Don't tell her I told you this, but right now, Breakup Girl is just not herself. She's nibbling at the grilled cheese she normally gulps down, and she's ... gulping down the gimlets she normally sips with the delicate crooked-finger charm that lies beneath her tough superhero exterior.

Let me back up to five minutes ago. After we order our -- let's see, how would Breakup Mom say it in her adorable patois? -- noshes, I begin to fill BG in on the week's gossip (see below). Most of it. But when I get to my final item, I hesitate.

But BG, of course, can tell that I'm "withholding." She threatened to use the E! "Gossip Show" as a source if I didn't 'fess up first.

"Very well," I reply, pursing my lips around a final, bitter, sip of sour. "Jon Stewart is engaged."

BG, you see, happens to fancy the handsome and hilarious new host of The Daily Show With Jon Stewart (you go, Mr. Stewart's agent, for getting his name on the marquee). Well, maybe "fancy" is a delicate word for what is actually hardcore superhero lust. Not to mention a real gut feeling that things could actually work out between them.

And when I break the news, I see what writers mean when they say, "Her face fell."

Her face fell. "How could he do such a thing..." Breakup Girl looks at me searchingly, blue eyes clouded by super-tears, trying to take deep, calming breaths, "...without even meeting me first?"

No one likes to see their hero cry, and Gregoire -- though toughened by past incidents with fave dames Sally Field and Pat Schroeder -- does feel his heart melt like the bright soft cheese on his turkey burger. Thinking fast, I take her hand and promise to follow up on the recent e-mail circulating about Gwyneth's rabbinical ancestry to find out whether Ben, too, is of the tribe.

I think she feels better now.

Carrey In Love (Ew!)

In this summer's much-anticipated Andy Kaufman bio flick "Man In The Moon," the rubbery Jim Carrey plays the late comedian opposite the singer-actor-freak Courtney Love, who stars as Kaufman's lover. The on-screen relationship seems to have cultivated some off-screen affections as well. After a Hole performance in L.A. last Sunday, Carrey went to visit Love in her dressing room, and sources say the two were holed up for more than an hour together, with a virtual do-not-disturb sign -- in the form of Love's, er, quixotic temperament -- keeping the hounds at bay. The two had been spotted getting cozy as a tea cozy while the film was being made, but the backstage incident marks the first notable post-filming rendezvous. Personally, I think she's too much of a livewire for you to handle, baby, even though you're really good at making your face look like you're being electrocuted.

Some Guys Have All The Luck

Please don't ask why, but I went into one of those "angel stores" -- you know, filled with angel pillows and candles, inspirational scriptures carved in pencils, and fat, cherubic figurines -- to purchase a gift for my mother. The petite, precious boutique-in-the-clouds could hold only three people: the owner and two customers, who at this particular moment were: gossip legend Gregoire and rock legend Rod Stewart. I did not see what he was buying, though he seemed entranced by the angelic ... teddy bears (ew, deux). Methinks he was purchasing an item for his latest cherub, a blonde college student from Florida named Liana Verdaken. 29 years her senior, Rod fell for this waitress des cocktails while on tour. He flew Liana and her mother (also, presumably, decades younger than he) to his concert in Fort Lauderdale, then partied afterwards with four other female friends (also, presumably, blondes). Sources peg their first date to just days after the announcement of Rod's divorce from Rachel Hunter; Liana has not bothered to keep the affair private, running to an Orlando newspaper to declare her attraction and proclaim that if she didn't have classes to attend, she'd be touring with him! Liana, some advice: stay in school. But don't let Rod visit you there, or at work, honey, or your days will be numbered.

Otherwise Engaged

I don't think Breakup Girl watches Dawson's Creek, [I don't, but somehow I always know exactly what's going on. Same for Party of Five and The Practice. Weird. -- BG] so I don't think she'll care either way to hear that Meredith Monroe, who plays the annoying Andi on the show, is also engaged. All I know is that his name is Steve, and it probably isn't either Steve Winwood or Steve Martin.

Le Freak Nikita

I can't resist dropping a little scoop on "La Femme Nikita" star Peta Wilson, provided by one of my spies up north. Apparently Wilson was "stumbling around a Toronto award ceremony a few weeks ago stoned out of her mind," flirting with every man (or woman!) who came along. "I know this," my spy reports, "because she came on to both my (female) friend and her (male) date." I've heard from a couple other places that Wilson is hardly a beacon of chastity, but then, isn't that why we love her so on the hit USA Network series!?

Ray Of Wax

This isn't romance-related gossip, but it's too wacky to ignore. Madonna, who went grimly Geisha at this year's Grammy awards, had a hard time celebrating at her own post-party at Hollywood's Les Deux Cafe. She seemed to be having a ball at first, even grabbing a female guest and biting her on the cheek while Jenna Elfman, Billy Corgan, Ben Stiller and Jerry Seinfeld looked on in a moment worthy of some, er, biting caption in the late Spy magazine's Party Poop section. Later , while she danced with sperm donor Carlos Leon, a crazed partygoer suddenly grabbed her and attempted to cut in. Madonna at first calmly asked him to stop, but when he persisted, two beefy security guards threw him out, with the Material Girl cursing at him all the way to the door. If that weren't enough persecution, she was relaxing later in one of Le Deux fabulous couches when somebody knocked a candle thereupon, coating the singer with wax. (I'll bet it was a familiar feeling; remember "Body Of Evidence"?). Ingrid Casares and a couple party-paramedics dashed to her assistance, though the wax seemed pretty darn stuck in ther hair ( extensions?). Who knows?) Eventually, she left the party -- perhaps with an idea for a new look?

And now -- I'm off to find a new objet de distraction for our bereft Breakup Girl ...

Suggestions welcome. Do stop by.

Gregoire

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