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Dear Breakup Girl,

Last October I met "Mike" at grad school. We hit it off right away, but we were friends, which is definitely what I wanted at the time. I had ended a painful relationship not that long before, and I wasn't looking for another relationship at that time. Before I would even be friends with Mike, I made sure that he wanted to be friends with me: I didn't call him (but he called me); I didn't visit him (but he would visit me); and he would always invite me places. So after I figured out that he really liked me, I thought, "Okay, we can be friends. But that's it, nothing more!" Soon, we were spending all of our time together. We lived in the same dorm, ate every meal together (either at the caf or out), and every night we'd just hang out talking.

Well, of course, after a while, I started to Get Ideas (as my mom says). We had a comfort level with each other that was unparalleled for me, and he told me that he felt closer to me than anyone. And neither one of us was making any effort to find someone else to spend all of our time with. (And I guess I should tell you that I'm always hesitant to push for the whole more-than-friends thing because I don't consider myself to be a prettygirl. Well, I've been told that I'm beautiful, but I'm overweight and that certainly seems to scare the boys away.)

So in February (right before that evil holiday that happens on 2/14), we're out with a big group of friends, and my friend "Reba" corners him in the bar and says, "So what do you think? I think you two should get together." He tells her that he's thought about it, too, but he's not sure because what if it ruined our friendship, and he knows that I've been hurt in the past, and he wouldn't want to hurt me. Okay, so of course, being a girl, Reba drags me into the bathroom and recounts the whole conversation. I was shocked. I thought for sure that if anyone asked him about me that he'd recoil in disgust and then probably never speak to me again.

And still, even after that night, we didn't talk about the possibility of a Relationship until about two weeks later when, prompted by much gin and tonic, I tell him, "I love you and not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends," to quote Ben Affleck in "Chasing Amy." He told me that he loved me, too, and we talked about how we both in a way wanted to just go for it, but in a way we also didn't want to ruin our friendship. So I said, "How about we not rush into anything we're not ready for," which I thought was quite a grown-up thing to say, and he agreed. We said we would keep talking, and we did; there was truly no weirdness. So, two weeks after that, one of my "friends" -- I'll call her Heather since that's her name -- tells me that she's interested in Mike and wanted to know what I thought. Well, they hardly knew each other and, based on my knowledge of both of them, I knew that they just weren't right for each other but I didn't tell her that part, what I said was that I couldn't tell her what to do, but he and I were talking about the possibility of a relationship. Now, I have always thought that there is a Code that we live by which states "Thou shalt not go for a man whom thy friend loveth" -- I and most of my other friends have certainly always lived by it, but apparently Heather didn't get the memo. Long story short, she threw herself at him in a bar one night and told him that he had decide right then and there if he wanted to go out with her and he said he did. So of course, I'm heartbroken -- here's someone who I feel closer to than anyone and now he's going to date one of my supposed f! ! riends who's a major headhunter anyway just looking to get married. I had thought I was doing the Right Thing -- getting to know him, building a foundation of friendship, all those things.

Anyway, they dated for about six weeks, during which I went through the worst heartbreak I have ever experienced and when he figured out that she was all wrong for him, who does he come talk to? Me, the friend-girl!

So now, at this point in time, months have passed since he broke up with Heather and we're back to being inseparable best friends and all those things. But there's no relationship talk now, not between us at least, although every last one of our friends is convinced that we're going to get together. And Breakup Girl, this is where I need your help. I really don't know what to do. I know that it is there between Mike and me -- we have a connection with each other that neither of us has ever had with anyone else. As crazy as it may sound, I would probably marry him tomorrow if he asked me.

What should I do? Should I tell him "it's there between us, and I want to take this to the next level" or do I continue living in the Friend Zone? It's obvious that he feels more than friendship for me but I'm really not sure if he's aware of his feelings. And my hesitance in telling him that I want to be more-than-friends comes from my own status as a non-prettygirl and also because I really don't know if I could stand to lose him as a friend. But in saying that, I'm not sure if I can stand living with this ambiguity. AUGH! Should I continue to wait for him to come around? Should I tell him how I feel? Am I wasting my time with him? Please, give me any advice at all, because it would help me very very much. Thank you for your time and patience and for not laughing at me.

--Lesley

Oh Lesley,

Why oh why would I laugh at you? Honestly, the only part I chuckled at was where you implied that ducking into the bathroom for the big tell is a uniquely girl thing. Doesn't anyone remember where The Fonz held office hours?

Let me also gently remind you of a few other things:

I completely understand how your declared non-prettygirl status makes you feel shy and non-confident. But you know, not all prettygirls (Heather?) have boyfriends. Not all non-prettygirls don't. Heck, you had at least one. I know it ended painfully, but so did Heather's. And I am telling you that at the end of the day (party) it is confidence, not cosmetics, that draws men in. Which, if you think about it, may be partly why Mike said "OKAY!" to Heather's "NOW!" Which is also why your slow-pour of cement into that Friendship Foundation isn't always/necessarily The Right Thing. You never know.

So what now? Well, I'm going to take you at your word and say backatcha that you can't stand living with this ambiguity. I think that that is more likely to sap your spirit than one more delicate declaration is likely to sap your friendship (it survived okay before, didn't it)? So do you dare quoting "Chasing" again, once? And if he doesn't come through (eeeeeek!), do you promise that -- after duly nursing your wounds -- you will do your Lesley bestest to grab Reba and take your boy-hunting to a different bar? If he does (who-hoo!) do you promise to read this column?

And no matter what happens, Lesley, if I may say, you have been elegant, articulate, and respectful in all of these goings-on. Which, at the end of the day (party) is better than pushy and poachy. Pretty is as pretty does, as my grandmother said. And you, I promise, are doing beautifully.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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