S'MORES! Too scared to go camping? Eat the fireside faves -- complete with your own little pu-pu hibachi for marshmallow meltage -- at Xando (in NYC locations, at least).

THE DONKEY SHOW: A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DISCO. Boogie Nights meets De La Guarda meets Rocky Horror meets Roller Boogie meets the sartorial skeletons in your closet. Watch -- and dance along -- as Shakespeare's famed imp-casts-spell- and-boy-and-girl-lose-each-other- and-it-in-the-woods story unfolds on the dance floor of "Club Oberon."

SEE SPOT SUE. The New York Times reports that lawyers "are creating a new field of animal law with far more ambitious goals than traditionally weak anti-cruelty laws...[and to be] more than brief-writing counterparts of animal activists." Their endeavors: novel lawsuits, new legal scholarship, even new animal law courses at the prestigious Harvard and Georgetown law schools. Their intention, much like Breakup Dog's: to dismantle the American legal principle that animals are property and have no rights. Now if they would just file a class action suit on behalf of all of golden retrievers forced to wear bandanas.

WHEN YOU NEED MORE THAN A LOFTBUILDER. One of the rare and precious Single Women Columnists who can write about Being a Single Woman without making it clear in the process why she's still single, Self's Meghan Daum offers a classic this month on the "subtle indignity" of "the feeling that comes after establishing a happy, independent life only to discover you can't drag a heavy bookcase out to the curb, even with the help of your three most physically fit female friends." Sure, you can call a PMF (Platonic Male Friend) in a pinch, but "they usually don't cut it for this kind of help in the long term, and the reason they don't is simple: you're not sleeping with them." Anyway, you happy independent Meghans need a piano moved, you just call Breakup Girl. That's what Breakup Trainer is for. (You know, to help lift.)

"@_>_>_". Did you know that this, um, horticon means "a rose for you?" Okay, now don't use it. That and other -- seriously -- helpful info can be found in Cyberflirt: How to Attract Anyone, Anywhere On the World Wide Web. (I'd check here, too.)

GEEK SQUAD. Okay, I am so in love with these guys that I think I am going to break something on my computer.

THE HATING GAME. USA Today reports that shows like Change of Heart and The Blame Game have become runaway -- not as in "bride" -- hits. and Kinda makes me miss the good ol' days.

"IS HE INTERESTED?" Gotta letter from "Carina" this week that says: "I wonder if you think Johan (he I like) likes me!!" Hmm, dunno, Carina. Why not run him thru the what-his-moves-mean-o-matic -- penned by BG's fave rave married boy, Dan Zevin -- in this month's Mademoiselle? Let me know what happens.

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