothing allowance on someone who buys secondhand clothes? Give it to me."
-- "Ally McBeal" star and clotheshorse Portia de Rossi, jealously commenting of the wardrobe budget of Calista Flockhart

Frankly, Portia, I don't blame you (what kind of an awful name is Portia, anyway?).* With Calista's needle-like build, you'd think $50 would provide enough fabric to last her all season!

*Uh, made up, we think. (Well, stolen from Shakespeare, at least.) According to reports, the Australian actress' real name is... ahem... Mandy Rogers. -ed.

G-Mail

"Gregoire, Sweetie, you're right. No self-respecting gay man would be a fan of Celine Dion, nor would any self-respecting Canadian. If only she would just get over herself and stay retired!" -- Heather

"Gregoire, Oh my god, I could not support you more in your statement regarding Celine Dion's vapid music. Your rebuttal to Offended was right on the mark. Offended almost made the point for you he or she obviously is unaware that the more popular something is, the more mediocre it is likely to be. I have wanted to write to you for a while, because I love your gossip, but alas, I live in North Carolina so I cannot report any celebrity sightings and have not had any other reason to write until now. God bless that misguided fool, 'Offended', for giving me an excuse.

Until Anna Nicole Smith appears in my town searching for a redneck hitman to off her stepson, -- Eva"

Readers, it's not the red wine. I'm officially blushing! I received a ton of reader mail in such an outpouring of love, such an outpouring of Celine Dion-bashing, in repsonse to last week's reader's letter questioning my own sanity. Though Celine-bashing is an easy game to play, it does bring the online community together in the spirit of togetherness and bad-pop hating. To quote that maligned Q-tip, to you dear readers, my heart will go on and on! And, Eva, speaking of Anna-Nicole...

"Gregoire, OH Happy Day! As I was waiting for my Imperial rolls at my local Vietnamese hang-out, I just happened to pick up a copy of what passes for a local paper. To my surprise and delight I read the article that gave hope to all gold-diggers everywhere: Anna Nicole Smith got her MONEY!

As I wiped away an emotional tear, I couldn't help but send a telepathic hug to li'l Anna. After all the humiliation, she is vindicated. Is it too much to hope for that you will be devoting some screen-space to this auspicious occasion??" -- Nela

Why, not at all! We should all rejoice in that fact that the courts granted the plus-sized model almost $500 million of her late husband's money, because this means that her monstrously absurd behaviors will only skyrocket into the stratosphere of the absolutely fabulous! While beloved family members of the man will receive just enough to eek out a sad, pathetic lifestyle, Anna-Nicole will be able to jetset without a care in the world. The public dementia of our Lady Smith has only just begun! Please stay tuned to this column for the LATEST chapter in Anna-Nicole's swervy, out-of-control life.

Oh, my curvacious, besequined freak, can I marry you?

Until Anna-Nicole mistakes Barbra Streisand for a bathroom towel attendant,

Gregoire

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