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The 'LA' in 'Hella Fine'

"LA Woman..."
--Jim Morrison, from that song "LA Woman"

by Brian Frazer

If you're in Los Angeles and are thinking of meeting some women, you might want to think again. The degree of difficulty is equivalent to an arthritic octogenarian playing level nine of Centipede. Unless you're a college student, the only two places to meet women here are AA meetings and the insides of Porsches. In other words, sans alcohol or money, finding a woman is like finding a chicklet (peppermint, not the brightly colored green ones) in the snow.
Since nearly everyone in this smog-filled city is in the entertainment biz, it doesn't even help that much to have a cool job or have sold a screenplay. In fact, if you're at a party, it's better just to say you're a plumber or something. You'll get a lot more attention ... and respect.

True story: A friend of mine, who has written for quite a few television shows, was out of work for a while and had to support himself selling porn over the phone for some porn conglomerate. Far more people were interested in speaking with him at parties when he had that lowly task than when he was at his network sitcom job.

I'd say the best place to meet that "special someone" is at one of the upscale health food stores. I particularly recommend Erewhon (7660 Beverly Blvd. 323-937-0777). With its supermarket-size and its wide variety, the place is always packed with prospective girlfriends. (And, if they know you care about your health, then at least they know you give a damn about something, which puts you way ahead of most Angelinos.

Another great place to meet women is the SPCA. You won't actually meet them there, but once you adopt some Schnauzer (who will be as grateful to you for saving his life as you will be to him for saving your love life) and walk along the beach, you'll meet plenty. Added bonus: if the dog is cute (forget about what you look like, the canine supercedes that), you'll need a new rolodex just for your "dog friends."

Mercifully, once you've managed to start dating somebody regularly, the city does offer plenty of places to take them.

The Getty Center

What could be more romantic than a museum (besides a day spa, candlelit dinner, and four or five other things that I know you're well aware of...)? You can walk with your date, point to a Cezanne, and say, "Hey, lookie there! It's a Cezanne!" When she's impressed by that, whip out your Sharpie, draw a mustache on the painting, and say, "There, that's better." The best part of the experience is that you get to ride the futuristic tram which takes you from the parking lot to the main museum. Just one hard rule to remember when in any art gallery: you break it; you bought it!

"You've had it in your water, now find out what it tastes like by itself!"
--Brian Frazer coming up with a possible slogan for the next place he's describing.

When you find yourself staring into the eyes of a loved one and the only thing between the two of you are oxygen tubes running into her nose, you're either trying to decide whether your great aunt should be euthanized or hanging out at the city's hot new date spot, The Oxygen Bar*.
Add some overpriced, gimmicky, nonalcoholic health drinks that claim to be aphrodisiacs or have other magical powers (like the special beverage that will cut your crossword puzzle time by 18%), and you've got yourself a story you can tell the kids about someday. (If you ever find somebody to have kids with!)

*Not to be confused with the Nitroglycerin Bar which is slightly more dangerous ... and expensive.

Nothing goes better with oxygen than sushi! So, c'mon, let's go get some, for cryin' out loud! For selection and a festive atmosphere, there's no better place to eat overpriced raw fish than Miyagi's. There are three levels of mayhem. If you just want to eat and look at people, then check out the ground level (or go to Arby's). If all-you-can-eat sushi sounds more appealing, then move on up to the second floor. And, if there's no place you'd rather be than on a dance floor hearing Britney Spears blasted (not her, her song) while holding a sake in one hand and smelt roe in the other, then head on up to the top floor (or go to Arby's and bring a boom box, some sake, and some smelt roe).

Brian Frazer has written for The Tom Green Show, David Letterman, and MadTV. All 2000 models of Brian will come equipped with passenger-side air bags and complimentary oxygen (while supplies last).0

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