Speaking My Language
Bizarro World. The only place where it's possible to "break
up with someone without hurting their feelings."
Boy Soy. The opposite of a boy toy. The one you actually talk to.
Brady Dating. Not: having two dates on one night, one to a costume party
and one to a regular party, so you have to have one wait in the den and one
in the living room and then you change into and out of your vampire outfit as
you pass through the kitchen. Rather: going on dates. One by one, maybe more
than one date-ee at first. Going slow before "steady." Enjoying the
impatience. Helps you know how you feel before you move in.
Coffee Friends. When you stay friend
ly after a relationship. Kosher-style.
Dutchy-feely. Contact limited to occasional "Great, you?" coffee summits
that prove how mature and civil (and incredibly happy) you are.
Cyberdating. Fine. A great place to start. But make sure you actually
meet at some point, okay? Because if you think it's lame to wait by the
phone, try waiting by the computer.
Diamond in the Roughneck. What women hope to find when they date "jerks."
"Everest" Relationship. Someone you date because they're
there. Might have good enough for Hilary (Edmund), but it's not good enough
The Flirtation Continuum. The realm of the general flirty fizzy buzz
as an end unto itself, and thus, no one flirt- or date-ee is the be-all -- well,
end-all -- of your love life as you know it.
Florence Nightingale in Shining Armor. A woman whose mission is to date
a man back to health. (His issues resolved, he will then start dating someone
Friend-Bound. When a recently-single seeks Everything But in a [very
frustrated] new mate. Also known as The Zipless Rebound.
Good Sport. Breakup Girl at her ex-boyfriends' weddings.
Grecian Formula. 1 trip to Crete + 1 great little dress = 1 man out of hair.
I Can't Believe It's Not Boyfriend. Going through the motions
of being "friends" while you still have the emotions of being boy/girlfriend.
Tastes bad, less fulfilling.
Loftbuilder. A guy who who does favors, chores, and odd jobs for the
object of his affection rather than, say, asking her out. Synonym: "Friend."
Office Romance. Tricky, but at least you know s/he has a job.
Poaching. Hitting on someone whom you know is taken. Illegal.
The Porch Test. How to tell if this one's the keeper. Can you picture
yourselves together at a ripe old age, settin' together on rocking chairs
on the veranda? (Results invalid if that's all you do right now; you should
probably get out more.)
Pre-relationship breakup. You've planned the wedding; s/he doesn't
Rebound. Chicken soup for the loins.
Relapse. Post-breakup hookup with ex. There is, after all, no aphrodisiac
like a breakup. As in: "You look great without ... commitment."
ReZenge. The best kind: doing nothing in retaliation. Sends the
supercilious message that Mr./Ms. Thang has no time even to acknowledge such
a petty act of lameness/evil.
Sex. The only activity in the world that makes reasonable, secure people
have thoughts like "Does darkness make me look fat?"
Snood. Also, nosegay, alphabet shower, etc. Words that you will actually
understand after being a member of 473 wedding parties.
Space. In a relationship, healthy distance or breathing room. As in:
"I need space. So we'll sleep together; we just won't spoon."
The Rules of Dating. Much ink has been spilled over this topic, but as far
as Breakup Girl is concerned, there are really only four:
1. Be nice.
2. Take "no" for an answer.
3. Whoever invited pays.
4. No dates at Hooters.
TUPPIES. Couples who stay Together Until Prom.
"WHY [don't you love me anymore]?" Don't ask.