And Now for the Big Finish!

Oh, thank God! You got here just in time! We're in the home stretch of Glam-Quest 2000 and I'm pleased to say that both our New York and Los Angeles teams are exploding toward the finish line with some of their most provocative, most dazzling star-sightings yet! We've got Gwyneth at Blockbuster, Metallica buying cell phones, Marisa stoopin' it, and Sissy being sassy. But can New York dig out of a July-induced celebrity drought in time to reel in the win? Or have the Los Angeles fabulons already began celebrating with martinis and cigarillos at the Chateau Marmont? Here we go, once more into the fray!

TEAM L.A. - Reporting through July 31st
Points at end of last round: 911,600

Sighting #1: "Michael Chiklis ('The Commish,' 'Daddio') with his family on Ventura, goofing around in Sherman Oaks. Out for a stroll."

Had the Commish had a knish, I might'a given you double. I'm not a "Daddio" fan but that weird-looking boy on the show is a riot. He's bitchier than I am! Total points:10,000.

Sighting #2: "James Hetfield from Metallica, at Airtouch Cellular in Sherman Oaks with girlfriend. Very nice. Looking for a red phone cover for her. We talked about how it's probably easier to buy a car than to buy something at Airtouch. They make you put your name in and wait, even if you just want to buy a accessory. She had good Gucci sunglasses on."

I'm sorry, but talking cell phones with a member of Metallica? Super-surreal, if you ask me. This would easily obtain a Fellini Multiplier if you hadn't also talked to James, thus garnering in the more valuable Conversation Multiplier. Here's 10,000 times that Conversation Multiplier (6x), plus 2,500 more for talkin' tech with a rock icon. Total points: 62,500.

Sighting #3: "I got a glimpse of the creepiest/coolest man around town Sunday night....Robert Evans ['the Godfather,' 'Chinatown,' The Kid Stays In The Picture (a must read for wannabes), married to Ali McGraw, married to Catherine Oxenberg (12 days!), king of plastic surgery, king of working from his bed on pills and blow and old friend of, yes, Henry Kissinger] was looking particularly creepy as he headed into the Palm last night. The master, dressed in a beige poplin suit and wearing ageless oversize Foster Grants, was dropped off in front of the Palm (as I was at the valet) from his late 80s Jaguar by an assistant, when he looked at me. Fearing the horror of his numerous liver spots I attempted to avert my gaze....but bravely, in the name of eye contact and GQ2K, I stared at the freak until his eyes met mine. I then safely entered my SUV and went home to ponder my encounter."

Phew! Thank heavens you're all right. Look what happened to Henry Kissinger! That's a skeevy 10,000 points, times an Eye Contact Multiplier (5x) -- though it sounds like you pushed it a bit -- plus 1,000 for recognizing "beige poplin" from a distance. Total points: 51,000.

Sighting #4: "As I was finishing my breakfast at Doughboys a woman passed by me to go inside the restaurant. As I realized that it was Elizabeth Berkeley (need I say 'Showgirls'?) she turned around to come back out of the restaurant and she looked right at me with these REALLY REALLY GREEN EYES. They matched her green tie-dyed tank top exactly. (Maybe she got them together.) Long hair pulled back in a pony tail, tight blue jeans and light brown mules. She sat down to eat with some guy I did not recognize. Did I mention the REALLY GREEN EYES?"

Why is she still in Hollywood, for God's sake? She should be crossing her fingers just to be considered for the bottom left Hollywood Square, if you ask me. Tragic. And where is she getting money to get new eyeballs, I wonder? Call it 10,000 times a Green Eye Contact Multiplier (5x). Total points: 50,000.

Sighting #5: "Saturday night, Beverly Center movie theater. Going in to see 'What Lies Beneath' and in a throng of people exiting the previous show saw Devon Sawa (star of such memorable teen masterpieces as 'Idle Hands' and 'Final Destination'). He was tan and much better looking than he is on film. Eye contact was definitely made. He was holding hands with (I assume his girlfriend) Danielle Fishel (I looked up her name on IMDB), aka 'Topanga' on the cerebrally-challenged TGIF show 'Boy Meets World.' I enjoyed the fact that she is pleasantly plump (sort of jersey girl mall ratty) and, as my friend pointed out, vaguely reminiscent of 'Real World's' annoying Amaya. Nice to see pretty boys dating fat girls."

