What sort of shenanigans can we expect from Anna Nicole Smith this week? Well, some mutts want to get her married... to LaToya Jackson's ex-husband! (Note: the previous sentence has never existed before in the history of written language.) Now, I've heard of being dogged by a matchmaker, but this latest news is simply barking up the wrong tree! It seems that Jackie Stallone, the mommy of Sylvester (who's latest flick "Get Carter" is a howler), has two particularly clairvoyant Doberman pinschers named Hannah and Rachel who can predict the outcomes of various events.

Their latest prediction however is that Jackie's pal Anna Nicole will soon fall in love with Jack Gordon, the former manager and hubbie of the equally strange LaToya Jackson. (Wow, Jack! You sure can pick 'em!) Anna actually had a flash of good sense a few years agao when Jack approached Anna asking to be her manager. She flatly refused -- I mean, look at LaToya's stellar career -- and has since steered herself into a late husband and over $499 million, all for her.

Ah, but the psychic dogs believe she should not be alone. Mrs. Stallone was advising Anna on her court case -- a case she claims the dogs predicted would be a landslide in her favor -- when she mentioned that the dogs also suggested a new love for the portly multi-millionaire. Sly's sly mom quickly dialed up Gordon and now claims proudly that the pair have been secretly dating for a couple months. She even claims the pair will get hitched by the end of the year.

Gordon himself has nothing but kind words for Anna. "We had dinner twice in Los Angeles," he said according to the Post. "I told her I'd marry her in the morning, and that was before she got the money." And this is supposed to make you charming? Of course, it would have been nice if Gordon, Jackie and her meddling dogs had informed Anna Nicole. According to her spokeperson, the hook-up is "an outrageous lie." But Anna, you must be mistaken! Why would the dogs lie?

Rupert Ruptures

Speaking of famous dogs, Rupert Everett's mutt was the source of much mayhem in the West Village last week. Seems Madonna's pal stopped into Mary's Restaurant (fab food, quaint atmos) while walking his dog, leaving the black lab outside, unleashed but very dignified. Some tourists -- clearly from some area of the world where dogs are chained with impunity -- saw the puppy and walked it up and down the street, looking for its owner.

When Rupert left the restaurant and couldn't find his animal, he nearly erupted! Eventually he tracked down the hapless tourists and nicely shredded them. When they asked if the dog was his, he replied "Yes, and don't look so perturbed!" Then, when they tried to backtrack and explain they were looking for its owner, Rupe calmly exclaimed, "Well, *he* lives here." For a dog owner, he's alarmingly catty!

Celebrity Quote Of The Week

"Getting to be friends with Kevin [Spacey] has been one of the best perks of being President."
- President Clinton, at a political fundraiser at the Supper Club. Later in the evening, Kev and Bill slapped each other on the back and shared a hug. And who said politics and entertainment don't mix!?

SEEN!

* The testosterone level on Madison Avenue rose to seriously toxic levels last week when Chyna (she of the Playboy spread and the manlike build) muscled her way into Robert Cavalli's slick boutique and bought herself some $2,500 jeans. Good Lord that's a lot of money for some fancy 501s! What were those jeans made out of -- endangered denim? Why spend so much on clothes that are eventually going to split in two anyway? You don't see The Incredible Hulk spending $2,500 on jeans!

* Hey, is that a float for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade? No, silly, it's just Pamela Anderson, strolling casually in high heels and an absurd amount of rouge with her boyfriend Marcus Schenkenberg, on their way to the "Live With Regis" set. The couple did stop for photographs from wild tourists, which is refreshingly cool of Pammie. Snap a flashbulb her way, and she's yours!

* Wacky Buddhists Uma Thurman and Ethan Hawke, taking a break from the baby, casually checked out the serene paintings of Hedy Klineman at the Tibet House, a favorite stop for famous spiritualists. Both still beautiful, both intelligent, both still in love. Hate them, hate them, *hate* them.

* At the midtown premiere of the stunningly bad Jackie Chan film "Legend Of Drunken Master," Mr. Chan showed up to greet his nutty fans and surprised Wesley Snipes with a big hug. Meanwhile, as the premiere was at Astor Plaza, just a couple blocks from the good ole HoJo here, I walked by as it was going on, not even realizing what the film was. "Legend Of Drunken Master?" I thought, "A fete? For me?!"

Until Jackie Stallone's dogs tell Anna Nicole to marry ME,

Gregoire

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