NOT TONIGHT, I HAVE A WHEELBARROW. The 1999 Home & Garden Television Lifestyle Trends Report shows that men who call themselves "home enthusiasts" prefer yardwork to sex (52% to 47%). Makes it kinda tough to have an affair with the gardener.

OTHERWISE ENGAGED. Okay, I've mentioned it here before, but I finally finished reading it on vacation. Even people with little enthusiasm left to muster over real-life engagements will enjoy this narrator's account of hers ("He didn't kneel. It's unlikely that I would marry someone who did. From then on, I would live in fear of Whitman's Samplers. Tandem bicycles. Someone who knelt would need me to give up my name and bake pies while his aging mother cried out in pain from the next room.") -- and will also be reminded that, well, if you think your work is done when you've got the ring on your finger, you've got another think coming (like, think about giving the ring back).

THE BARBIE PRINTER. HP's new P-1220 comes with pink-glitter accents, Barbie Magic Hair Styler Software, and heart- and flower-shaped decals. Also, the typeface is much taller and thinner than most normal fonts.

WOMEN & LOVE. A new "owner's manual for the heart" from the author of -- one of BG's fave love-book titles -- Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay.

THE PARENT BOX. Kate's Paperie has come up with a nice big storage box that enables you to deconstruct the kid art palimpsest on your fridge for the summer. Hey, I can also use it to store the lifesize butcher-paper potrait my best friend just did of herself, entitled "Body by Breakup."

MONTY PYTHON SPEAKS. Curl up on your own with this new oral history of the legendary troupe in order to quell the urge to quote Python at length on a date. Which, as funny as MP may be, is never, ever okay.

WATCH OUT FOR THAT ANIMATED BIKINI WHALE! The B-52s have signed a deal with Stone Stanley Productions to develop a cartoon series a la 1960s live-action Batman meets Josie and the Pussycats. Hope they invite BG to their love shack!

BRIEF INTERVIEWS WITH HIDEOUS MEN. No, not a new no-frills personals service, har har; the latest from really-thick-book writer David Foster Wallace. The title story is sort of like HurlyBurly, only good.

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