There's only one multiplier per sighting, so I can't apply the Nooky Multiplier or the Group Multiplier. And I'll ignore that "fat girls" comments. Its not like she's "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?" material! So she likes a little butter on her popcorn! Here's 10,000 for Devon, times an Eye Contact Multiplier (5x), plus 10,000 for Danielle. Total points: 60,000.

Sighting #6: "Well not at all exciting but at the movies yesterday... I don't know his name, Scottie Baldwin [Kin Shriner] from General Hospital and now he's on Port Charles?? He was seeing 'What Lies Beneath' and wearing black pants, black shoes, blue shirt."

Wow, don't the stars go to exclusive premieres anymore? Seems Kin and Devon's tickets to the "What Lies Beneath" premiere got accidentally left in the mail. (Actually, somehow they ended up in MY mailbox. Whoops!) Total points: 10,000.

Sighting #7: "Trey Parker at an art opening in downtown LA. Came in with a short blonde girl. Was wearing a black T-shirt with some dumb alien reference. Made complete eye contact at the bar. Admittedly, I thought it was the best-friend/cartoonist guy (Richard?) from 'Caroline in the City' and was trying to place when/where I knew him. Eye contact lasted a little too long and we were *both* creeped out. After figuring out who it was with help from a fellow LA teammate, I ran back into the gallery to try to make some conversation (point multiplier whore that I am) but I think I scared him off and he disappeared. Yeah, right. Like I'd ever stalk HIM?!? I just really wanted to get him to ask me how I am so I could answer, 'Super! Thanks for asking.'"

I love/hate those "creepy" moments with the glitterati, when they think they may know you and you think you know them, but, in fact, you only recoginize them for their fame and they recoginize you because you look like every other non-star. I had this once with Robert Deniro while he was walking his dog. Eye contact lasted so long he might have thought I was trying to pick him up. Ew. That's 10,000 times an Eye Contact Multiplier (5x). Total points for your bravery: 50,000.

Sighting #8: "Mel Harris (Thirtysomething') at Dan Tana's for dinner."

Oh my God, that reminds me. *I'm* thirtysomething! Waa! Total points: 10,000.

Sighting #9: "Chris Penn (brother of ex-Mr. Ciccone) for dinner. Wearing all black, holding a bag of leftovers and chatting with the maitre'd. At Dan Tana's (again). Eye contact for a very short time. I had to avert my gaze as his stature and girth are a bit intimidating."

Chris is an actor in his own right, having starred in such films as "Short Cuts," "Resevoir Dogs," "True Romance," and, most legendarily, "Footloose." But I'm soooo glad you've boiled his entire existence down to an indirect Madonna connection! I'll serve you the standard 10,000 and an extra 500 for being wicked. Total points: 10,500.

Sighting #10: "Saw Jamie Tarses at the Viper Room last Friday night watching a band (Sumack). I'm not sure if she counts as a celebrity; she was the youngest head of a network at ABC and was extremely controversial and demonized. (Lynn Hirshberg wrote a scathing profile of her in the NY Times Magazine a few years back which was widely praised and circulated in Hollywood). She was very pretty and looked really young. BUT definitely had the air of a bitchy, smug, popular rich girl in high school. No eye contact -- no speaking -- but was still able to sense her overall unpleasantness. Does getting a taste of a network head's bitchiness count as a multiplier?"

No multipliers for your "psychic bitch speedometer" however I'm sure that'll come in handy in your life. Jamie definitely counts, as she was romantically linked with some of the more familiar-looking men on her network. Why, if she was still at ABC, she'd be dating Regis Philbin by now! Total points: 10,000.

Sighting #11: "I just had a spotting here at work and I know it probably doesn't count but i've had a very slow week! I was getting into the elevator in my building and there were like 7 people getting on. Steve Martin was standing outside the elevator letting everyone on first and let me on and then asked me if I was going to sit in on their meeting. (everyone else was obviously with him). Does it count? Does it count? STEVE MARTIN!?"

I'm afraid this may not count as Stevie was there in a work capacity, as were you, and doesn't quite have the random, real-world astonishment of a real star-sighting. Of course, if instead of a meeting, however, he had asked if you were going to sit in his "red-hot jacuzzi of love," then I'd give you some bonus points and buy you dinner! Total points: 0.

