Party Affiliation:
Fight for Your Right to Romance
continued from page one...

Where's the fire?

Your choice of venue is crucial. Your own domicile is the obvious choice. You exercise greater control here than anywhere else, and it's a very short commute to the bedroom. Some thoughts on entertaining in the home:

Do operate under the assumption that the contents of your medicine cabinet will fall under intense scrutiny. It is a fundamental and inalienable aspect of human nature to investigate other people's medicine cabinets, and let all those who have not thrown stones live in glass houses. If you don't want that hottie sending your dog's anti-fungal ointment out to the lab for analysis, you'd do well to remove anything disgusting, incriminating or embarrassing.

Put very valuable or delicate items away where they will not get broken or stolen. Nobody likes to think that the people they know are capable of boosting something, but they are. And breakable stuff has a tendency to get broken, especially in large groups.

Invite your neighbors. Unless you live in Melrose Place, they probably won't come, but they'll be less likely to get on the horn to the police and noise complaint department if you've made the effort.

If you find yourself standing in your living room approximately half an hour before guests are due to arrive, wondering if anyone is going to show up, congratulations. You are in distinguished company. Everyone who has ever thrown a party has had the Miss Haversham fantasy. Do yourself a favor and relax. People will show up, and if they don't, no one will be there to witness your ultimate humiliation.

At this point, you may be wondering: What are my responsibilities regarding the care and feeding of my guests?

Let people know in advance if you have pets. Many people have serious allergies to animals, and many more simply hate them. And unless you have a particularly well-behaved, people-loving, non-drooling type of beastie, you might want to consider alternate accommodation for him on the big night.

Please, please, please don't run out of booze. Nothing breaks up a party faster than the realization that there's nothing left in the liquor cabinet except the dregs at the bottom of a bottle of some opaque and obscure liqueur. Have plenty of non-alcoholic beverages on hand as well, and don't be stingy with accoutrements, either (cups, limes, tonic, soda, juice, ice). People will become less fanatical about a perfectly mixed drink as the evening progresses, but they shouldn't have to resort to something unacceptable. Alcohol keeps, and extra will not go to waste, we guarantee it. You should also have a close friend armed with a twenty and prepared to run out to the nearest all-night convenience store, in case of dire emergency.

New couples should be discouraged from making out in the corners, leaving everyone else to feel jaded and/or bad about themselves. Smacking the guilty with a rolled-up newspaper is a suitable way to handle infractions.

Food is tough. Don't put out anything that will 1) look repulsive in an hour (most wet things will look 100% horrifying after twenty minutes unless you dedicate your life to their care and maintenance), 2) be a gigantic pain in the ass to get out of your carpets and off your walls. In other words, no dips.

Seriously, now. If you live in a world where people need to drive an automobile to get home, it is your responsibility to make sure that people either leave your home in condition to drive or by another method of transportation. Period.

Closing time is closing time. It is perfectly acceptable to kick people out gently at the end of the night if they fail to understand that the party has ended. If they are sleeping, you don't owe them a damn thing and should leave them face-down in the street.

Where's that fire, again?

You may not feel comfortable entertaining in your own house, for whatever reason (it's a hovel, it's a tiny hovel, it's your parents' hovel, whatever.) If your own apartment or house is not a possibility, consider these fun, economical options:

Co-host the party with a friend, preferably one with a bigger and better apartment than your own. Double the fun, and the guest list. Widen horizons, increase options, reap rewards. Also: the party damage is done to someone else's house. You must shoulder more than your share of planning, setting up, and cleaning up by way of compensation, though.

Have a party at a bar. This sounds much more expensive and complicated than it is. Lots of small bars would be happy for the business ‚ especially early. Look for something newish and trying to establish a regular clientele. An after-work cocktail party at a small bar, with an open bar from 6 to 8, won't be too expensive. You'll look like a sport, and if the traffic is light during those hours anyway, you won't need a private room (and you never know who might walk in). People will eventually be driven out by hunger, and dinner will provide you with the perfect segue into the next portion of the evening with the person you've been chatting up.

Throw a barbecue or a picnic in a public park. Militantly enforce the repeated application of sunscreen, especially if this is one of those parties thrown exclusively to provide access to your crush. Become sweaty and revel in the stench of grilled meat in your hair and on your skin, then go home and have great sex followed by weird, melatonin-soaked dreams.

Party On... And On and On...

Throwing parties will beget invitations to other people's parties. The universe is generous that way. It is also true that nobody ever throws just one ‚ we think you'll find that it becomes addictive after a few successes. You'll get hooked on the strange alchemy that governs even the most meticulously planned occasion: people colliding, bouncing off one another, bouncing into you, or the side table with your favorite lamp on it.

Most importantly, have fun. If you do, then your guests will. And if your guests do, then you become the person who throws the awesome parties.

And that's when the person you've been looking for will come waltzing through the front door, chips in hand.

When she's not manufacturing sizzle, Laura Tucker is one of New York's premier gals-about-town. Most recently at the BTD, she wrote about going solo.

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