Just finished giving the Howard Johnson bartender my obligatory cocktail recap of the Keanu Reeves flick The Matrix. Seems reality as we know it is really a dream-induced sleep brought on by cantankerously bitchy computers, and Keanu stars as a techno messiah wearing lots of black designer clothes who is chosen to rescue humanity. Since Mr. Blank Eyes can't act his way out of a virtual paper bag, humankind better be shuttering. The question in The Matrix isn't whether Keanu can act or if he's gay, but rather did he mean for us to laugh at him when he did his faux Karate Kid moves? My answer is yes; Keanu makes me laugh so often, he must be a natural comedian!

WARNING: Cute Couple Alert

Ever-precious Julia Roberts was spotted in New York last week with her permanently attached stud Benjamin Bratt ordering ice creams and mochaccinos at a local restaurant. But get this: Julia brought her own soy milk and asked the waiter if they could use it to prepare her order. Very glad to see Julia eating better; the last time I saw her she looked so fragile as to crumple into a little ball o' glam. Soy vey! Meanwhile, new coupling Cameron Diaz and Jared Leto [BG love object, though not enough to compel her to see Prefontaine] were openly flirting with each other over a meal of sea bass and noodle cakes at a Soho hot spot. There's nothing like the salty smell of bass to warm the heart! Jar's been filming American Psycho in Toronto, while Cammy's been taking in Florida sun filming the latest Oliver Stone project, On Any Given Sunday. Glad to know meeting somebody halfway literally means chic Buddhist restaurants in this case.

Plug It In

My favorite sighting from the tabloids last week was the Post's discovery of Claire Danes, recovering from the horrendous box office of The Mod Squad, holed up in the stuffy confines of the New York Public Library. What was on the lovely young Yalie's reading list? A titillating journal article titled "Characteristics of Vibrator Use Among Women." Either Juliet's doing work on a randy women's study paper, or her toy boy Ben Lee's still on tour!

Noah's Glamour Arc

I'm still getting stray Oscar-night reports from the sunny coast. Seems the glitterati rushed to pair up like Noah on Viagra. Apparently at the Vanity Fair Oscar party, the sorely non-nominated Jim Carrey was drowning his sorrows in martinis and the sage wisdom of former model Carol Alt, with whom he later left. For a goofy-looking man, Jim's a regular sass magnet. Even goofier Jeff Goldblum, once the lanky paramour of Oscar's failed preshow hostess Geena Davis, was also seen at the party getting handsy with Pamela Anderson. Please dear Lord Jesus, make sure these two NEVER sleep together. Loser-but-winner-in-my-book Edward Norton [Hey, didn't he use to date Cameron? -- BG] invited Drew Barrymore to the Oscars but later was seen getting snuggly wuggly with Claire Furlani, the only reason to see Meet Joe Black. Timothy Hutton, who's been five minutes from obscurity for years now, escorted pillow-lipped Anjelina Jolie to the Miramax party, but methinks they're only friends because, really, where would dating Timothy Hutton get you these days? And my weird Oscar scoop of choice is the various sightings of Ben Affleck at the Miramax party flirting agressively -- and unsuccessfully -- with clueless diva Mariah Carey. (Ben's apparently not jiggy enough for Ms. Songbird.)

Gallo To The Gallows

Scary-looking CK1 model/film director Vincent Gallo has been previously linked to Jane Pratt, Daryl Hannah and Shalom Harlow, but it looks like the Buffalo 66 creator will be walking down the aisle with a woman named Bethany who's not a perky magazine editor, actress or model. Now answer me this: what's the magnetism? This man is a creepshow.

Stray Sights

-- At L.A's sparkle spot Asia de Cuba, diners were greeted with an odd assortment of celebrities dining at one table: Melissa Etheridge, Sarah McLachlan and all three Judds. And who's that boy with them? Could 90210's Jason Priestley be vying for a spot on either the Lilith Fair or 18th Annual Judds Reunion Tour?

-- Breakup Girl, being an icon for superwomen everywhere, flew in to catch the femi-glam at Ms. Magazine's relaunch party. Boss reports that Gloria Steinem was "oozing" with sex appeal, even at 65. "She's more Jane Fonda than Jane Fonda!" Then again, at times I'm more Jane Fonda than Jane Fonda.

-- So insignificant, but I was walking home very late and in my rush almost barreled into a woman who was intensely trying to fish out some candy from a pesky wrapper. Nodded an apology, smiled and then looked to find that it was Mercedes Reuhl who had the sweet tooth!

Until Gay-yawn!-ew Reeves wins an Oscar ... and my heart,

Gregoire

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