Sighting #12: "Robin Williams making no attempt to be friendly (ie - no eye contact) at the Bel Air this morning. Maybe he would be cheerier if he still got to play Mrs. Doubtfire."

If you had stepped right up to him, proclaimed "This is for "'Patch Adams'! This is for 'Jakob the Liar'!" then socked him in the stomach, you, my love, would have gotten the brand-new Punish the Truly Evil Stars Multiplier (55x). Total points: 10,000.

[Note: Our legal counsel respectfully informs all Glam-Quest players that there actually is no Punish the Truly Evil Stars Multiplier. Thank you. -ed.]

Sighting #13: "Gwyneth Paltrow returning videos last Sunday at Tower on Sunset. She was a brassy blonde wearing jeans and a t-shirt with no bra. Hair a mess. I tripped on the curb in front of her because I was a mess."

Honey, that's nothing. True story, I once ripped my pants -- and, in fact, sustained a rather serious groin cut -- on the edge of a rusty trash can at the very moment I was making eye contact with a pre-"Romeo & Juliet" Leonardo DiCaprio. Had I not made this faux pas, I am quite sure that I would be married to Leo right now. That's 10,000 standard issue points, plus 2,500 Humiliation Compensation Points. Total points: 12,500.

Sighting #14: "Back in the elevators at Century City, I spied a young man trying very hard to be incognito but of course I knew he was someone. He is wearing one of those fishing hats and dark glasses (in an elevator) while he tries to read his book. So I ask, 'What are you reading?'......Instantly I know him.......I resist the urge to yell 'Cacaw, Cacaw,' a well known signal to him and everyone else who saw 'Bottle Rocket.' 'It is a biography of Elvis Presley,' he says as he looks at me. As I step out of the elevator, I remind him the King was no role model at the end and he agrees with me. Before the elevator closes, I tell young Owen Wilson that I like his movies and he politely says, 'Thanks, and you have a good day.'"

If I had been there, I would have forgone the conversation and felt his nose. I mean, that nose! It's the size and build of a baby's arm! My favorite three aberrations of fame: 1) Owen's nose, 2) Aaron Neville's birthmark, and 3) Enrique Iglesias's mole.That's a sleek and stylish 10,000 points times a Literary Conversation Multiplier (6x), plus 750 for subtly advising Owen not to go the way of Elvis! Total points: 60,750.

Sighting #15: "On my way to work this morning about 9:15 am on Beverly Blvd. I'm speeding down the street to get to work on time as usual and here's this j-walker running out into the street. I had to slam on my brakes. It wasn't until she said sorry that I realized it was Lori Loughlin behind the sunglasses with no makeup and print sundress. She was carrying a summer kind of purse (looked like a basket, probably the Kate Spade one)."

Once again, a member of the Los Angeles team almost manages to kill a celebrity! I will not award points for dead celebrities, unless they're dead in your front yard, at the ice cream parlor, or seeing the film "What Lies Beneath." Lori, by the way, was featured on "Full House," so maybe she does deserve to pay for that injustice to American pop culture in some way. Total points: 10,000.

Sighting #16: "I see Peter Krause at the gym every day. He is the guy from 'Sports Night' and played a Nazi I think on an episode of 'Seinfeld' years ago. I literally see him maybe 3 times a week and there's rarely anyone else in the gym so we have both eye contact and speech (as in: "hey"). He seems nice and has grown a little beard since the show was cancelled. i completely forgot that he was a celeb and hence qualifies as a "sighting" -- basically cuz to me he's just the grungy guy at the gym."

Glad to hear you're so "down" with the celebs that they're just "grungy guys at the gym." Maybe you should look around next time you're on that Stairmaster. You might be workin' it next to Mel or Julia or even Charo! I can give you a sweaty 10,000 points, times your Eye Contact Multiplier (5x). "Hey" is not a conversation; sorry. Total points: 50,000.

Total Points This Round: 467,250
Total Glam-Quest Points: 1,378,850

Scouring the very foundation of the City Of Angels in their quest for proximity to the famous, our LA team refuses to slow down... figuratively and (almost) literally! (Be especially proud of your Robert Evans sighting because that man is a FREAK.) Can New York, after a lackluster Week Three turnout, rend victory from the hands of the La-la Landers? Now is the moment of truth....

