It's Glam-Quest Week Two!

TEAM L.A. - Reporting through July 14
Points at the end of last week: 239,600

Sighting #1: "Me: Sunday Morning run along Benedict Canyon with my trusted mutt Harriet. Rounding the treacherous bend just north of Oliver Stone's compound. He: Middle America's favorite late night talk show host Jay Leno. Doing at least 15 above the posted 35 in a 1920s green Duesenberg Convertible. Interaction: A wave from both of us."

Good lord, you mean Jay's chin didn't sweep you and your trusted mutt right over that treacherous bend into the ravine below? That man has actually cleared snow from my driveway, just by nodding his head! I'll award 10,000 points, times an Eye Contact Multiplier (5x). Total points: 50,000.

Sighting #2: "Jacinda Barrett from 'The Real World, London' (the model), the cancelled WB series 'D.C.' and several guest appearances. Also named one of People magazine's 50 most beautiful people in 1997. She was sitting at Kings Road Cafe for quite some time reading the paper and having a latte. She looked so bad I barely recognized her. No makeup and her skin was terrible. Acne and blotches. She looked very tired and weathered for being 27. She was wearing a long sun dress."

Well, you try living with the stigma of being a former "Real World" housemate and tell me how good you look! You can't read a person for not being gorgeous 24-7; you can only nod at them solemnly and think "I knew them when...." Total points: 10,000.

Sighting #3: "Khandi Alexander from HBO's 'The Corner,' 'ER' (Dr. Benton's sister) and Newsradio (radio anchor Catherine Duke). She was getting her nails done at Lanny by my street. She never takes her sunglasses off and her voice is quite raspy. She was all in white and very nice talking to a young actress wannabe. She also talked about her church a lot which is in Hollywood. She mentioned she lives on Blackburn (my street)."

Total points: 10,000, plus a bonus 1,000 for obviously hitting up the woman's manicurist for information = 11,000.

Sighting #4: "Ray Romano ('Everybody loves Raymond') was at Sushi Nozawa for lunch."

Total points: 10,000. More, had you reported him a) choking or b) using either his hands or a fork.

Sighting #5: "Susan Sullivan (Greg's mom on 'Dharma and Greg') sighted at Poliform Los Angeles looking for a new bed. She likes the one with a bar over the top of it....why?"

She likes that design because she can hang her evening gowns and designer wear on the bar while she's having a champagne bath. This way, you don't get your clothes mussed before going to the Emmys! Total points: 10,000.

Sighting #6: "Debbie Morgan (Angie from 'All my Kids') in authentic African tribal gear going to a movie at the Beverly Connection."

Anybody who hasn't seen "Eve's Bayou" needs to stop right now -- I mean it, don't read another word! -- and go rent it, because Debbie plays a fabulous voodoo queen and she's hot, hot, HOT. Total points: 10,000, plus 2,000 for seeing this fabulon goin' Erykah Badu on us = 12,000.

Sighting #7: "George Clooney was walking with a pal on Valley Vista in Sherman Oaks. Turned and smiled."

Oooh, George out walking WITHOUT Mark Wahlberg? Is the marriage over? Total points: 10,000. (Sadly, I can't determine if the smile was accompanied with eye contact, so no multiplier for you.)

Sighting #8: "Long Duck Dong in the Coffee Bean on Main St. in Santa Monica, Sunday at around three-ish, with his boyfriend."

Lord, but this is a stretch, isn't it? Long Duck's about as big a celebrity these days -- in prominence, darlings, I mean in prominence! -- as I am. Evocative of a time and a place (a John Hughes matinee, mid-80s), but no multipliers, I'm afraid. Now, bring me Anthony Michael Hall in the same situation and then we'll talk. Total points: 10,000.

Sighting #9: "Last night on my way home from work at 6:44pm I saw Shawn Wayans (famous brother of Keenan, Marlon and Damon) and star of the #1 Movie in America 'Scary Movie.' He pulled up next to me in a brand new Black Lincoln Navigator and we made eye contact. I was thinking about how cute he is but he was just chowing down on his fingernails. He was wearing a red shirt and red stocking type cap with a little ponytail thing on top (like Middle East people). [Er, uh, darling, do you mean a fez?] We should get multipliers for the eye contact, nail-biting and the fact that he and his brother have the number 1 movie in American which broke the summer box office record."

Total Points: 10,000 with an Eye Contact Multiplier = 50,000. But honey you don't tell me what multipliers you should be receiving. I'll tell you! You get nothing! Okay, I'm kidding. That's 2,000 more for seeing the star in the week of his #1 opening weekend = 52,000.

Sighting #10: "Tom Bosley (Mr.C to you) at the Beverly Hills Hair Emporium, Umberto, on 7/13, in a washed silk printed shirt, khakis and grey, grey hair."

Does Tom Bosley have any hair left? Total points: 10,000 and about 100,000 more had you seen him taking out the trash.

