MEN EXPOSED: AMERICA UNDERCOVER. We've all heard enough about the Commander in Chief's, uh, Commander in Chief. Over to you, civilians. In this documentary -- premiering Monday, March 15 at 11 PM EST on HBO -- more than 20 men aged 17-73, debunking the "think with..." stereotype, disrobe and describe what they think about their most private parts. (1) Watch the film, and (2) interview the creators at BG's "A Date With..." Now's your chance, 'cause, well, don't hold your breath for the coffee table book.

PATERNITY WARD? British doctors now say it's scientifically possible for men to carry and bear children. But aren't they busy enough with their careers?

BALTHAZAR. The New York Times printed the "inside" reservations number -- 212-625-8665 -- on Wednesday. The velvet-rope curtain has lifted! Though I'm sure a new even-secreter Leo-line was up and humming by lunchtime

AN UNDERACHIEVER'S DIARY. Just out in paperback. It's a good thing the writing in this book -- a lesser-twin's lament -- is subtly, deftly, riotously brilliant. Otherwise I would be mentioning it just because I had a crush on the author in high school. NOW do you remember me, Ben?

WHO SAYS THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A FREE WEDDING? A Davenport, Iowa church is offering a free wedding and reception -- ham sandwiches and fixings -- to any couple willing to meet with the pastor beforehand to dicuss what to expect in marriage. Also, you have to tie the knot this Sunday! Last BG heard, there were still no takers. No one's even asked me.

PAY OFF STUDENT LOANS. Are you female, 5'10", athletic, SATs over good medical history? An infertile (also: tall, sporty, brainy) couple has advertised (anonymously) that they will pay $50,000 for your eggs (also: rich).

"DEAR AL." Former NY Senator Alfonse D'Amato has been tapped as the new advice columnist for George Magazine. I'm just gonna forward him all your pothole questions from now on, okay?

FEMAGRO. An Irish doctor has invented an herbal pill that evidently increases sex drives diminished by menopause (though the play on the word "aggro" makes it sound more like "sex drives diminished by surfing). Anyway, hmm. I thought all we needed was men on Viagra.

SHROOMS TO THE SWEET? U.S. patent 5,709,048: Barry Holtz, Ph.D., has invented a way to turn dehydrated mushrooms into a dark substance with a ... chocolaty flavor. Dr. Holtz explains that his process stimulates enzymes that form "volatile compounds that taste like chocolate." Well, okay. They've been telling us portobellos are burgers for years.

UNDERWARS. An associate professor at Miami University in Ohio has sued the school for forbidding him to wear his thong swimsuit at the university pool. Hey, Professor, try telling them it's "a dance."

ELIGIBLE BACHELOROPOULOS. George reads from his tell-all today at the Barnes & Noble in Rockefeller Center, 12;30-1:30 PM. If you date him, do not let him take notes.

NATALIA TORO. This 14-year-old senior -- got that? -- from Boulder won the Intel Science Talent Search for her research into the oscillation of neutrinos, which I believe to be some sort of health food cookie. She's the youngest winner ever, and my fave babe of the week. And yes, by the way, this is the contest formerly known as Westinghouse. Well, at least it's not Microsoft, but well, this development is hitting us hard at a time when we run the real risk of going to games at the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Yankee Stadium.

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