TEAM N.Y. - Reporting through July 31st
Points at the end of Last Round: 626,516

Sighting #1: "I saw Sissy Spacek in Tribeca this morning -- and my assistant saw Matt Dillon on the Upper West Side last week -- does that count?"

Sissy always counts, but Matty, that adorable 80s icon, has to have crossed your own sharp eyes, not that of your assistant's. However, I'll give you 200 Chutzpah Points for just oh-so-casually mentioning that you even had an assistant. Total points: 10,200.

Sighting #2: "Hope Davis (that pretty-in-a-dopey-way actress from Mumford) at some health food place on 7th Avenue."

Also starring off-Broadway in a play called "Spinning Into Butter." Who do I call to make this woman a huge star? LOVE. HER. Total points: 10,000.

Sighting #3: "Spotted a guy in a black suit who looked kinda like Alec Baldwin walking east on West 11th tonight around 11 p.m. Wrote him off as just a look alike, even though a bum I passed a second later said, 'Hey, you see Alec Baldwin?' Perhaps it was one of his older, fatter brothers? Who knows."

There are two constants in Manhattan: cockroaches and Baldwin brothers. Both are unwelcome dinner guests, though only one of them can be crushed with a loafer. As you're not really sure it was Mr. Kim Basinger, I'm not really sure I can count it. Total points: 0.

Sighting #4: "Five minutes later, however, the stars found me. Came home to find a clump of annoyingly beautiful people sitting on the steps of my building on West 11th, just past Hudson. Overflow from the Brazillian restaurant downstairs, no doubt. I grunted in that surly-New-Yorker- who-can't-be-bothered- with-jerks-clogging-his-stoop kinda way and then made solid eye contact with Marisa Tomei as I walked up the steps. Looked back over my shoulder and spotted Fisher Stevens as I went through the door. Although she's never stolen my heart in any of her movies, Marisa in real life was stunning -- truly beautiful, in that scar-my-eyeballs-and-soul-forever kind of way. Fisher Stevens, on the other hand, was unshaven and scraggly looking in a dorky Panama hat. I can hear them chatting even now through my open window. Eat your heart out, LA."

Perfection, darling! You would have won the game if, instead of Marisa merely sitting on your stoop, she had tried to sell you her Oscar... and you had politely said, "No thanks." Enjoy 10,000 points for Marisa times an Eye Contact Multiplier (5x), plus 10,000 for Fisher, plus 5,000 for letting the glam come to you. Total points: 65,000.

Sighting #5: "At the VIP reception at the Asian American International Film Festival last weekend, I bumped into Tony award winning playwright David Henry Hwang, who recently starred in a raucous infomercial spoof "Asian Pride Porn" (now viewable at AtomFilms.com). I shook his hand, chatted with him extensively, and even had my picture taken with him. Okay, I kinda knew him already. But he's a celebrity, right? And I spotted him, right?"

People, people, people! "I kinda knew him already"!? Unless you're Barbra and Elliot's son Jason Gould, friends and acquaintances don't count! Total points: 0.

Sighting #6: "Finally, this morning while brushing my teeth, I happened to look up and in the mirror caught site of... Me. Yes, incredibly enough, there I was, in living breathing color, that wildly talented, deeply charismatic New Yorker known and loved by literally tens... Me, Me, Me. Though my celebrity may be largely in my own mind, it is no less real that that conferred upon the yokels you see on the magazine racks and television tabloids. For like all New Yorkers, I radiate fame, glamor, and fabulosity, even when clipping my nose hairs and inspecting my hairline in my crumbling, mouse-infested West Village hovel. O, hope! O, fame! O, Manhattan! O, New York!"

O, desparate, pointless soul! Total points: 0.

Sighting #7: "First up: HULK HOGAN! Yes, the hulkster, absolutely spotted by ME! He is REALLY tall and has a wicked limp. And yes, he was wearing the schmatteh both times I saw him. The first time there was absolutely eye contact. A gaggle of teens was (were?) gawking outside restaurant; I breezed past them and came face-to-belly (he's very tall) with Hogan. It turned out the restaurant was closing, and his daughter turned around and said to me, "They aren't seating anyone else." I said, "Oh, no WAY!" in the overly enthusiastic tones of a Saturday-morning kiddie commercial. Later, we spotted him having a drink at a bar. Note: his wife looks exactly as you would expect the wife of a pro wrestler to look. Now, here's the problem with this sighting: I had it in the Bahamas, at a resort called the Atlantis (which is the most awesome/hideous/kickass place on earth!). Now, I think this should count, because the Bahamas are on the East coast and lots of NYers go there. Also because it ws my birthday. Also because it was HULK HOGAN fer chrissake."

