TIRZA'S WINE BATHS. This burlesque cabaret revives -- and pierces, and tattoos -- the ... burlesque cabaret of yesteryear in the famed, faded Coney Island (BG's fave place in NY). The onanistic oenophile who gave today's "girlie freak show" its name was known for, you know, bathing in wine. This week's show featured "Ula and Sarka: The Painproof Rubber Girls," who can walk on glass, put out cigarettes on their tongues, put their feet on top of their heads, and go through breakups unscathed. Okay, not that.

"HE'S ABDUCTED MY HEART." Current CD of choice in the Studio Apartment of Justice: Bree Sharp's A Cheap and Evil Girl, featuring the hit song about --  well, you solve the case: "Sitting like a mindless clone, wishing he would tap my phone, just to hear the breath of the man, the myth, the monotone ... I'll be waiting ... in Nevada ..."

WAFFLE HOUSE: THE SOUNDTRACK. According to Ron Rosenbaum of the New York Observer, Waffle House jukeboxes, "...in addition to featuring an integrated selection of country and soul and classic rock also offered country and soul versions of songs devoted to the Waffle House menu entrees including ... 'Nothin' in the World Beats Grits at the Waffle House' and other classics.'" They make a CD, Bree is outta here! (Rosenbaum also writes: "I hope I don't have to defend my affection for country music from genre snobs. I have a feeling readers of this column are secure enough in their intellectual self-image not to get all threatened by the notion that some of the best writing of any kind in American popular culture is being done in the country genre...". Okay, now he's abducted my heart!)

Q-T. In this month's Men's Health: "For those of us who crave the sex appeal of 007 without the responsibility of saving the world, there's Nogatech's USB Micro Cam ... the world's smallest and lightest digital video camera." It's almost as cool as BG and Betsy's butterly-clip-cam.

MUSTACHE SUMMER '99. Well, now that we know that a Full Cleveland has nothing to do with facial hair, I can also tell you that a "Cookie Duster" isn't dirty, either.

THE BEAST. This frat-boat leaves from NYC's South Street Seaport. Heavy metal soundtrack, 2800 horsepower... and Hulk Hogan as The Skipper! Way worth the 50-mph trip around the bottom of Manhattan, featuring -- never mind the Statue of Liberty -- a water-balloon battle with an enemy Beast. Also, you get really, really wet -- like, not log ride wet; REALLY wet -- which for some reason is really, really funny.

NATIONAL BAD POETRY DAY. This coming Wednesday! Hey, it's never too soon to start planning for its opposite.

ALLY Mc MUFFIN. Don't miss J.D. Heiman's new Us magazine story exposing Hollywood dieting as an"extreme sport."

TACKY FOOTBALL. Good news first: In October, two new Women's Professional Football League teams will play, well, each other. Bad news: they're called the Minnesota Vixens and the Lake Michigan Minx; and what with their Hooterian PR shots make the league look like, um, women's newest profession.

200 WAYS TO RAISE A GIRL'S SELF-ESTEEM. #201: Hire a new PR firm for the WPFL.

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