MISS PIGGY PERFUME. It's called -- what else? -- "Moi," and it has pride of place at the tippy-top of BG's birthday list (as of 1/22, 10 shopping days left!). You follow BG's advice, BG follows Miss Piggy's ("Never eat more than you can lift.") And how does "the other" Babe's main frog feel about the fragrance? "Hmmmm, let's see ... How should I put this?" Kermit mused to the Associated Press. "The perfume couldn't possibly make me love Miss Piggy any more than I do now."

AFFAIRS RARE. USA Today reports that a yet-unpublished study by the Center for AIDS Prevention Studies at the University of California, San Francisco, shows that about 24% of men and 14% of women have had extramarital sexual affairs -- figures much lower than the "going rate" of 50%. The President may be a less influential a role model than we'd thought.

FOOTBALL HERO CAKE. The current (February) issue of Woman's Day features this recipe for a cake shaped like a sandwich shaped like a football. Yeah. The "bread" is poundcake carved and frostinged into a football shape, and between the two layers are piles of "meats," "vegetables," and "cheeses" -- all rolling-pinned out of gumdrops, licorice, and Starburst (Ham Slice: "Roll out a strawberry Starburst to a 3-in. long oval. Arrange very narrow strips of gumdrop around edge and a few bits in middle for fat.") Ladies, make this for your man on Super Bowl Sunday, and he will say, "Wow, honey, thanks. But couldn't I have a cake, a sandwich, a football, and some candy?" Meanwhile, BG is still trying to figure out how to make "portobello mushrooms."

TINSELTOWN STUDIOS. The brand-new $15 million theme park dinner theater near Disneyland, where guests pay $45 to live the E!-fueled fantasy of receiving "exclusive" tickets to an ersatz awards gala, dodging paparazzi, signing autographs to screaming teens, hinting about their glamourous love lives to marauding reporters ... call it full-contact karaoke. Though BG feels for the actors who, in a no doubt embittering role reversal, are paid to fawn over tourists, she wishes she'd thought of (a) it, and (b) and a way to get out of going straight to hell for thinking of it. (Gregoire, however, is appalled. "I get treated like that for the price of a sloe gin fizz. Which, of course, is always on the house.")

THE NOKIA 9000iL COMMUNICATOR. Phones, faxes, e-mails, and surfs the Web! Want to call you-know-who, and visit breakupgirl.net to remind yourself why you shouldn't -- all in one!

SENATOR STEVEN R. JOHNSON/THE INDIANA SENATE. When the Kokomo Tribune outed his intern-al affair last September, he denied nothing. The New York Times reports that last Thursday, the Indiana Senate censured Johnson by dumping him from three powerful committees (notably, Ethics) and relocating his seat to the back of the chamber for the remaining two years of his term. Done. Life really is simpler in the heartland.

LESLEY FRIEDMAN. Ms. Friedman, a retired jillionaire whose age (30s or 40s) varies with her mood, has taken on finding a husband as a full-time second career: it's an actual business venture complete with a five year plan, consultants, the works. The Wall Street Journal reports that she promised a Democratic fundraiser she'd give the party $100,000 if he introduces her to the man she marries. Which just the kind of campaign finance reform proposal that Breakup Mom could really get behind.

PEANUT BUTTER & CO CAFE. Jam on over to this recently-opened shrine to the spread that held our lives together back when things were simple. Owner Lee Zalben grinds his own PB and pairs it with bananas, Fluff, Nutella, and, of course, J. Desserts feature Death by Peanut Butter: two scoops of gelato on a bed of peanut butter Cap'n Crunch, topped with whipped cream, peanut butter sauce, and peanut butter chips (serves one). This place is comfort-food-central for folks mourning the loss of the person who used to open up all the jars. It's also an ideal spot for an iffy first date: stall your way through awkward silences with the international hand signal for "I've got peanut butter stuck to the roof of my mouth." 240 Sullivan Street, NYC, 212/677-3995.

THE STATE OF THE UNION. The Ex-Boyfriend in Chief is back in our lives/living rooms this week. We should compartmentalize as well as he does and lend a serious ear.

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