Sighting #11: "When I went to pick up my dog at his kennel (humane, cageless, blah blah blah) -- who should be dropping off her dog for doggie daycare but Denise Richards. And I gotta tell you -- she is unbelievably beautiful. Like, just rolled out of bed, scrunchie in hair -- still gorgeous. She did have sort of big Porsche Carrera-type glasses that my grandma wears in Florida -- but maybe those are stylish (meta-style, ironic, whatever). I also spoke to her (as dog owners will do) about our dogs. She petted mine, I (ahem) petted hers. She has a cute/ugly Boston terrier with those thyroid eyes. And after she left, the women who worked at the kennel told me that she is one of the nicest people with dogs there. And that most stars have assistants drop off their dogs, but Denise is always there dropping off/picking up, etc. I don't know why this should be a big deal... but apparently among celebrity dog owners, active involvement in your dog's care is the exception, not the rule. Oh, and she also has great posture -- almost orthopedically correct -- like someone wearing a scoliosis brace. Like a ballerina. And she's tan and smooth and zit-free and she smells damn good."

Now THIS is a star sighting! Something that gives us insight into the celebrity, something that makes us, despite her talents, value her all the more. It lets us inside, and yet places her ever higher on that pedestal of glam. Total points: 10,000 with a Conversation Multiplier (6x) = 60,000, plus an additional 15,000 because her glamorous hands touched your dog = 75,000!

Sighting #12: "While jogging in Bronson Canyon, Ingo Rademacher (from 'General Hospital') jogged by. He was jogging shirtless, and we gave each other the usual jogger's nod you give to anyone you're jogging by."

Total Points: 10,000, plus a 2,500 partial-nudity Multiplier = 12,500. (Sorry, I know that jogger's nod, and I'd hardly call that full-fledged eye-contact)

Total Points This Round: 272,500
Total Points Overall: 512,100

Well! Our players in L.A. certainly took my advice and stepped up to the more glamorous denizens of that city with a smile. A couple of Eye Contact Multipliers let them more than double their score from last week! How did their counterparts do "back East"? Let's see.....

TEAM N.Y. - Reporting through July 14th
Points at the end of last week: 168,000

Sighting #1: "Spike Lee getting off a plane at LaGuardia. My friend said hello. Do I get points for contact?"

Uh, no. (I once said "Hi!" to Puff Daddy in an elevator and he didn't say a word back to me. Thus the veil of glamour was not pulled back, thus no "contact" was made. Same situation here, at least as described.) Total points: 10,000.

Sighting #2: "I spotted Billy Corgan from the Smashing Pumpkins late Friday evening at Lucky Strike cafe in Soho. I was having a bite with a friend when he walked in with two women (I think one was his wife.) They stood right next to us while they waited for a table. They were so polite and civilized even though they had to wait almost 10 minutes -- just kind of whispered to one another the whole time. After they were seated, I also saw what they ordered as the waiter carried their tray by us: looked like 2 burgers of some sort, turkey, veggie, who knows, and a bowl of pasta."

Oh lucky celeb sighter, I'm going to give you bonus points for reasons you couldn't have possibly known! I'll have to elaborate sometime about my unique connection to Mr. Corgan -- it involves my friendships with not one but two (!) of his former girlfriends -- but I will let you in on this personal experience. One time at a barbeque in Chicago, somewhere around 1992, I actually handed Mr. Corgan a paper plate and a veggie burger from the grill that I was manning. (Sans condiments I noted. No nonsense, even then!) It is so good to know that my well-prepared veggie burgers kept him on the path of vegetarianism up to this very day. So, you get 10,000 for the sighting, and an extra 15,000 for bringing back old memories. Ah, Billy, why have we grown old?! Total points: 25,000.

Sighting #3: "I saw the squeaky/scratchy voiced actress in those 1-800-FLOWERS commercials walking her dog Hudson and W. 12th. You know who I'm talking about -- she's the quirky blonde who talks about sending her brother a singing-chicken-telegram for his birthday last year. Then she talks about how she's wised up and is gonna send him a flower cake this year (which frankly stuns me, 'cause I don't see why a brother who doesn't dig singing chickens would swoon over a cutesy flower arrangement in the shape of a cake. But that's just me). No, I don't know her name. Her dog is a good lookin' mutt, rangy looking, mid-sized, brown."

I wish I could count this, but as you don't know the name of the celebrity -- and as I don't know who're you're talking about because I'm allergic to flowers -- then this hardly fits our definition of celebrity, I'm afraid. Total points: 0.

Sighting #4: "I saw Molly Shannon - twice! - walking up and down Hudson in the West Village. I think this was Wednesday? Molly seemed to shoot me a brief 'I sure hope this guy's not some freaky-deaky stalker'-stare the second time I passed her on the street. I did not attempt contact. I had a similar double sighting of Lili Taylor last year -- saw her on a train going uptown in the morning and saw her again on a downtown train a few hours later. Clearly discomfitting to her.

