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Dear Breakup Girl,

IS IT BETTER TO BE TRUTHFUL OR KIND? I'm 50-ish and recently ended a six-month intimate relationship with a woman who, to a casual observer, "has it all." Lovely looking, good managerial job, well-educated, personable, good sense of humor, beautiful abode, etc. Unfortunately, she has quite low self-esteem and confidence in herself and is always looking at the glass as half-empty, in direct contrast to my upbeat, happy-with-life-and-myself demeanor. A bone of contention with us was her working excessively long hours, including at least one and often two weekend days which tired her out and rendered her quite unavailable or unable to run and jump and play. I emphasized that my reason for breaking up was the work schedule, but it was as much her downbeat demeanor that was bringing me down. She wants a "closure" talk session. The book You Don't Have To Suffer says it's best to be open and honest as to what personality traits were unacceptable as it's helpful to the other person but, after investing a lot of effort in trying to build her self-esteem, I don't want to be critical and tear her down, thereby exacerbating her esteem problem. I think keeping quiet about personal traits is the most kind route. What's your call?

--Gene

Dear Gene,

Call me unkind, but the truth is that that book is out of print. So I'm with you. Breakups, to begin with, are not known as self-esteem boosters. When one half leaves, the other half is fairly likely to see the glass half-empty to begin with. Ergo: telling her she's a downer will be ... a downer.

From Workaholica's point of view, well, you know what I say about not asking your dumper "WHY?" (or pushing it). To wit: Do not. Why not? Because the answer is almost guaranteed to be either (a) a hey-why-didn't-you-tell-me- that-bothered-you- before-so-maybe- we-could-have- God-forbid- worked-on-it? curve ball, or (b) something you already know. And really don't need to hear again. From the person dumping you. "Helpful?" Nah. Patronizing! Masochistic! Who said breakups were supposed to be "helpful" in the first place? (Oh: people who thought, "I won't have to suffer if I expiate my guilt by trying to 'help.'")

Still, I think you owe her the requested Closure Talk. And you may feel compelled to elaborate a little. I'd say your best bet is to continue on your work-focused tack; that keeps it in the realm of choices and circumstances, not hopeless hard-wiring. Tell her, "Look, I felt like your job was your ball and chain. Which, even on your rare breaks, seemed to drag you down. I wanted to run and jump and play with you, but I felt like your work made me work overtime to bring you up. Which didn't work. And I just couldn't do it any more." Something like that.

Beyond that, remember, actions speak louder than Closure Talks. If anything, it's your leaving -- not your leveling -- that's gonna be her cheer-up call.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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