DON'T FORGET YOUR PILL. A new memory-enhancing drug is being touted as a potential "Viagra for the mind," which I thought was already dirty enough.

MONICA 90210. Turns out Monica was not invited to her elementary schoolmate Tori Spelling's birthday party. Phew. Can you imagine how much worse she could have turned out?

KEEPING UP WITH THE JONESES. Paula and her husband have split. I'm sorry to hear that, but I saw it coming. No marriage can survive that level of involvement with The 700 Club.

A LITIGIOUS GOD. Speaking of frivolous lawsuits, a Syracuse court has thrown out a case filed by Donald Drusky, 63, blaming God for problems with his employer. The suit also named two presidents, 50 states, every American, all federal judges, and six US Congresses. So I guess you can't blame them for what happened to your last relationship, either.

SPONGE NO LONGER OBSOLETE; ERGO "SPONGEWORTHY" IS. New Jersey's Allandale Pharmaceuticals plans to bring back the Today Sponge (taken off the market for business reasons in 1995.), thereby reexpanding women's contraceptive options and narrowing their capacity to distinguish among potential partners.

"ABIDE WITH ME." There's a reading of this book on Tuesday (7 PM, Barnes & Noble, Lincoln Triangle) by super mega famous bestselling author E. Lynn Harris. And you thought Dumpzilla was BG's archnemesis.

SECOND ONLY TO A HOUSE CALL FROM BG. NYC breakup quarantines, take heart! Order a movie from Kozmo to mend/match your mood (say, Benji, or Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death) by 8 PM, and your buzzer will ring by 9. Add-ons include Ben & Jerry's, Twizzlers, Goobers, etc. Drop tape off in person or, if you're still, um, differently-soignee, pay an extra buck for a Kozmessenger to pick it up.

RENT-A-FAN. I hear that L.A.'s Rent-a-Fan Club will stage "fannings, " hired hordes who greet your loved ones at the airport seeking autographs and photos -- the most expensive ($4500) involves 30 "fans" (bitter Yale Drama grads?), a brass band, a limo, a red carpet, a tiara, roses and a cape. The organization apparently got its start at Tori Spelling's birthday party.

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