I'll give you 10,000 X 2 for a double Molly. (Hey, it's not like you saw her entering and leaving a bathroom. Hudson's a pretty long street!) What does Molly expect you to do? Take the long way around to avoid her? The record by the way -- speaking of Lili Taylor -- is the legendary Michael Rappaport sighting from last year's G-Spot where my spy, by happenstance, ran into him FOUR times in one day. Total points: 20,000.

Sighting #5: "Then I saw this dude who's in every Martin Scorcese film ever made walking down Hudson, also in the West Village. I see this guy all the time, actually. He lives in my nabe. He's the guy who gives Griffin Dunne his hamburger in 'After Hours.'"

That would be Victor Argo, dear. Total points: 10,000, but it might surprise him to realize he's a celebrity sighting.

Sighting #6: "Finally, this afternoon I bumped into internationally acclaimed photographer Richard Avedon at a hotdog stand on the Upper East side. I got a dog with onions. He got water. My Richard Avedon sighting involved shameless verbal sycophancy on my part and graceful and friendly repartee and handshaking on his. It's worth noting that Mr. Avedon looked great, with his distinctive mane of silver hair, and seemed genuinely pleased to be identified and briefly lauded. Wotta guy!"

You're going to love me darling.... Total points: 10,000 times a Conversation Multiplier (6x) = 60,000, plus an additional 10,000 for touching him AND 2,500 more for even recognizing him! (Photographers, even legendary ones, are a reclusive lot.) Total points: 72,500!!

Sighting #7: "I stopped home and then met my friends at UnPastis, Bar Pitti. It was there that the sightings began. Enjoying a glass of white wine and pasta -- later capping it off with an espresso and several spoonfuls of creme brulee -- was Stone Phillips, with whom I quickly made eye contact. Wow. I entertained the idea of going up to him and saying, "Hey, you're Dateline's Stone Phillips," so that he could respond in the affirmative. But my companion insisted he was on 20/20. She suggested saying, "Stone, I just wanted to say that I'm not only a big fan of your journalistic work/integrity, but also of your mustard plaid shirt." I opted out and let him walk away in search of my next victim."

Does he actually chew his food because I could SWEAR he has a fake jaw? With that jaw thingie and a mustard plaid -- mustard plaid! -- ensemble, he must have looked like a train wreck! This earns you 10,000 times an Eye Contact Multiplier (5x), plus a Mustard Plaid Random Numeral Bonus of 16. Total points: 50,016.

Sighting #8: "Walking an old bike was Michelle Pfiffer's ex, the short, funny-looking but always loveable Fisher Stevens. I smiled and made eye contact with one of his eyes and then changed positions so that I could make eye contact with the (lazy) other. He smiled again."

Girl, you are so bad! Lazy eyes are a problem faced by millions of Americans. Shame on you. Total points: 10,000 times a (lazy) Eye Contact Mulitplier (5x) = 50,000.

Sighting #9: "This morning, my walking companion stopped someone on the street to chat. Turns out it was Tad Low, freakish creator of Pop Up Video (see this article) with chin stud and all. We shmoozed, I shook his hand and made him laugh a few times. He talked in detail about the business divorce between him and Thompson/VH1. He told his side, and then we bid adieu."

Why am I counting this one and not the 1-800-FLOWERS woman, you ask? Well, 1) he's somewhat of a Gen-X "business legend," 2) while not a recognizable star per se, he has a distinctive look that is unmistakable to those in-the-know, 3) his name rhymes with Chad Lowe, and 4) any connection with Hilary Swank, however indirect, is fabu. Total points: 10,000 times a Conversation Mulitplier (6x), plus an additional 10,000 for touching him = 70,000.

Sighting #10: "I saw Andrea Thompson, this actress from 'NYPD Blue.' She looked really big-eyed and miserable about something. Spotted around 7:30 p.m. on 9th avenue."

Maybe she was depressed because they don't know how to write for women on that damn show! Total points: 10,000.

Total Points This Round: 317,516
Total Points Overall: 485,516

How dramatic! I feel like I've been just drenched in glamour, don't you? Did you all expect such glitz to just come spilling into your lives like this? Let's take a look at the big board and see how our intrepid celebrity seekers did this week....

Glam-Quest 2000 Week 2
Los Angeles: 512,100
New York: 485,516

So, New York closes the gap by winning this round, but the L.A. team retains the lead in the overall game and they're on pace to break a million points! I've greatly underestimated that smoky, sunny little city in the past, but the surfers and Silicon Valley freaks that comprise the West Coast roster have truly been pulling their weight. Brava! I'd watch it however: the New Yorkers are having fewer sightings but richer, more interpersonal ones. And I'm gettin' crazy with my bonus points!

Tune in next week for a whole new batch of celebrity encounters. And here's my challenge to the two teams: anyone that can find Loni Anderson will automatically receive a bonus 30,000 points! Go find her!

Until Denise Richards picks me up at the doggie salon,

Gregoire

Read the previous Glam-Quest 2000 report!

Read the next Glam-Quest 2000 report!

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