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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have dealt with this problem as best as I could. I have ventured so far as to use your lovely message board, and yet, I find myself at a point of such necessity that advice from the superhero herself must be sought.

I introduced my best friend to my guy friend. My best friend started to have a crush on my guy friend at the same time she had a crush on another guy. I also liked my guy friend but backed off, figuring it would just be easier to let her go for him. Part of this insane move was because I had a low self image at the time. After two months, I learn my guy friend has feelings for me. I have feelings for him. My best friend, after I told her that if she didn't want me to date him then I wouldn't, told us to go for it. We did. We are now happy. Three months have just passed for us.

For a while, my best friend was fine hanging out with us as a couple and finally got adjusted and used to the idea. I thought things were going okay, that we had reached some Zen-like peace until she informed me, a month or so into my relationship, that she didn't like the PDA (Public Displays of Affection). She went so far as to complain about this to the point that she declared our friendship over since I wouldn't relent on the issue.

Now, BG, I know you're a big promoter of compromise when possible over outright conflict. I am too, but all my boyfriend and I do in front of people is hold hand, or sometimes he has his arm around me. What bothers me about the situation is my friend was friends with a couple, at the time, that did far more than what we did in front of people. These people did some serious stuff that is better off remaining unsaid in a public forum. Furthermore, to prove her point she went so far as to discuss events for which she was not present to use as evidence that our PDA was out of control. The events which she described as hearing were nothing close to the truth, and she refused to except the truth from the horse with the mouth. We were finally able to get over the issue, and she relinquished her statement of our dissolved friendship. Again, I thought we had reached a Zen-like peace until she informs me that again the PDA bothered her. By this point our PDA had gone to such levels that I was afraid to touch my boyfriend's shoulder to get him to turn around so I could ask him what he wanted to drink with the traditional pepperoni pizza we were in the habit of eating in a local restaurant. I was afraid to hold his hand because what if it offended her? Would she call off our friendship again?

Two weeks after she had informed me of this she again brought up events for which she was not present, and again I found myself standing ground defensively with the statement, "But you know people who are so much worse than we are!" Yet she insists they are not. She even canceled plans with my boyfriend and me to play pool with her potential boyfriend because we are "too much like a couple." She made those plans with my sister, with whom she is also friends, because my sister and her boyfriend are "more like friends." Now my question, O Mighty Goddess of Broken Hearts, do I never touch my boyfriend in any way when my friend is around for fear of setting her off? Do I lower the PDA even more so I only hold his hand five minutes for every two hours, or do I forever do things with my friend separately from my boyfriend so there is no chance of setting her off? Or should I dismiss it as a matter of slight jealousy? She's been decent lately, but I'm afraid that's also because she hasn't seen the two of us together for an extended amount of time.

--PDA Girl

Dear PDA Girl,

Couples are not allowed to engage in: PDG (...of Groping), PDTMI (... of Too Much Information, such as a real-time recounting of their hilarious search for new valances), and PDPN (...of Pet Names, such as 'Doodlebug," or "Noriega"), or, above all, PDCOFOG (...of Complete Obliviousness to the Fact that they are Out with a Group).

Minor handholding and pepperoni-pairing (though I know that sounds dirty) are all well within bounds -- even around someone with a pending crush. Especially someone who said, "Nnn, rlly, ggggfff itttt." ("No, really, go for it" with stiff upper lip.)

But should you D even less A around Miss NSZ (Not So Zen)? Well, that's NZP (Not Ze Point). She is so out of line that there's clearly something bigger going on, either between her and you (grammar weirdness?) or between her and her. If she really can't deal with seeing you two together, that's her prerogative -- and her responsibility to pipe up and say she'd rather hang with you one on one. But if she's willing to let your friendship RINSZP (...Not So Zen Peace) over this, well -- never mind negotiating degrees of D -- that is what you should talk about.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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