No, it isn't a New York sighting per se but 1) this column went on location in Atlantis last year, so I'm familiar with its tacky-yet-strangely-star-filled opulence, 2) in this age of "The Rock," Hulk has become something of a visionary, and 3) honey, y'all need the points! A very charitable 10,000 points (never say Gregoire isn't magnanimous) times an Eye Contact Multiplier (5x), plus 10,000 for the second sighting, even though Atlantis is literally a fishbowl and it's impossible to escape anyone there. Total points: 60,000.

Sighting #8: "The next day I spotted a member of the LA Clippers basketball team, but I had to be told by a security guard who he was. I don't know which one. It's not like he was a Laker."

I cannot in good conscience count a Los Angeles sports star in a New York celeb sighting list. Especially when I don't have a name. Not that I would know him if you did have a name! Total points: 0.

Sighting #9: "OK, next up: Liev Scrieber. Or not. Breakup Girl insists it was him; I say, well, he was in Pastis and it looked like him, but tanner and thinner than I thought Scrieber was. So I just don't know. But Lynn says it was absolutely him. (This is along the lines of the Alec Baldwin sighting.)"

What makes this different from the aborted Alec Baldwin sighting above? Three things: 1) He's much more distinguishable than a Baldwin brother (though in dimmer light, he too could pass for one), 2) He's been spotted at Pastis before, believe it or not, and, most importantly, 3) BG said it was him. And trust me, she knows. Total points: 10,000.

Sighting #10: "Weird pop culture spotting: I saw these two girls, twins, on Blind Date. Then I saw them on a documentary about Barbie on the E! channel, as people on the street who just happen to be commenting about Barbie. I think that counts because it's so stupid."

Sorry, love. We have to draw the line somewhere. If I start counting "Blind Date" contestants, then I'll have to throw in all those "Wheel Of Fortune" and "Price Is Right" contestants as well. "I saw the Samoan woman whose breasts popped out of her tubetop!" Ah, no. Total points: 0.

Sighting #11: "Yesterday around dinnertime I caught sight of Adam Goldberg ('Saving Private Ryan') talking animatedly on his cell phone outside of Mama Buddha at W. 11th and Hudson. He was wearing a gray suit, and I noted his tie was unusually wide, although I can't recall the pattern. He was, indeed, wearing his trademark goatee."

Very nice, dear, and another score for ye olde members of the West Village Celebrity Sighters Club. You realize that Glenn Close just bought an apartment within feet of where Adam was standing, and that Uma Thurman was probably shaking out her rugs a couple blocks from there! It's glamour amongst the brownstones! Here's 10,000 points, plus 1,000 for spotting a Breakup Girl Fave. Total points: 11,000.

Sighting #12: "An amply bearded SNL's Will Farrell at Florent's bar. I walked by slowly enough to catch his eye. He gives Luke Perry a run for his money as 'most likely to star as Chewbacca in Star Wars, part two.' Lorne Michael would be better off just hiring me already. I don't grow facial hair so I'm more easily recognizable."

I'm not trying to make a point, but I've seen Will Farrell twice. Both times he was drinking at a bar. Then again, both times, I drinking at a bar! Pour yourself 10,000 points and add a dash of Eye Contact Multiplier (5x), sweetie. Total points: 50,000.

Sighting #13: "And now, the creme de la creme: I was heading downtown after the possible-Liev sighting and lo and behold I spotted Adrienne Shelley, an actress who was in a Hal Hartley movie called 'Trust.' She was the dewy, gorgeous teen who falls in love with Martin Donovan. No big deal, you say? But wait: I had (a) eye contact, then (b) personal contact, then (c) I told her about the celeb-spotting game and mentioned Breakup Girl. SCORE!

