< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

Help! I can't figure this one out on my own anymore without blowing my Tums budget. I'm 29 and have been dating the same guy (Frank) now for about nine months. We live in nearby cities so we get together on the weekends and sometimes on Thursdays. He is my good friend. Frank is an incredible guy: smart, cute, funny, handy (oh-so-nice and such a turn-on to have a fixit boyfriend), and loyal with a capital L.

I love him, but I seem to go in waves about the relationship. Sometimes I am happy to be with him, out and about; sometimes I feel like something is just not there. You see, when it comes to the relationship, he doesn't take very much initiative. I know he loves me very much, always wants to see me, and not a Turkey Pot Pie/Sports Sunday Cretin boyfriend, but he doesn't call, e-mail, etc., unless I do it first. He also doesn't initiate conversation about how he feels about things in general. I usually have to asssssssssssk (pull it out of) him before he volunteers, and he doesn't ask me what I think or feel about stuff. I end up saying, "Do you want to know how I feel about this?" He usually does.

We fight very infrequently, usually about some ridiculous trivial fact (Macchu Picchu was a recent coup de conversation), but when we do, he refuses to consider my side of the argument (there could have been a volcano!), which infuriates me more than the trivial fact about which we were arguing. Our senses of humor are 75% compatible -- he's got the weird one, trust me -- and/but when we hit that 25th percentile I feel so unconnected. We rarely have heart to heart conversations about how we FEEL about things. I have mentioned to him that I am tired of being the emotional bridge in the relationship and how I need more emotional effort on his part. He will try a little (send some more e-mail), but he seems like he doesn't know how to give me what I want. I'm beginning to wonder if he can. I have met his family, and, while they are all nice people, they are all very quiet on how they FEEL about things. Nothing seems to rattle them, but nothing gets them leaping around and making up songs like "I bought a new car! I bought a new car!" either. So, I'm concerned.

I'm pretty much the kind of person who needs someone to meet me -- feeling-wise -- halfway; I'm a Gregarious Gurl but not an Elastic Lady. I feel like I am crrrrrazy to find fault with him because he really is an awesome guy (he cooked me a fancy shmancy dinner on Friday night because I had had a long week!), but I wonder, can he give me the emotional closeness that I need? I don't really want to leave him, but I feel this dullness in our relationship with more and more frequency, and it scares me. It doesn't help that I seem to be SURROUNDED these days by fun karaoke-swinger male-friends of the group who want to talk about their feelings while they walk me to my car. Has anybody else had the same kind of experience: a totally awesome guy except he isn't, uh, set to passionate? BG, can this relationship be saved or am I just way out there and too darn picky in my requirements?

--Extra Expectations

Dear Extra Expectations,

Well! Men are from Macchu, Women are from Picchu.

Here's the thing, Extra. Please know that there is a difference between settling -- which I would never ask you to do -- and being so crazy sanely mad about someone that at the end of the day, you don't mind the handful of things they don't give you. Because on paper, you won't get everything; you won't. Example: I can think of at least one set of parents in which the dad is so not "HERE'S HOW I FEEL" Boy. Whereas the mom is, like, the Inca goddess of feelings. Are they different? Very, very. Does this difference bug her? Well, yeah. Are they somehow in sync, terribly close, incredibly happy? Very, very, yeah.

How does she deal? What's the difference between difference and ... irreconcilable? I think it's this: his relative reticence may bug her, but it does not dull or dampen or throw a wet blanket on her when she's leaping around and making up songs like "I bought a new car! I bought a new car!" She does not quiet down or modify or bite her tongue for him. She wants to share, she shares; he does what he can. She's the bubbles, he's the balance.

So look and see, Extra. Do what you can to draw him out where you can -- but don't wear yourself out entirely. Remember, there's also a difference between perfect ... and perfect for you. Is he set to Great Boyfriend ... for someone? It would be a shame to let him go, but should you decide that you must, it would not automatically be crrrrazy. It would just be one of those head-shaking things. (I mean, to this day, no one can put their finger on precisely why the Incas had to leave.) Because here's my side of the argument: love and passion may not always show up in the ways that you expect or in the forms you're accustomed to for yourself. But not matter where or how you find it, there should be a volcano.

Love,
Breakup Girl

< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >