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SHOUTOUTS

To Extra Expectations from Michael:

OK, so he doesn't express his feelings the way YOU might express them (or the way you might want them expressed to you). The thing to look for here is: is he expressing them in some OTHER way? That fancy-schmancy dinner he made sounds very much like an "expression of feeling," but in HIS way. Guys tend (broad generalization here) to DO things to show how they feel; women tend to SAY things (and I hope BG forgives me for this decidedly Mars/Venus distinction). So instead of looking for him to spout forth with purple prose extolling his love for you, take a look at him from a different angle. From the way you describe him, it sounds like he's saying plenty already.

BG responds: After a brief interlude of pouting silently in my Cave, I forgive you.

To Sniffey from Lori:

If you think you're devastated, how do you think your poor puppy feels? Dump the mean ol' jerk and go live with someone who really loves you -- your puppy! Not to rant and rave, but ... okay, I will. People must realize and accept the HUGE responsibility of owning a pet ... which includes NOT getting rid of them on a whim to satisfy a man who'd rather have a "breed he likes better." As a "foster mom" for my area Humane Society, I see too many pets abandoned for reasons like the problem Sniffey wrote about. Thanks, BG, for sticking up for our four-legged pals.

BG responds: Actually, Sniffey's owner wrote. Bet you are a good mom.

To Mr. Not Feeling Like A Very Nice Guy from John:

Okay, you're not happy. But before you break up with your girlfriend, spend some time trying to figure out if you're unhappy in general and laying it at the feet of your relationship, saying "being in love means being happy all the time, I know, I saw it in the movies, so if I'm not happy I must not be in love." It's possible that you're not in love. But maybe you're just not happy.

Also to Mr. Not...Nice Guy from Carleen:

OK, I've been on the "girl" end of this. You know what? Don't wait to tell her of your lack of feelings! The guy I was with waited two years (he said that I was too "nice" to break up with sooner)! The fact that he would lead me on was more painful than the breakup! Yes, it hurt me a lot, but I certainly didn't want to be with someone who wasn't in love with me. I wish he had told me sooner because I could have moved on more quickly. A truly "nice" guy will be honest! Yes, when he did tell me that I wasn't "the one," it hurt A LOT, but I got over it and appreciated his honesty. I would have been much more hurt if he had stayed with me out of some sense of obligation. So, you owe it to her to tell her and be prepared for it hurting her. However, that is what is best in the long run. As for you: call me overly romantic, but I believe that when love calls, you will know it. When you find that, grab on to it and hold it for dear life. However, on the off chance that you are not letting yourself be open to that with your current girlfriend whom you don't think you "love," please realize that "love" isn't always sparks and infatuation. Sometimes it is something more calm and comforting. Don't let something that might be love slip by just because it isn't instantly exciting. From my experience, the more calm types of love are the most satisfying. I guess my point is that if you constantly look for excitement, you might mistake that for love and get disappointed. So, go with your feelings, be honest with them to yourself and your partner, but don't totally shut yourself off either. Be open to love, but don't look for it. It will find you. That is my motto. In the meantime, be honest, and then even if it hurts someone, you can still honestly say that you are a "nice" guy.

To Still Believing from Katherine:

About three years ago, I was going through the same situation. I went against my friends' advice, even though I'd been hurt before. Why? Because I had that little feeling that told me he was worth it, AND we cleared the air and figured out in advance how and why it would be different the second time around. It hasn't always been perfect, but it's been pretty close. We have issues like any other couple, but we haven't even come close to making the same mistakes we did the first time. If you know you've both learned from the past, then it's worth a shot. No guarantees, but I'm living proof that it can work, and work well, after bad timing messed it up the first time. Go for it. And promise yourself no regrets. It is worth it, win or lose.

To Lesley from Matilda:

Man, was I you! Had the exact same situation. Wonderful guy who was my best friend and whom I would turn to for everything. Hang out all the time to do nothing else than just play. No sex but some serious flirting was going on.

Everyone, our friends AND family, thought we would end up together, but WE didn't want to jeopardize the friendship. Somehow we justified it by telling ourselves that it was the most mature decision that we could have made. When it came down to it, it was the STUPIDEST decision that we ever made. He was the man that I always wanted in my life, and I convinced myself that it was preferable to not risk anything and not get hurt than take a chance on a romantic relationship.

Honey, pounce as soon as you can or else you be you will regret it the day he gets married to someone else, and you aren't even at the wedding because his new wife can't stomach you. Do not let this happen to you. If it doesn't work out, you will be able to move on. If you don't say anything you will think about him and your own cowardice till the bitter end. You might find someone else, and you will find happiness, but that tug at your heart, no matter how faint, will always be there when you think of him.

To BG from David:

You wrote: "I will say that there's probably a bit of the Transitive Property of Virginity going on here, in which the following faulty logic is at work:

1. I would lose my virginity only in a worthwhile relationship.

2. I lost my virginity in this relationship. Therefore:

3. This must be a worthwhile relationship."

Speaking as a math geek here (got my masters in the subject), that's not the transitive property. Transitivity is A=B, B=C, therefore A=C. What you're looking at here, however, is a classic modus pennons [sic] construction:

A -> B

A Therefore B.

The two forms are related, but not identical. If you wanted to have a transitive rule of love, you could have something like "I love him. He loves his mom. So I must love his mom, right?" Having said all that, hey, poetic license. Call it what you want.

BG responds: Yeah, you're right. You must love his mom. Also, you're right that my TPV is not quite the Transitive Property. Fair enough. Oh, but -- speaking as a language geek -- it's "modus ponens."

(But hey, ponens license.)

(Therefore BG=big obnoxious jerk!)

Oh, I am so just geek-joshing with you, David! Thanks for the egg-heads-up.

Also to BG from Deborah:

On this week's subject of bad boys: there is a theory that postulates the curious effect of Bad Boys/Grrls. The theory goes something like this: we all have unresolved issues (relationship issues, self-esteem issues, parental issues, etc.). We are destined to repeat these issues until we work through them. These issues are trigger points. When we see a bad boy/grrl and get all swoony, it's because these objects of our infatuation trigger our unresolved issues. The good guy/girl doesn't trigger any unresolved issues and is therefore considered nice, but (sigh) boring. This theory works for both sexes. For example, a woman has low self esteem. She sees the bad boy and thinks -- unconsciously of course -- "If I could have him, then I'm not so bad after all, 'cuz he's cool/foxy/smooth." BUT, by choosing this guy, she will almost certainly choose someone who may mistreat her or dump her, therefore antagonizing and perpetuating her issue.

Moral #1: those feelings of infatuation we all get should be red flags and should point us in the direction of unresolved issues and opportunities for growth, rather than as indicators of potential soul-mate material.

Moral #2: Go for the good guy!

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