First I established who she was and complimented the movie, which I do genuinely love. Then I told her I would have said that anyway, but that she was also now going to be mentioned in the celeb-spotting game I was involved in. She and her 2 cohorts looked a little terrified, so I said, "Yeah, it's for my friend's web site on Oxygen," and she said, 'Oooh, Oxygen!' Then her friend said, 'So Adrienne counts as a celeb?' and I said 'Oh, of course, esp since the inventor of Pop Up Video counted.' She and her friends commented that it didn't seem like PUV could have an inventor, and it was an odd thing to have invented, and I said it beat inventing Spam, and Adrienne said, 'Oh, spam is cool, it makes a great gift to bring to a party.' 'Note to self," I said aloud. 'Don't invite Adrienne to next party.' Ha ha has all around.

So she was delightful and friendly and she ooohed over Oxygen. ALSO, her friend, a man with a shaved head, said, 'You should lie so you can win the game. Tell them I was Michael Stipe!' So I am. Pretending he was Michael Stipe. Just for fun. But he wasn't."

No need to justify Adrienne to me, oh angst-ridden celeb stalker. I simply adore "Trust" ... the movie, not the concept. Well done. Here's your 10,000 points, times a Conversation Multiplier (6x), plus 15,000 for officially spilling our game to a member of the glitterati (although, admittedly, a MINOR representative of the glitterati). Total points: 75,000.

Total Points This Round: 291,200
Total Points Overall: 917,716

So why is it that after four weeks of this game has New York FINALLY exhibited the raw sass and attitude that we Manhattanites are known for? Did the moist and muggy climate drive all our hometown celebs away? Has all that pesticide spraying for West Nile Virus muted our very zest for cosmopolitan living? Well, whatever changed, thank heavens! Not only -- in the eleventh hour -- did the Gotham City Gawkers round up some choice fabulons, but they also caught them in some rather kooky situations! Is it enough to overtake the Los Angeles team? And the winner is...

Glam-Quest 2000
GLAM CHAMPIONS

LOS ANGELES: 1,378,850
New York: 917,716

And it's Los Angeles is a photo finish! (Well, photo finish if you're using a wide-angle lens.) Congrats to Asher and his intrepid team of celeb sighters for upholding their city's finest tradition of probing into the lives of the fabulous. With this bravura crew combing the streets, we can be sure that rights-to-privacy and personal lives will continue to be crushed under the feet of the glam-questing throngs!

Asher ran his team with the prowess of a ruthless-yet-irresistable studio executive (think of an Asian Kevin Spacey in "Swimming with the Sharks" or maybe a shorter Tim Robbins from "The Player"). For all of his on-time and under-budget management skills, Captain Asher has won a subscription to the trashy tabloid of his choice (U.S. only please), plus a teeming box of Breakup Girl tchotchkes for his squadron of SUV-weilding star-hunters. Congratulations, Los Angeles! You showed us that (in July at least) the West Coast is the Best Coast!

And -- of course!! -- I have to thank Amy and her extraordinary Gotham City Gawkers for contributing so many (but just not quite enough) spectacular sightings. They took on this town at its drenched and desolate worst and wrung it for all the glamour it had. As a consolation gift, they get to have drinks with me here at the Hojo's next Thursday and -- as a single tear slips from their cheeks and into their Sidecars -- we'll tell each other all about the ones that got away.

And a very special thank you to all of you amateur star-spotters! You all get an extra 5,000 points for showing initiative and sending in your own encounters. I hope you all have a better sense today of what it means to be in the presence of true greatness. And I know that from now on you'll always crane for that eye contact, won't you? If our humble-yet-still- totally-fabulous diversion has given you nothing but the confidence to gaze into the sparkling abyss of fame, then I've done my job. (And I'm exhausted, really, sweethearts, so if you call and I'm at the day spa, just relax, I'll get back to you.)

So...! What does Hollywood do when it has a hit on its hands? Can you say, "Sequel?" Trust me, my pets, when I tell you there will be a rematch! Keep those celeb-addicted orbs glued to my column for future announcements. (You spunky readers might even get the chance to tip the scales next time around! What do you think about that?)

And, lastly, darlings, remember: you're only a celebrity if I say you are!

Until I look up and see you bearing down on me in your SUV,

Gregoire

Read the previous Glam-Quest 2000 report!

Begin with Glam-Quest Week One!!

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